life

this is me right about now

it's hard to put into words how i am feeling.  i know you don't go by how you feel.  good thing cause i would have changed my mind

what all the fuss you ask? 

next week sometime, i think, all the cute little girls will wear their cute little dresses, all the boys will have their boyish clothing on and all of them will be wearing a back pack

school starts

and along with it, a massive tornado of feelings, emotions and fears.  making me a mess. not like the hormones aren't bad enough! 

this is the hard part

i know in my heart that nate will be home schooled. public school is not an option for us. for many reasons, most are prob not the reasons why you may guess

it's the unknown of how it will work?

and more pressing, and shocking...

i feel left out

that everyone else is sending their kids off to school

but me

i am alone

scared

overwhelmed

fearful

questioning

and lost

but putting nate on the bus with everyone else will not solve this problem or make me feel better

change is never easy

nor facing the unknown

will i regret this?

will nate miss out on everything that everyone else is doing?

how will my days work? 

how in the world will i not want to hurt him?

how will i teach him?

what will i teach him?

how can i do it all? the house work? the cooking? cleaning? laundry?church stuff? friends? be social? find me time? chris time? ellie time?

how will i battle the boredom, the mundane day in and day out? 

why am i giving up my freedom?

my heart shouts the answer and i will follow it

but my mind is a race track bringing nothing but negative talk

how will this journey unfold?

who knows?

but

i thing i do know, is the same god who held my hand during life's worst days is still holding my hand right now

you are my hiding place. you protect me.  you surround me with joyous songs.

Posted by mel at 11:39 AM