my weight

i have battled the weight factor most my life

i was chubby in high school

i was chubby cubs in 20's (drinking+partying+late night eating=chubababa)

i was chunky monkey when i graduated bible school

the night of my bible school grad, i was dressing and doing the dance. the "my dress i way too tight how can i get in this. i have to leave in 30 mins dance"

i could not get the zipper up

i solved this problem by wearing a jacket over the back

the dress was a size 16

from reitmans

and we know how those reitman sizes run.......

the time came. the battle was on

i cut out the crap. tied my sneeks and walked my way into a size 6. that took 3 yrs

over the past 8 yrs i have kept the weight off by walking and eating clean(er)

i walked through my entire pregnancy with nate. right up till they put me on bed rest

after i had him i took a yr off

when i had nate my metabolism went wonky. i lost a lot of weight. like 20 pounds less than my "wedding weight"

wedding weight=healthy for me

2 yrs after i had nate i put on 10 pounds

but something got messed up in my brain

after going away to colorado i did some serious searching in my head and decided to come clean in this blog

last jan. i hung up my sneakers. i took a "break" from working out

my working out schedule was walking/jogging 5 days a week plus 30 mins weights

i stopped completely

i have taken 1 walk since then (with my sis but it was a fun walk)

why?

this is me being honest

working out somehow went from losing weight to staying healthy to challenging myself to controlling me to pressure to standards to keeping up with ppl

i felt the pressure from those around me to remain thin, to get in better shape, to be better, faster

it was weird to be a person others wanted to look like

it was a weird feeling that i did not like

i felt that i could not put on weight

that i had to keep going

i had to lose more weight

i had to be thinner

i had to

pressure

more

better

i realised that i hated what i was. i looked in the mirror and saw budges, i saw lines, wrinkles, fat

i would think. eat better tomorrow, do more squats, run faster and do more crunches then i can get rid of those

fix that

and on and on

i had had enough

i took myself out by taking a break

then i went to colorado and decided to really look at myself

and i have spent the last 3 months doing so

some i have shared with chris

some i have not

today. i stepped on the scale. i saw a number i have not seen in years. like BEFORE i got married.

i stepped off the scale

then i stepped back on

are those numbers real?

really?

that much?

i slipped my bathrobe on. i went to the tv and clicked it on. i went to check what tv shows are on. which ones i can work out to today. i clicked off the tv. went down stairs. made a coffee. made something to eat. i thought

"i have now reached a number that i have never thought i would ever see again. i can stop this by working out. i can stop this. that's right. you will stop this today. i will stop. i will NOT work out today. i will eat. i will go out with my son and play. i will NOT be controlled by that &%$^ scale. i am not a number. i am not in a competition with anyone and most important i will not compare my body to anyone else. this is my body.

then i sat down to email and blog and to be honest and real

i bought a bikini last night for my trip this fall. i put it on (size large :) and i looked in the mirror. i liked what i saw. boobs!!!! curves. a belly that moves. thighs that touch when i walk, arms that jiggle, my butt jiggles and is full of dimples, fat and stretch marks. i think i look great and i love my new large bathing suit

i have now put on 30 pounds. 30 since having nate

yep. i did. lets talk about it. i did it on purpose. i do not plan on losing it. i am not working out to feel better/look better. i will never allow it to control me again. ever. i will no longer engage in conversation's about how to look better/feel better

instead of working out in the mornings i now spend that time bed snuggling with my boy in bed

life is to short for me to spend on a treadmill

maybe one day i will start to walk again. just for me. just for fun

i am not saying that it's wrong to be healthy or to work out! it's GREAT to do!

what wrong was the motivation behind it

this is me. i weigh 30 pounds more

most cloths don't fit and that's ok

i get to shop more :) ha!

so no working out today for me! i am going to spend it with nate and enjoy it. i am thinking a trip to the mall for an ice cream is in order

today i love my body. all of it

*cry. i will have you on speed dial to talk to me on those hormonal days!

Posted by mel at 9:27 AM