i know it's coming...to say i don't think about it would be a lie. i know that this sunday, shortly after midnight, 1 yr ago i gave birth to my second born. i held his tiny body. i peeked at his face, his toes, his little body fit into my hand. i sobbed. i sang. i held him and i let him go

i did not kiss him

why?

my first kiss will not be a kiss of good bye
it will be a kiss of hello!

i can not wait until that day

i find my self reflecting. sadly. i know that i will play the events leading up to the horrible news in my mind

i wasn't sure how i was going to go about this week. how will i react to sunday? to wed? thurs? fri? sat? this weekend, as it was last year also is a huge weekend. it's the annual christmas at the coliseum...a craft show that i force (i bribe with food) chris to go to, then the santa parade, getting together with friends and such....really, it's the big "kick" off to christmas

same as last year

but last year it was awful. it sucked. all of it

so how in the world am i going to live this week?

i have decided that i am going to embrace it. i am going to live it. i am going to church sunday morning, to teach the kiddo's. then i am going to spend the night with my preteen girls. i will smile. i will cry. i will allow myself to grieve...

i have decided to not do anything on sunday...no cake, no balloon releasing etc...

for this year. i will just embrace the pain. cry. grieve. laugh and live

i am positive that i will find many, many, many reminders...things that were packed away, items that i will find as i clean...i will cry...then choose to trust in god...even when it really hurts

as for christmas decorating, i am not sure when i will start...how much i will do...i will just let it flow

i do have a 3 yr old who is very excited that we are decorating a tree with lights! haha...i won't spoil it for him...

it's been a yr
i am not over it
i never will be

but

i do know this...when i mourn, i get comfort...god really hasn't forgotten me. his ways are bigger, brighter and more wonderful than what i know...i don't know what this year will bring...good. bad. what ever. it's going to get better

i read this last night. i adore it. i am dedicating this to my son, my wonderful, amazing, incredibly special son benjamin


And to think you were midwife at my birth
setting me at my mother's breasts!
When I left the womb you cradled me;
since the moment of birth you've been my God.

*i want to clarify...god did not take my son away, god is a good god. he does not punish. i don't know why it happened and i refuse to question but i do know that god did NOT take my son. he does NOT give and take away. job said that. job. job. job! not god! :)

Posted by mel at 1:56 PM