i am working on teaching nate to feed himself. it's going well don't ya think? hahaso. it's been 2 days since my heart was torn apart. why? the emotional connection that you have with your child, is so strong. so painful. so wonderful-good. something i did not expect.
let me explain.
having worked with kids for a while now you learn to separate your emotional side from your 'teacher' side. esp when we were out west. you had to. there was no way i could handle the pain and hurts of the kids with out doing so. one thing i have always done was to remind myself this- "that boy or girl is some one's child" even when the child is driving. me. up. the. wall. i still remind myself that that is some one's baby.
yesterday morning i joined a mom's group (that alone is whole other story) and i left nate in the toddler nursery at a church that we don't go to. actually, i have never been to before. when i went in to get him 2 hrs later. i was informed that he did not settle in the toddler nursery (prob bec their were only 2 large, strange MEN working and no ladies) nate was then taken to the baby nursery to fend for himself.
when i finally tracked him down (that again, is a whole other story) i had to wait in line to get him. i was the 3rd mom in line. as i stood in line, i heard him cry.
i waited about 30 seconds and pushed the other 2 mom's out of the way. when i got to the front, i saw my boy.
oh, it was sad. so heart breaking. i actually felt my eyes water up. i saw my little man. alone. pacing back and forth, looking lost, scared and afraid. there was huge tears on his cheeks and he was sobbing. i did what any other mom would do.
i firmly reached over the door and let my self in the nursery( mom's are not allowed in) i pushed the worker out of the way, as she told me "mom's are not allowed in the room" i very politely ignored her. i crouched down and yelled "nathaniel" as soon as he heard my voice, he turned and ran into my arms. he sobbed. he climbed on me. my heart was so broken.
i can not get the picture out of my mind. why was it bothering me so much? why? i asked god to show me what bothered me so much. he showed me this.
that i can not protect me son from life. he will be hurt, he will be picked at, on, he will be shoved. kids are cruel. kids are mean. my boy will be hurt. i can't stop it from happening. as much as i want to, i can't protect him from hurt, pain, sorrow. i will see it happen...as much as i want to stop it and protect my boy. i am just beginning to understand the deep emotional connection that you have with your children.
so now the tough job is to trust god. trust him for wisdom, protection, safely. trust god with nathainel's life. that is true trust. i am now opening a new level of trust. oh, it's the hardest one yet.
on a deeper level. how in the world did mary hold it together as she watched with her own eyes as her son was beat, humiliated, laughed at and then killed. right in front of her. the pain that woman carried. i can't even imagine it.
so, tonight as i go to bed. i will pray over my son once more and ask god to help me trust him more.
the pain of motherhood. oh, how it hurts.
*then i look up and i see the pic's of my little stinker and i forget the pain and smile*
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