happy news

to everything there is a season

a time to mourn

a time to dance

a time to laugh

a time to create

life goes on, as much as i want it to stop for a bit. it won't

this blog entry has taken me over 4 weeks to write. a long time ago i told god that i would never serve him with a bad heart. i won't do something on the outside with a smile but on the inside i am really ugly (angry, bitter, jealous etc) and because of that i did not post this happy news

what happy news?

i am going to be an aunty again!!! my sister is pregnant with her second child, due this june.

for weeks i have struggled with anger, resentment, hurt, frustration and many shades of that ugly green. don't misunderstand, i am super happy for her and shawn. i hurt because she has what i long for

as little girls, we would dream up our future. we would live in houses beside each other, marry in a double wedding, we would be pregnant together, i would have lots of kiddo's she would have her 2 boys, cry would go to work and i would look after her kids for her, we would grow old in our houses beside each other and after our husbands die (how morbid) we would be old ladies, rocking in our rockers on our front steps. always best friends

over the years we have had our share of challenges, that's for sure. this is one huge, megga, "i have no idea how i will truly be happy for her" challenge for me

without going into details, chris and i were desperately (ok not so much him, more like moi) trying to get pregnant with nate. it was one of the hardest times in my life. i always thought (and was told) that getting pregnant was SO easy. no worries, our family is a clan of breeders...when this did not happen, i was shaken to the core. it was the darkest time in my life.

imagine my utter delight to discover that we were FINALLY pregnant with nate. i was beyond ecstatic with excitement and joy. FINALLY! then i discovered that my sister was also pregnant. it was a blow. i was stunned. the hardest part to "get over" was the "it took 1 time" and bang, she's pregnant, exactly 1 week BEFORE me.

i remember telling chris that god knew cry was pregnant and showing his mercy, i conceived 7 days later. i felt that god knew i would not be able to deal with not having a baby, while my sister did. god knew my limit. he knew it would put me over the edge. and with his mercy, i also become pregnant.

those words came back to haunt me a few weeks ago. here i am. my sister is pregnant, again with 1 try but this time i am not. i lost my baby.

how can i get through this? this green mountain is just to big for me to climb. i can't go around it. i have to go over it. i can't do it alone.

but i am not alone. god's with me. each day the pain is getting less. i still mourn for my baby. i will never forget him. ever

today, i was able to feel happiness through my tears

i also know that this mountain is still there, i am not over it yet. it's taking a lot of work to get over my jealousy and envy. but with god on my side and chris kicking my butt, i know i will

today i am delighted to announce that my sister is having a baby!

Posted by mel at 12:00 PM