it's all gonna be ok

(above is the amazing clothes i got!)

i am not sure if sitting down and blogging right now is a good thing to do

i am feeling so many things that it's hard to just stop and try to separate all the feelings and stuff

i know you do not go by how you feel but by what you know

i know it's going to be ok

let's start

yesterday was a busy day. a lot of things happened that had me feel different feelings. some good most bad

i went to my first zumba class last night. i was so out of my zone of comfort, who wants to look stupid in front of ppl they don't know that well? i wanted to puke but i went anyways. i had a good time

then i went to a friends place to pick up some clothes for nate. as i drove home i felt the following:

-sadness for my son, the one i never got to hear laugh or call "mommy"

-the babies i never got to hold

-apprehension for my sisters coming baby. how will i react to seeing the baby? i won't know until the moment

-confusion over my position with jump (church stuff)

-insecure about what i have done in the past (church stuff) i have never questioned myself in the past but this past week. i feel like a failure

-how do people really see me?

-my future. new direction. new dreams. new season

-what will happen in the next year???

one of the great things about being me is this...i never think about heavy stuff. like. ever. i dream. i giggle. i create. i do not think heavy things. that's for chris to do. not me. i am the butterfly, chris is the bear. let me fly!

i create and dream

chris makes it happen

for some reason that is changing. i feel the pressure, responsibility. it makes me feel icky

so there i am. big old bag of cloths in my hand. dreaming of what ice cream i want (you know ice cream after a work out is a MUST) when the phone rang. we ran to get it

then chris got quiet. really quiet

he hung up. i knew

i told chris how sorry i was

chris's grandmother passed away

i started to think, plan, figure out how we were going to get him there. i dug out my kijiji money, counted what i have saved. chris has to go to switzerland

chris gets on the phone. i grab the bag of clothes to keep busy. i sat there and went through the clothes and started to cry

i told god that:

i am so scared

so afraid

i am hurting

i don't know how i am going to get through this month

i feel heavy, icky and full of responsibility

i feel like a failure

i feel like a fool

i feel insecure

i feel that ppl don't like me

i am anxious about my future

what's going to happen?

what will i do?

and on and on

as the cloths piled up, i was over come with the feeling of provision. a silly bag of used clothing stopped me cold. woke me up and i realized that god will provide

i may feel like a failure at church; but i did my best

i may feel lost and out of control; but god will direct my feet

i may feel like my world is falling a part; but god is in control

i may feel icky, gross and heavy; but i will sing new songs of praise

isn't it wonderful that i don't go by how i feel?

i go by what i know

what do i know?

i know that

jesus loves me this i know

for the bible tells me so

little ones to him, i belong

i may feel weak but

he is strong

yes, jesus loves me

yes, jesus loves me

yes, jesus loves me

he told me so

confession/repentance erases guilt

so i did that

i told god all the icky things that i feel, felt and started to believe (see above)

then i gave it to him

now i am free with no guilt

i can now smile. he's with me. he loves me. i am not a failure. people do like me. i did my very bestest at church. i can and do hear from god. he will hold me

chris will be gone for 2 weeks. i will be ok while he is gone. i will miss him beyond words. everything will come together. my sister will have her daughter and everything is going to be ok. church will come together. everything will work out!

ok, this is too long. too serious. i need ice cream mmmm scotsburn came out with new flavours this summer. one is birthday party. must get some to try mmmmm

Posted by mel at 11:48 AM