pizza for breaky

nate-ness

so this morning, nate went down stairs and spotted the tile boxes and proudly declared to chris

"daddy, pappa ordered pizza! yum...yummm...yummmm! pizza!" while patting his belly

cute boy

ben has finished his tests and autopsy at the iwk in halifax and is back in moncton, at the funeral home. he was to be cremated this afternoon.

it's funny the odd thoughts that i have now. like heaven. ben's there, but will he grow? or will he stay an infant? without going into a long winded blog on what i believe in regarding rapture, heaven and the after life. i was talking to chris about this a few nights ago. chris thinks that when we join ben he will be a grown boy, perfect in every form. i on the other hand, as his mom, i think that he will stay an infant. actually i asked god to have mr. power watch over him until i can get there. so when i arrive, i will have my baby and i will watch him grow. silly huh. i can't wait to get there and find out. it gives me much comfort knowing that ben is with jesus...and gets to hang with mr.power

today i had a rough start. many tears. much anger, even more frustration and general miserableness (is that even a word??) i took nate to the park, which turned into a disaster. i was feeling quite low. low and behold, the door rings just before lunch and there was a lovely friend who showed up with yummy chili, the most amazing cookies!! and a hug. total spirit lift.

i went for a walk, for the first time. i made myself walk my "pregnancy" route (1/2 hr, vs the normal hr) it took me 40 mins. i cried. i smiled. i talked to god. i felt better.

i then started tearing my front living room apart. cleaning, organizing, opening photo albums, reminding me of how much i have. cleaning makes me feel better. it's a mixture of the physical work, keeping my mind busy and my thoughts on the task (oh, my chris would be proud) the room is almost ready for the tree. when i am ready to put it up

that's the key. i have no schedule. i will heal when i am ready. as long as i am moving forward. there is comfort in knowing that god has a plan for me and this is just a tiny bump in the road

i read a paragraph in one of the books the hospital gave me. i stick mostly to the good book but this one paragraph really spoke to my heart. it said something like this (i changed it to make it lineup with what i believe)

a miscarriage is a sad, disappointing experience. it is attitude not the circumstance that determines what my life will be. i can use my miscarriage/still birth to be come more sensitive to others who are experiencing grief in any form...i pray that god will use me, as much as i would rather just skip this whole thing and pretend it never happened...that good will come from it

Posted by mel at 7:27 PM