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motherhood/grief

i discovered this article this morning, while searching my fav uplifting/encouraging blogs that give me the boost i need.  i read this one. i was in tears by the end of it. its a long read but oh, so, very true!  i must share!

link to the orgin post

 http://www.itakejoy.com/when-motherhood-includes-grief/

 


Motherhood.  The word conjures up a host of emotions and experiences that we long for and dream of for years.

Planning.  Expectations.  Anticipation.  Celebration.  Embracing.

Millions of women have experienced the miracle of motherhood.  The transition from a woman with a whole heart into a woman with a capacity to have her heart live both inside and outside of her body is a beautiful and miraculous process.

A woman’s heart is never again whole once she has children.  For each of her children carry a piece of her heart with them through life.  Our capacity for love grows with each new child.  We may think our hearts are full to capacity and yet with each new baby emotions shift and unexplainable reserves of love make their way into our hearts.


Yet, because we live in a broken world suspended between the perfection of the Garden of Eden and Heaven, we understand that life is not always carefree.  Sometimes, life brings events that shake our foundation for a season.

Infertility.  Miscarriage.  Stillborn.  Pre-maturity.  Death.

Harsh, ugly words that no one wants to say much less experience as part of their journey in life.
Yet…too many of us do have one or more of those words as part of our life’s resume.  Known as grief, there is a process that we go through when our hearts are disappointed and we lose people or dreams that we had loved and held onto in our souls.

And when babies we carried beneath our breasts, those who lived and breathed and whose heart beat to its’ own cadence closer to ours than any other human being will ever be, leave us…part of our heart goes to Heaven with them and never resides again here on earth.
  • When we miscarry, hormones rage.  Ovaries and uterus contract and try to find their rhythm again leaving us with emotions that are often hard to control.
  • When death comes to a child, the word sorrow takes on a depth of unexplainable meaning.
  • When we long for a child and fertility alludes us, empty wombs and arms seem to betray our femininity.
  • Grief includes waves of sadness that suffocate us making breathing seem a difficult chore.
  • In our valley, words spoken by well-meaning and good intentioned friends seem shallow.
  • Maybe most painful of all is that human comfort is lost for a season.
But then…God

The One who created life and orders our steps, reaches through the clouds of grief and reminds us that He alone understands our pain and offers comfort that carries us through the storm.  Slowly, often painfully slowly, He shows us grace and strength and the only true comfort that exists that can penetrate the human soul.



When healing begins, and it will, the next season is to find a way to remember and celebrate the life we embraced even if just in our dreams and in our womb for a few days or weeks.  The danger with grief is that it is so easy to get stuck somewhere in the process instead of moving through each phase toward healing. 

We can get stuck in the stage of denial, anger, etc.  It will be that one season of life that becomes so commonly focused on that it emerges as that for which we are remembered if we are not careful.

All of those harsh, ugly words that we fear most about motherhood are just a few of the issues that the winds of life have blown my way.  And, while each event rocked me for a season (or more sometimes), no one event is the sum total of who I am.  I don’t want to be defined only as the mom of a premature baby, special needs child, mom of a stillborn son, the lady who lost four babies, or a number of other things.  While all of those statements are true, they are not the only part of the legacy I want to leave behind.  My goal for a legacy is to be remembered as a woman who loved God with all her heart and though she failed so many times, she claimed the grace of God and loved her family and friends with all her heart.
So, if that is my goal, then that must be the thing on which I focus every day.  I am not minimizing grief.  Please know that.  It is real, painful, and a life-altering process.  But it doesn’t have to define us.  Grief doesn’t have to overshadow everything else good and wonderful in our lives.  Oh, it will for a season, for sure, and that is healthy and wise.  Grief is painful, intense, hard, difficult, and sometimes the very act of taking the next breath is physically painful.  I understand that completely.

I also understand that God is bigger than grief.  His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23) and His grace is abundant and sufficient (II Corinthians 12:9).  But please know that if you feel “stuck” in the grief process, there is help available.  Seek out Godly counsel and ask God to help you move “through” the stages of grief so that your legacy will not be that one traumatic experience.

There are some benefits when motherhood includes grief.  We are given a unique perspective on the true miracle of life.  We can celebrate on a grander stage those who call us mom.  We can embrace a little longer and relish the presence of those children who grace our homes.  And we can reach out to others who are newer to the journey of grief than we are and assure them that even when despair is fresh and pain is great, behind the clouds the sun truly is shining and it will break forth again in their lives.

Motherhood is a celebration.  An amazing gift God has granted the females of the human race.  It is an opportunity to nurture, embrace, train, love, disciple the next generation of human beings.  How blessed we are to be in that group of women who have held motherhood in our hearts and life in our arms.
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gold for canada!!!!

ive been following the Olympics this yr.  at first it was for home education but quickly turned into a me following it for myself!  and not so much nate. i love that about home education, freedom to do as we wish, when we wish it.  ive taken advantage of turning on the tv during the day to watch certain competitions.

a-n-ways

this morning, i asked nate to shut mind craft off so i can watch the canadian men's final game between sweden/ canada for the gold

i started watching at the 1/2 way mark. and naturally nate came and sat down beside me to watch. then ask questions and more questions and more questions

to which i was shocked as well as nate that i was able to answer ALL his questions.  towards the end of the game he said "mom! you know so much about hockey! i didn't know that you were so hockey smart!"

i laughed at nate and said well, i am canadian, and grew up watching sports (thanks dad!) and spend many, many, many hours in hockey rinks in high school (there wasnt much to do in pei in jan!) 

and i just have to say....sorry switzerland about the ladies hockey.  heehee i loved teasing chris about it.


1 comments

this and that

 nate took my pic the other day, with out telling me. ha. not too bad buddy! 
 ellie doll. this child is the best. ha.  she comes over to me yesterday morning, taps my leg and says "hi! mama! hi!"  then pulls her top up and her pants down which means "poop! in my diaper"  come and change me. hahaha  so i did. silly girl!
nate. at the movies looking quite happy. he gets his happy genes from his father

i sit here on a sunday afternoon. praying for spring to come soon. seriously! i cant handle being locked up much longer. i need to be outside, sitting on the porch, watching the kids play with a java in my hand. NOT inside, sitting on the couch, watching nate play mind craft, which hes actually quite good at. i want summer!!!!!!

happy sunday everyone.  please spring come, i know you always do.... 1 comments

pregnancy and books!

this morning, 16.5 wks. im huge. cant wait to see how i look at 26 wks
 belly shot!

pregnancy update for those who care. ha!

i had my prenatal appointment on monday. everything went well.  now that i am normal patient i go to the clinic and have to wait a bit longer for the dr.  when you are seen by on obg your appointments are usually on time. when you go to the clinic there is 1 dr and if someone goes into labour or there is an emergency, back up you wait for the dr!  its annoying at times but so far ive been ubber lucky!

i saw the nurses and the rn in 30 mins.  then waited an hour to see the dr!  i am up 3 pounds from last check up, so about 13ish in total so far?  my blood pressure is normal and there is no protein showing its head. which is great!

best part, we got the baby's heartbeat in 30 seconds and listened to it for a good 5-10 mins.  154 bpm.  strong and loud! the baby stayed in the same place so we were able to listen with out interruptions. something that NEVER happened with miss moves every second ellie!   i am carrying low, but there is no concern about it i carried very low with nate,  and i measure a solid 3" belly.  wheeee i actually have a belly!

and we have movement!  i felt flutters last week and full on baby fishy moves this week. mostly at night, when i am still. haha  i hardly even notice im preggers during the day, too busy to think about it.  awesome. ha.

there has been NO spotting, cramping, bleeding or other problems.  i am in a state of shock, this is a normal-no complications pregnancy! whee!

we find out the sex next months and yes, i want to know and yes, ill be blabbing it.

read a thon!  so this yr we did the read a thon for the first time.  its a fundraiser to help support the moncton christian home educators .  your child reads 10 hrs in 3 wks, you get sponsors for it.  you keep 1/2 the money raised to buy books/curriculum at the local home school store and the other 1/2 goes to the mche library for books to borrow.

the home school store is closing and liquidating the books. the stock was quite low and i wasn't able to purchase any curriculum for nate for next year which was the plan.  so in stead i was able to purchase educational books that you would find in a school library/text book style book
 i made up a chart to keep track of the books nate read and the time it took him.  he finished today!  im so proud of him!  he did it all by himself!
so this morning, i picked up my friend lo to keep me company and we hit up the store.  this was my haul of books. to give you a general idea of how expensive books are this is 250.00 worth of books. NOT including curriculum!

ppl ask me if its expensive to home school and i always say, it can be as expensive as you want it to be or as frugal as possible!  we have a budget of what i aim to spend on books each year.  i tend to come in on the lower side of things...im cheap. haha BUT somethings i do spend the money on...somethings i do are-

-buy at the end of the yr used book sales!!!!  i make a list a good yr a head of what i am looking for and see if i can pick it up used!

-sales!!  local venders offer discounts and i do buy on line, when things go on sale!

-buy from friends and others in our local group!

-garage sales!! ive loaded up on a lot of books from random sales ive come across

-i try to buy as much reusable currics as i can for all the kids.  i buy the text book and then only have to purchase work books annually

-trade books with friends!

chris and i also look at it as a long term investment for all of our kids.  the books will be used 3 times making it more cost worthy. ha.  besides by the time you add up the costs we save on public school costs it breaks even (meaning saved money on school fees, gas, clothing, extra curric's etc...*NOT comparing the 2 together!!!)  anyways!

to answer thou, you can easily home educate a child in elem for 300 a yr.  and thats with new/used books

so there ya goes!  another load of books to read to nate! he's already bugging me to read the book on the blood guy as he calls it (start of blood collection)

one last nate story. i LOVE this dude!

yesterday i stopped in for my weekly tims (i try to buy 1 coffee a week, cut backs haha)  and got a donut for us to share, after nate finished eating i tossed him a wipe knowing his fingers and face would be covered in the sugary-goodness....i saw nate lean over after he took the wipe and i watched him wipe ellies fingers and face. then he asked for another wipe for himself

seriously? my heart.

back to my new books i go, to glaze upon the newness of them....haha

happy thursday!!! 1 comments

kids!

 ellie got into nates science tubes and enjoyed herself
 my cutie!!

nate is totally into building things with blocks. legos and knex.  he usually builds machines or machines in general. ha
 one of yesterdays creations
but they are slowly taking over my house....
 every where i look i see constructions!
id rather that than video games!  check one for creativity! 0 comments

sickies and snow

 the sickies hit the house sunday and stayed all day even thou we told them they were not welcome and to leave!
nate was so sick, poor dude.  he slept on dad's shoulder for a bit
 but he woke up mon feeling back to his normal and was able to return to his kids duties

the snow we got sat night-sun morning. this pick is for mom and dad. good choice on leaving early!
 nate found his way into my bed sun night for late night snuggles and cuddles.
we are all better now, it was that 24 hr bug. nasty!  thank you chris for dealing with the puke. love you! 2 comments

our wkend in pics

 fri morning, i left ellie with nate for a few and found them like this
seriously. my heart. the best valentine's day gift ever.

when i cuddle the 2 kids i giggle inside and think i have all 3 with me! haha

nate wanted to make a sign for nana, papa, quinn and charlie who came up for the weekend
he decorated it himself and dew all the pictures
 playing shopping. nate helped her stack her toys so they would stay in the cart
 then helped her push it cause it was too heavy
im actually training him for his wife. haha
 while waiting for supper to be ready, i sent the active kids to make place cards for each of us
they came up with these. nate wrote and drew the pictures (inside) quinn glued hearts on them
 charlie and nate. waiting for supper
 the kids running wild
 charlie playing with ellies doll house
 the only time the kids were quiet all weekend. they were waiting for cake
 this morning
company left yesterday to avoid the storm that hit over night
they were back to themselves as bestie bro and sis
 awww
that was my crazy valentines day weekend! 
how was yours? 1 comments

its been a week!

 before i go on complaining. ha. here are a few pics to enjoy.  nate loves to leave selfies on my phone

i secretly love it but i always scold him for touching my phone!

the other day ellie woke up ubber early from her nap, which interrupted school time. i nate and i continued at the table, working away and when i looked over we saw this....
 silly girl!
 this morning, while collecting garbage, making beds and changing sheets i asked nate to play with ellie till i got back. i came back to this...
 nate made a ship for them to play on.  kept them busy for the 20 mins i was gone

i  have had a busy week. unfortch i have nothing to show for it.  i am trying to play catch up from my lacking chores over the last few months.  i have ben running laundry, cleaning bathrooms, bed rooms, wiping walls, floors, stairs and doors and well anything that 4 little hands LOVE to touch. haha

i just find i can just keep up, not stay ahead, just maintain the "lived in" look my house requires now. AND have friends over to see it.  sigh.  my standards have lowered a lot. yesterday i was on my knees scrubbing out the bathtub when ellie walked in, taped my leg and saud "hi ya, mama. hi!"  i was like "this blows. i dont wanna scrub a tub. i wanna play with my kids"  so i quickly finished the job and joined the kids in nates, trashed room!

after school today we were cleaning up the school stuff, cleaning the table off and i walked into the living room to find this
 sob sob sob i can;t keep up! hahaha welcome to my lived in house!

ok. v-day. i loath and do not celebrate v-day or other hallmark holidays!  this yr i decided to do something, that didn't cost a cent! for nate

i came up with this.  i wrote a note "why i love nate" and each day i wrote out a reason why i love him.  he really loves this.  i write silly and serious reasons why i think he's the best kid.  maybe i should have done one for ellie? haha
 ellie LOVES the playroom. nate never uses it. she on the other hand LOVES it.  and she loves the slide!  i love sending them up to play while i have a minute to blog. haha

this is my life. one pile of a mess after another!

BUT i am thankful and content. god has blessed me and i will thank him, even in the mist of the messes, cereal and toast for supper....cough......cough...... 2 comments

pregnancy and kids!

 yesterday morning, 15 weeks
 yep, im showing way earlier than the other 3!
 this pregnancy is the most uneventful, relaxed pregnancy so far!  i have my next prenatal next week so i ll have an update on my treatment and what not

so far thou, i am almost sick free! almost because every once and a while it sneaks up on me and i spent the night on the couch. my energy is back, and i am in a routine with the kids. routine is good, everything is getting done!

my cravings are bizarre and weird!

golden delish apples! i went through 12 pounds since christmas!  i try not to eat more than 2  a day!

cheese!- any kind! i eat a brick a week

tuna!!!!- LOVE it. seriously who craves tuna???? i do! yummy!

wendys burgers! for real!  i have had 2 so far. i dont normally eat fast food, so im being careful

fries!- i make them at home so they are a bit healthier!

i puke a bit in my mouth at the thought of eating salad! and most green veggies

i dont weigh myself so i have no report on weight gain.  im guessing 10? not sure. ill know a ball park guess  next week  at my appointment.  i was told to only gain 25 max. HAHAHAHAHA yeah right. i gained 50+ with nate and 40 with ellie. 25? not gonna happen!

i have gas feelings and general bubbles in the tummy at night. so there is movement, nothing that i can say for sure i felt the baby move. i was 17 wks with nate, 16 wks with both ben and ellie when i felt positive movement...so anytime now!  yeah!

over all, things are good and i cant be happier about it!  and thats my preggo update!

yesterday after church, nate was very talkative.  he asked if we could go for lunch or grab a snack to just talk. so we went to tims.  nate wanted to sit in the front seat so i pulled over in a parking lot and we chatted. or rather nate talked for 45 MINUTES!  i timed it. he shared so much with me, i let him talk and enjoyed listening to him, hes growing up so fast, forming his own thoughts and opinions.  its so neat to watch


i enjoyed our date and the secrets of his heart that he shared with me.  i hope i can live up to his expectations as a mom. parenting is hard!
 yesterday i had to spend a few hrs in the playroom, working on church stuff.  i looked over and saw this
nate went and got a snack for them. got them both a container and he filled hers with berries for her. seriously, i can not thank god enough for their bond. nate takes such good care of her! 0 comments

love notes!

 the other night i was out, chris put the kids to bed. i came home got ready for bed and found this note on my night stand

sigh

chris joins me a few minutes later, as he put down his glass he heard a crinkle sound, chris said "what's this?" 
i said "oh you got a note from nate too! he left me on on my night stand"
chris turned on his light and burst out laughing
 bawahhhhhh
i get i love you mom with a heart
chris gets i dont love you dad with a mad face
please note that nate drew himself and then wrote 'me' under it so we know its him and hes not happy with chris

i seriously laughed my butt off. kids are so real, so raw and so honest!
(nate was upset that chris sent him to bed early with no video game playing)
 another shot of nate reading to ellie. cause i can. its my blog. ha

in search for prego wear, i spotted this keeper of a shirt
 who would NOT want to wear this?
 bawahhhhh!
4 comments

playing together

 i find these 2, stuck like glue. ellie loves nate and has to taken to copying him!  i find them all over the house, together, playing

they were emailing papa yesterday in florida.  dad, did you get it?  nate wanted to know when on the 14th are you coming? haha
 playing ninja on the couch
 last night they sent another email to papa asking when he was coming home. ha love the creativity
 building mega blocks before gym class
 such concentration
ellie LOVES the mega blocks, she will sit and play with them for a good 30 mins. love it!

my selfie belly shot. 14.5 wks
maybe ill get chris to take a shot this week....

happy thursday everyone! 2 comments