I think the phrase terrible two’s is a bad name. I don’t think there is anything wrong or abnormal for nate to all of a sudden throw a fit because he wants something….all though I really, really, really wish he would not chose those glorious public places like grocery stores and malls to do so. Gotta love judgment from strangers.
It’s my job to teach him right from wrong, what acceptable behavior is and what is not. A wise person once told me that you want to break their will, not their person.
During the past few days, I have come to terms that it’s not just nate that is being taught, I am also going through the wringer. It’s tough when you are not sure how to deal with a situation, especially when you are in public. I want to do the right thing but I am not sure what exactly that is! Throw in some insecurity, strong feeling of being overwhelmed, confused, fear, emotions and hormones…well you just have 1 big old mess.
This mother thing is not for the weak. I adore my little miracle boy but some days I just look at him and wonder what the heck happened? The whining, the frustration, strong willed, hitting, kicking, throwing toys, the list goes on and on. Taking advise from a mom who is doing a fabo job at raising her kidlits ( big peace of advise-go to those who have the results that you want and have them speak wisdom into you! ) she told me to kill the seed while they are young, the younger the better. To ignore is the easy way out and you will face it later on…on a bigger scale.
Who would have thought that nate challenging me would bring me to my knees, not in prayer but in tears of discouragement and fear. Fear that I am not qualified to do this job. That some how god mixed up babies in heaven and gave me the wrong one…even as I type that I know I have the child god wanted me to have. I just never dreamed that god would use him to teach me, to show me where I am weak and most vulnerable. I really hate that. Blah. Who wants to feel weak? not me!
So instead of me focusing on nate, I am now learning that I must focus on god. No matter what, no matter when, no matter why. Every thing that happens can be a teachable moment….which leads to this morning….
I was cleaning up the dishes from making cinnamon buns (yum!), nate was grouchy and bored. After coming in and out of the house a dozen times (dragging the mud and water from his boots) I gave him the ultimatum. IN or OUT! He wanted in, fine. I clean him up, give him some toys…which he threw at me…then I had the brilliant idea of letting him play in the left over water from the baking dishes (kitchen sink). As I am humming away, tidying the house, waiting for the buns to finish baking, think how nice and oh so ever picture perfect it would be…the buns will be done, I will make fresh coffee, call chris in and have a family snack of fresh baked goods…..i come back into the kitchen to a wall of water….somehow nate had grabbed the huge dish towel, soaked it with water and was flinging it around….bathing my entire kitchen and dining room in water. I yelled NO! then grabbed him from the chair, as I put nate on the wet floor, he somehow slipped and fell onto the cup he was holding. Bang.
I look to see a wonderful red puddle of blood; I slowly turned him over and watched the blood fall from his mouth. I went into auto, cleaned him up, and checked him out. Called chris in. As I cuddled and rocked to calm nate down. The tears began to pour from my eyes, down my face and into his hair. Then the thoughts came:
“you are not qualified to be a mom”
“you have got to be the worse mother in the world”
“your anger caused nate to slip and fall”
“everything you do sucks”
“what in the world will people think of you?”
“how will you explain this?”
“you are a huge failure”
“you are so stupid”
“you fail as a mom”
And so forth. I am well aware of what the word says, I also know that those thoughts were not of god, yes, I get that every mother feels like this at sometime. Heart knowledge and head knowledge are 2 separate things.
I have the choice to:
Grow from this or
Stay where I am at and believe those thoughts
I choose to grow. As painful as this day (ok, week) has been, I know it will only get better. I know 1 thing, no fear, anger, insecurity, discouragement or anything i do can separate me from my father’s love.
His love will keep my chin up as I go and wake my precious (and strong willed) boy up to take him to the dentist to have his tooth checked….and know that I am not the first or the last mother to feel this way.
I am a daughter of the king, hear me roar.
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