heart of a mommy

having nathaniel changed my life. nothing is simple and ordinary anymore. i wish i could use words to express what i feel

a few days ago we were over at a friend’s house for supper. the night grew late, it was past nate’s bed time but he was doing good so we stayed longer. nate came and found me and quietly said “mommy, yaya has to poop” so I took him to the bathroom.

once we got in the bathroom, i started to take his pants down. our faces were close. nate looked down at the floor and said “oh no. yaya too late” he had an accident on the way to the toilet. i told him that it was ok! accidents happen. i was not mad. i gave him kisses and hugs

i sat him on the toilet and i ran out to get his bag.

when i came back. i saw my little boy’s face. i saw embarrassment, sadness, shyness, discouraged and clearly he was upset

then i heard a soft voice say “mommy, i sorry. yaya sorry”

i told him again that it was ok. i was not mad. i kissed him and hugged him

as i cleaned up the mess. i decided to put him in his pj’s. my heart broke for him. here i was in the bathroom, trying to hide his accident from everyone. i wanted to spare his feelings and not embarrass him further. my heart was sad. my son was sad. i wanted to make it all better

then i heard those words again

“mommy, i sorry” “i sorry mommy” over and over

again and again i hugged and kissed him. i told him that i was not upset. that i was so proud of him. i loved him so much. he is such a great boy!

over the last few days, nate has been quite sick. lots of messes have been made. many load of laundry. many night changes. over and over I heard

“mommy, i sorry” “i sorry mommy”

each time. my heart breaks. how could he think i would be upset? doesn’t he know that i love him? no matter what happens, no matter how many times i have to clean him up, i love him! i am not mad! i am so, so proud!

hummm. i wonder if that is how jesus feels about me? how many times have i come to him, over and over. with the same problem or a new one. how many times have i told him that i was sorry, so sorry?

does jesus want to say to me “i am not mad! i love you!” is that how he feels about me? does his heart hurt when i tell him over and over how sorry I am. does he want to wrap his arms around me, cover my face with kisses and say “i am not mad! i am so, so proud of you!”

i hope so. that’s how i would want him to be

Posted by mel at 8:13 AM