1 yr

one year ago today

one year ago at this time

one year ago at this moment

this whole nightmare started

we lost our baby

after the news. i was sent for tests and blood work. i don't remember much of it, only that i cried. a lot. and i had to sit in the mat ward, a room full of bellies. once i was finally able to leave...chris and i went home

i remember walking in the door. seeing nate in the corner, crying because i was not home yet, i went to him, held him. turned my back to my dad who was waiting at the door way

chris said he shook his head and whispered to dad "we lost the baby"

after i settled nate. i went to my room. i wanted to be alone

i cried

instinct lead my hand to my belly, then i realized that he (i knew it was a boy before i delivered him) was dead

a dead baby in my belly

suddenly i felt cold. i remember turing the fire place heater on, crawling back into bed to warm up

i lay ed there. so many feelings, emotions, thoughts, plan/life changes really had to take place

i thought over what was going to happen the next day. i would go to the hospital first thing, be induced, that scared me. i was also induced with nate and that did not go so well, so i was scared. then i had to process that i was going to go into labour and deliver him...what would he look like? how big would he be? would he look like a baby? or worse? the dr's did say that they thought he had died at 15 weeks and if that was true he would be decomposed and would look like a wad of tissue or worse...

but i knew he had just died, i felt him move a few days earlier

so did i want to see him? hold him?

how was my labour going to go? how long would this take?

i was so scared

i got up a few hours later, emailed 3 people and had chris contact others. as an after thought, i googled "induction at 20 wks" and found some helpful information, stories of people who had gone there before. i took their advise

i went back to bed

i called for chris. we talked. he left. i prayed

i was shown what to call him. i knew he was a boy. i named him benjamin

i went to bed...not much sleep was had

i go up early the next morning. hit the shower. i remember as the hot water hit my head, i felt the tears hit me. i sank down to the floor, on my knees, head against the tub ledge, i sobbed. i remember the sound i made. i literally felt that i was dying. the pain was so bad

we got to the hospital. we had to come back home due to an emerg section there was no room for us

we went back to the hospital

i met the dr's

i was induced

the wait began

time moved by so slowly

i cried

i prayed

i yelled

i laughed

i cried more

i remember laying on my side, staring at the poster on the wall with the size chart to show how far dilated until you can birth

i remember staring at the 8 circle. the dr wanted me to dilate to 8

i remember getting checked i was only 3

more time ticked by

i remember listening to the babies that were being born. the other ladies in labour

i remember my nurses, they were so incredibly kind and thoughtful. the gave me space when i needed it, a hug when chris was not there, a smile when i was able to smile. they shared their advise when asked, they gave silence when i could not talk. they checked my blood pressure, my heart rate, my temps and my dilation with quiet support

the day came and left, a new day started

finally ben was born

i won't go into those details, not because i don't remember them but because they will open up a door that doesn't need to be opened today

i do remember the nurses waiting for my sister to come into the room. my sister was with me and she herself was pregnant. she was resting in another room. once she was there, i relied on chris and her to see the baby. before i did. i trusted them to decided if i should see him or not

i remember hearing chris choke back a sob, my sister said "oh mel"

i asked..."should i see him?"

they both said "yes"

i asked "does he look human?"

they both said "yes. he's tiny but you can see him"

they cleaned him up. wrapped him in the blanket i brought with me. chris brought him to me. i could feel the dr and nurses cleaning me up. i sat back. opened my arms and looked down

i reached my finger down to touch his tiny head, then his arms, which were crossed and folded. i touched his legs and checked to make sure he was in deed a boy. i smiled when i saw that he was. i knew that he was a boy all along. i brought him to my face, cried, then i simply held him

they were finished cleaning me up. a blanket was brought to cover me. i was cold. i held him

then i simply sang to him a song i made up on the spot. it was his name song. nate has one and ben would have 1 too.

i passed him to chris. chris spent some time with him

chris gave him back to me

i went to kiss him good bye but stopped

i did not want to kiss him good bye

my first kiss will be hello

i told him how every loved he was and how i loved having him for those wonderful weeks. i told him that he was such an unexpected, wonderful surprise and how it gave me so much hope. i told him how i love being his mommy

i passed him to chris

cried

then asked if i could go home now

the nurses came and finished up my charts, tests and got me my clothing. i got dressed. my fav nurse from nate's delivery came and gave me a hug. not a 1 arm hug but an embrace. she told me that she can't wait to see me again. i smiled

chris took care of the deets, the funeral home and those arrangements

it was time to go home

chris wrapped his arm around me, took my bag and we walked out

alone

the cold air hit my face as the doors opened. i looked down at the snow covered ground

as the snow crunched under my shoes in the early morning hour

i heard my thoughts say

this is not how it's suppose to be

there is no car seat

there is no baby

it's just chris and me

Posted by mel at 1:07 PM