the results are in. sorta. kinda.
i finally made the dreaded appointy to get the results of baby ben. i am SO glad i was not emotional yesterday. why? Because my reg dr was not available, so i got the dr on call. as we were walking to the room the convo went like this
dr"is this your post opt appointy?"
me "yes, 8 weeks after"
dr "where's the baby?"
me "i think you need to read my chart"
she took me to the room, gave me the sheet to cover myself and left the room
she came back, sat down beside me and said "first i want to say how sorry i am for asking you where the baby was. i feel awful. i went out and read your chart and i could not believe i said that"
she felt SO bad
anyways. then we went over the deets of the reports that she had. we are still waiting on the final report. the iwk sent the findings off for more testing. which is good. what we do know is this
ben's body stopped growing at 15 weeks and was in perfect formation. every body part and organ was in tack BUT his heart and lungs were developed to a not quite 19 week baby. I KNEW IT
ben was alive at 18 wks. they tried to tell me he wasn't. but i KNEW he was alive, i felt him, i saw him move. i KNEW it! my gut tells me that he died on the weekend, then i started to bleed on wed
so they decided to send for more tests. which now leads the cause of death to be 2 things
chromosome or genetic. the dr feels that it would be more likely to be chromosomal because i did carry nate and birth a perfect (yes he is!) baby.
we are crossing all fingers and toes that it is chromosomal. the other good news is that my cervix is closed, tilted (thanks mom) and gone back to it's proper place, my uterus (thanks crunches) has shrunk to it's normal size and my physical body looks good (thanks treadmill) we were given the "ok by not ok-ing out loud" to try again. soon. like 2 months ago. har sorry dad for reading that and this...i am still waiting for my period to come back but hey, my track record for that is not great...we could be waiting for a very long time :)
a wise friend once asked me what i thought happened to ben, i said i didn't know. then she looked at me and said "your mother's heart knows why, take the time to find the answer" at first i was taken back. then i took the time and thought about it.
my gut tells me it was a chromosomal issue. there i said it. thanks misty :)
we will get the final results around aprilish. iam also having more blood work done on monday
nateness
we skipped nate nap yesterday for the dr's appointy. i put him to bed at 7, at 7:10 he was asleep. i woke up this morning at 7:30, then at 8 i peeked at him, he was asleep, so i got my clothes out, cleaned up, took a shower, made a cup f coffee went back to get him at 8:45 and he was STILL sleeping, so i turned off his music, turned on the light, blew my hair dry, made another cup of coffee (our coffee machine is LOUD) went in at 9 and he was STILL sleeping. i finally woke him up bec we were expected to be somewhere at 9:30! i wonder how long he would have slept with out me waking him???
Posted by
mel
at
2:24 PM
love the bug eyed look. nate got some mail yesterday all the way from swissland
he opened it almost by himself...chris had to show him the "proper" way to open mail. yes people there is a proper and right way to do everything...he's SO swiss
nate was quite taken with his new paper scissors. thank you SO much aunty sarah! there scissors ROCK, so much better than the ones we have here. they are made from a stronger plastic, come in 3 different cutting styles and only cut paper! i tested them on my hair, fabric, napkins and they did not even leave a mark! they only cut paper!
nate's into the megga blocks. i have discovered that you can never have too many. we ran out while building this thing. i built the base, showed nate how to join them and he did the rest. he loves it and ok, i do too. 
taking his rest and checking out his hard work
nate "mommy, please build tower for yaya" how can i say no to those eyes. we build a tower
this book was lent to me on sunday and i finished it yesterday. i am getting my own copy so i can mark it all up. it is a must read for anyone who has lost a child. i will warn you, you will cry boat loads of tears. 
before church this am, nate went "missing" i finally found him, sitting in the front living room, in the chair that's in the corner. alone. quiet. and giggling. he was content to just sit there with his new shoes...
nate got a pair of new shoes, which he was quite delighted with. for some reason he kept pointing to his shoes and saying "yaya's new shoes" then show me and chris then everyone at church. he went into the kitchen, pulled out the bottom drawer, sat on it and kept showing me his new shoes...ha...maybe i can teach him the joy of shopping and new shoes!!! haha
love the expression. typical.
i scored at old navy yesterday! they had all the clearance on another 50% off and i had a 15% off coupon. i was thrilled to get a new wardrobe, in my new size (1 size larger) i have decided a few weeks ago to stop weighing myself (such freedom) and simply embrace my new size...which gave me a great excuse to shop. ha
i got 5 pairs of pants and a pair of cords
chris was working on the stairs to the basement this morning, so i took nate for a walk. he walked for most of it (1.5 km) and had a blast finding sticks and rocks to throw
peek a boo
chris finished the trims, cut out the base for the steps and painted them. smart looking eh
now all he has to do is put the step on, once the paint dries. he bought solid oak a month ago, planed, stuck them together, stained them. so all that is left is to attach them. i make it sound so easy. ha. now all is left is to finish his office and i can organize the storage room and set up the basement. 
