a new day

good thing nate was around today. all his animals were fed quite well

it's been 3 days. they say the 3rd day is the worst, due to the hormones and such. i am glad yesterday is over. it was a bad day

the physical part is over, the labour and birth. not knowing what i was going to be going through and having nothing to prepare me for it.

my world has been thrown off balance and there is nothing i can do to change it. nothing. feeling powerless, out of control. thoughts of "i still can't believe this is really happening to me" i can't.

i felt connected to this wee one. the pregnancy was so different from nate's and i loved that. ben was real to me, and to me alone. i loved hogging him to myself, talking to him, taking walks with him and dreaming up his future, praying for him/over him...wondering what this one was going to do for god. i enjoyed this pregnancy so much

i remembered feeling so shocked that we conceived. i remember looking at the tiny...so tiny that you had to hold it to the light and see it....line and thinking "my life is going to change big time" and a tiny smirk came to my lips. it was my secret. then i went to get chris

i remember making plans and changes to my future. all of a sudden "my" plans were gone. now i was going on a different, better path. another child was going to fill my home with more laughter. i ache for a home filled with children.

it's quite strange this whole grieving thing, it's new to me. this is really my first "real" encounter with death. there are so many levels, so many stages, so many strange things that they call "normal", like forgetting what i was saying, what i was doing, forgetting how to spell! my attention span is short, but now it's even shorter...but i guess it's all normal


i have never been a list person, but i have taken to making them to get me through the day. my mat clothes are gone, packed away. my reg clothes now fill my closet, but i am unable to wear them, my belly has not gone down enough and i have resorted to sweat pants and chris's sweat shirt


i have a box for ben's things. as i find items, i tuck them away. i found his ultrasound reminder that was supposed to take place yesterday


i am now working on rewriting my life, my future. there will be no baby this spring, no need to rush on the nursery, no need to complete tasks to have everything ready. i put my pregnancy books and name book/lists away.


i struggle to come to terms with all this but i do know that i will heal.

Posted by mel at 10:59 AM