This awesome blogger theme comes under a Creative Commons license. They are free of charge to use as a theme for your blog and you can make changes to the templates to suit your needs.


the hippo and pig were hungry so nate fed them crayons. isn't he kind to his animals? ha

i am logging off the blog for bit. i am taking a mini break. i shall return happier, brighter and maybe a bit darker

have a great few weeks! 0 comments

clouds in the sky

when i was a kid we moved to the country, my brother and i would often do out to the fields, find a cosy spot and look up at the clouds. sometime we would laugh, share stories, talk about kid stuff or not talk at all

the one thought i didn't share with my bro, for fear of him laughing at me was this. i often wanted to lay in a cloud and feel jesus wrapping is arms/cloud around me. there i would be safe, supported, loved and feel that everything will be ok

today, i want to lay in a cloud and feel jesus wrapping his arms around me

i don't know why, but the last few days have been rough. emotionally-all over the place but mostly just missing my son. i miss my ben. i ache to hold him. it does give me happiness knowing that he is with jesus today and that i will see him. i just want the pain i feel today to be gone. i am sad. so sad

so jesus, will you hug my ben today. will you kiss him and tell him how much i love him. will you tell him that i miss him so very much. i can't hold him today, but will you jesus hold him for me? 2 comments

park day

spring like conditions draw me (like a 2 yr old to mud) to the park. we went to find and feed the ducks. we spotted many a squirrels and birds en route
we located the famous duck pond but to nate's utter despair, the ducks were gone!

no ducks. all gone. too cold.
so nate helped himself to their bread (it was fresh, not the normal moldy, old stuff i typically save for them ducks)
ohhh we found a duck. all by himself, swimming all alone. poor lonely duck
nate tossed him some bread and voila another duck came. off they swam together
off we went down the path and look! we found the mother load of ducks! nate fed them the remaining scraps of bread. then nate declared "yaya too cold. home please" and off we went to tims to get our warm up, must have coffee and donut. it was a morning well spent!

how i spent my morning

oh how my life has changed


and my most fav

and yet, i would not change a single second of my days. there is something joyful when you hear your 2 yr old singing "oh oh oh...i wanna hooo hooo hooo" translation "ohohoho i wanna be like you ho ho"

ha. and how was your morning? 0 comments


i was laying on the hospital bed, covered with nothing but a thin, cold sheet. the second induction had failed. i was afraid, sad, empty and felt alone. my dream was over. ben was gone

no words could make me feel better

no bible school training helped

no fancy sermon gave me what i needed

even the hugs of my hubs could not take my pain away

everything i had known, lived for and believed in was shaken

the only thing i could say was a tiny, pathetic, heart broken word




i was taken back to that memory this morning when i read the below verse.

his mercies are new. everyday

and with that knowledge, i keep going

Lamentations 3:18-30

I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.

I remember it all—oh, how well I remember— the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope

God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness!I'm sticking with God. He's all I've got left.

God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks.

It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times.

When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions. Wait for hope to appear. Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face. The "worst" is never the worst.

Why? Because the Master won't ever walk out and fail to return. 0 comments

test results

the results are in. sorta. kinda.

i finally made the dreaded appointy to get the results of baby ben. i am SO glad i was not emotional yesterday. why? Because my reg dr was not available, so i got the dr on call. as we were walking to the room the convo went like this

dr"is this your post opt appointy?"

me "yes, 8 weeks after"

dr "where's the baby?"

me "i think you need to read my chart"

she took me to the room, gave me the sheet to cover myself and left the room

she came back, sat down beside me and said "first i want to say how sorry i am for asking you where the baby was. i feel awful. i went out and read your chart and i could not believe i said that"

she felt SO bad

anyways. then we went over the deets of the reports that she had. we are still waiting on the final report. the iwk sent the findings off for more testing. which is good. what we do know is this

ben's body stopped growing at 15 weeks and was in perfect formation. every body part and organ was in tack BUT his heart and lungs were developed to a not quite 19 week baby. I KNEW IT

ben was alive at 18 wks. they tried to tell me he wasn't. but i KNEW he was alive, i felt him, i saw him move. i KNEW it! my gut tells me that he died on the weekend, then i started to bleed on wed

so they decided to send for more tests. which now leads the cause of death to be 2 things

chromosome or genetic. the dr feels that it would be more likely to be chromosomal because i did carry nate and birth a perfect (yes he is!) baby.

we are crossing all fingers and toes that it is chromosomal. the other good news is that my cervix is closed, tilted (thanks mom) and gone back to it's proper place, my uterus (thanks crunches) has shrunk to it's normal size and my physical body looks good (thanks treadmill) we were given the "ok by not ok-ing out loud" to try again. soon. like 2 months ago. har sorry dad for reading that and this...i am still waiting for my period to come back but hey, my track record for that is not great...we could be waiting for a very long time :)

a wise friend once asked me what i thought happened to ben, i said i didn't know. then she looked at me and said "your mother's heart knows why, take the time to find the answer" at first i was taken back. then i took the time and thought about it.

my gut tells me it was a chromosomal issue. there i said it. thanks misty :)

we will get the final results around aprilish. iam also having more blood work done on monday


we skipped nate nap yesterday for the dr's appointy. i put him to bed at 7, at 7:10 he was asleep. i woke up this morning at 7:30, then at 8 i peeked at him, he was asleep, so i got my clothes out, cleaned up, took a shower, made a cup f coffee went back to get him at 8:45 and he was STILL sleeping, so i turned off his music, turned on the light, blew my hair dry, made another cup of coffee (our coffee machine is LOUD) went in at 9 and he was STILL sleeping. i finally woke him up bec we were expected to be somewhere at 9:30! i wonder how long he would have slept with out me waking him??? 0 comments

nate mail

love the bug eyed look. nate got some mail yesterday all the way from swissland
he opened it almost by himself...chris had to show him the "proper" way to open mail. yes people there is a proper and right way to do everything...he's SO swiss

nate was quite taken with his new paper scissors. thank you SO much aunty sarah! there scissors ROCK, so much better than the ones we have here. they are made from a stronger plastic, come in 3 different cutting styles and only cut paper! i tested them on my hair, fabric, napkins and they did not even leave a mark! they only cut paper!

nate's into the megga blocks. i have discovered that you can never have too many. we ran out while building this thing. i built the base, showed nate how to join them and he did the rest. he loves it and ok, i do too.
taking his rest and checking out his hard work
nate "mommy, please build tower for yaya" how can i say no to those eyes. we build a tower

must read

this book was lent to me on sunday and i finished it yesterday. i am getting my own copy so i can mark it all up. it is a must read for anyone who has lost a child. i will warn you, you will cry boat loads of tears.

i think it's neat to see how chris and i mourn so differently.

there is not a day that goes by that i have not thought or cried for my son

chris still mourns, but does so with his thoughts, where i will openly speak of ben. god created us so differently!

nate funny. this morning chris stood outside his door and listened in on nate's convo with himself, it went like this

"nanna, poppy, aunty, uncle, kin (quinn) go down stairs, open presents. presents very, very, very fun! oh yeah! presents" chris said this went on for sometime

nate has also gotten into greeting me in the morning with "HI MOMMY!!!! HI! HI! HI!" on the top of his voice :) it cracks me up. he's been in such a great mood lately! 0 comments

nate's new shoes

before church this am, nate went "missing" i finally found him, sitting in the front living room, in the chair that's in the corner. alone. quiet. and giggling. he was content to just sit there with his new shoes...
nate got a pair of new shoes, which he was quite delighted with. for some reason he kept pointing to his shoes and saying "yaya's new shoes" then show me and chris then everyone at church. he went into the kitchen, pulled out the bottom drawer, sat on it and kept showing me his new shoes...ha...maybe i can teach him the joy of shopping and new shoes!!! haha

love the expression. typical.

mini vent
for those who wonder what to say or not to say to someone who has had a miscarriage or a still born. i will help you out.
for the love of all living and wonderful creation, DO NOT COMPLAIN to me about how sick you are, how bad your back hurts and how you can't wait to be "done with this whole pregnancy" after i ask you how you are doing. you will NOT get sympathy from me; you may how ever get a punch in the face
end of vent
off to work on my attitude :)
seriously, come on. it's not rocket science. not only does it make me extremely uncomfortable to listen to you, it makes it harder for me to want to talk to you. esp watching your belly grow. take a second and think about what you are saying, this is useful in all situations!

old navy!

i scored at old navy yesterday! they had all the clearance on another 50% off and i had a 15% off coupon. i was thrilled to get a new wardrobe, in my new size (1 size larger) i have decided a few weeks ago to stop weighing myself (such freedom) and simply embrace my new size...which gave me a great excuse to shop. ha
i got 5 pairs of pants and a pair of cords
4 skirts
1 long sweater, 1 super soft vest, 3 tops, 1 tank, 1 sports top, 1 sports shirt
chris got 1 pair of pants and 4 shirts
all for the grand total of 80 bucks, tax in!
chris was working on the stairs to the basement this morning, so i took nate for a walk. he walked for most of it (1.5 km) and had a blast finding sticks and rocks to throw
peek a boo
chris finished the trims, cut out the base for the steps and painted them. smart looking eh
now all he has to do is put the step on, once the paint dries. he bought solid oak a month ago, planed, stuck them together, stained them. so all that is left is to attach them. i make it sound so easy. ha. now all is left is to finish his office and i can organize the storage room and set up the basement.

strong house

love the LORD your God with all your heart, soul, and strength

Memorize his laws and tell them to your children over and over again
talk about them all the time, whether you're at home or walking along the road or going to bed at night, or getting up in the morning
write down copies and tie them to your wrists and foreheads to help you obey them

write these laws on the door frames of your homes and on your town gates deut 6:5-9
so when your house is about to be hit, you are kept standing


a word that i have heard about my whole life. i have been told that us carroll's never die from old age, we all die to cancer

i have not nor will i ever fear that word. which would be why i wrote the above sentence. i believe that god knows my days, he knows my life and i give him total control over everything (that i am aware of :)

cancer has hit my home
my father has prostrate cancer
this is hard for me to process because until i met chris. my dad was the only guy who could fix anything, make everything right, take me shopping to make me feel better, listen to me ramble, on and on and on...kick my butt when i needed it, hold me when i cry, laugh with me when i am being silly and cheer me up when i need it.
dad, you taught me what to look for in a man, how to be treated right, how to stand up for myself and what i believe in. you set the standard high for what to look for in a life partner and for that i am so grateful.
simply put. my dad is the best dad. ever.
i know that you dad will kick this cancer thing. you will come out stronger
no words can be used to describe how valuable you are to this family
i love you dad


snow day

chris dressed nate. good job chris but the straps are twisted...
nate is getting so big. i keep telling him to "STOP GROWING" nate laughs and says "NO!"

i snapped pics from the comfort of my warm house, with a coffee in my hand. chris took nate out in the backyard to do some sledding
then had nate carry his sled up the hills himself
this was actually a big hill
nate loved it, he laughed
then it was time to roll in the snow
day's damage. nate wiped out on some ice and scratched his nose up. he loves to tell everyone the story of his owie. he seems to be quite proud of his scratches. ha

nate stuff

nate wants to be a vet. after putting him down for his nap, i came into the living room and found the sick pup on the couch. ha
nate built his first tower, all by himself. he was so proud that it didn't topple over

building away
water paint. best invention ever. nate loves to paint! i love the no mess of it! he has gone through 1 full book, painting every page
we went to the park yesterday to play in the snow. i froze my butt off, nate had a blast. i can't believe how much he has grown over the last few months. he can climb all over the play structure with no help from me. maybe i can spend this summer sitting on the bench with my java and watch him play instead of helping him climb on everything!
life goes on. nate is amazing to hang with. such a joy to have in my life!

the ultimate p/b cup!

i tweaked my recipe to utter perfection and created this amazing peanut butter cup. it's better than store bought!

melt a bag of choc chips in the micro on low heat. i use 2 kinds, semi sweet and sweet
stir in 2 tsp of oil. as you nuke the choc, stir it to prevent burning

then, if you have a mixer USE IT!
1/2 cup p/butter
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup icing sugar
1.5 tsp butter (soft)
1/2 tsp vanilla
mix, mix, mix! until it's a creamy mixture that is easy to roll into a ball. i mixed it on the 3rd lowest setting for almost 10 mins
line up mini cupcake wrappers on a plate/tray. pour the melted choc on the bottom of each cup. then make mini balls with the p/b, flatten it with your hand, place on top of the choc. then cover the p/b with choc. put in the fridge for 2 hrs to harden and voila
amazing peanut butter cups!
these are SO good!!! it was the only thing i made for my holiday baking. ha