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just one of those weeks

have you ever just wanna put your head down and cry? ha

it's been one of those weeks. extremely filled with good and bad, mad and sad....i am just so glad to kick this week over and start the weekend!
we took nate to the pool this afternoon...he loves the water!

"you want some???"
nice arm and leg placement
great kicking. we did not teach him this, he did it on his own
misty joined nate in on his rock hunting
he was so taken with the treego! he loved watching the ppl zip bye
"another one!"
sandy feet='s lots of fun!
"i love you daddy"
brad took a nap!
thanks brad and misty for joining us! we must do this again!
well we are off tomorrow to my bro's and his wife's place for the long weekend. i am GASP leaving my lap top, cell phone and connection to the world behind. we i am going dark after this post. see ya's all next week! have a fun and safe long weekend!

a lesson worth learning

does one need to experience something in this thing called "life" in order to simply care?

does a person have to "been there" "done it" to be used by god?

can a person who has never experienced a situation for them self actually help someone who is in the midst of pain and turmoil?

i ask because 5 years ago my answer would have been different than today's

much different

5 years ago i would have firmly said NO!!! are YOU outta your living! loving! mind!!?

a lot of my own personal pain is in the area of fertility, trying to get pregnant and staying pregnant

5 yrs ago i would have laughed at you, possibly even in your face if you had kids, had zero problem getting them, have never lost a baby or peed on a stick (from the stock pile) and held it to the window, praying for a line to show up..waiting for that line...after those precious 10 mins tick by, you look again...seeing no line, you take the test a part, then hold it up at the window (maybe it's broken or something???), still with some hope, then you take the bedside lamp to the said window for some more that a line????? then you realise that it's just your dried up pee leaving a mark

then you toss that test in the garbage

and pull it right back out 10 mins later....just to make sure

in tears... fury? sadness? anger? you toss it away

and check back an hour later

just to make really sure

then you reach into the garbage, take it back out and hold to the window, cause you know the room IS getting darker....maybe there really IS a line there but you can't quite see it because the room is quite dark now....

no, no line...just dried up pee

then you put the test away

in your dresser...just to check again...

and repeat this the following day...and the day after...until your friend comes for a visit

what was i saying again?

oh yeah. if you came to me and said that you understood how i felt. how i was feeling or you been there. i would have laughed with bitterness, envy and hate at you. then made fun of you...or worse (i am ashamed to be this honest) save my rage for chris and vomit all over him, in the privacy of our home...where the REAL me comes out to play....

see, if YOU had kids. i would have taken your words with a grain of salt. i most defiantly would NOT listen to you or even care how you feel. why should i? YOU don't understand!

because, really, seriously, how can YOU understand MY pain?

one day this all changed


get cosy. this is the real side of me. and yet, i share....

after i lost ben. oh how those days were dark...

one morning. like normal, i make my coffee (oh delish!) opened my lap top and checked my email

there was a message from my sister in law. she lives in swissland. she has 2 kid's. she has never "tried" to get pregnant. never lost a baby, miscarried or waited more than 2 weeks to test. she saw 2 bright lines, right away. both times. then went off to tell the world, buy baby clothes and set up the nursery. today, they have their kids. their family is complete. she is selling all her baby things, because she doesn't need them anymore. she has moved on

she sent me an email one cold, dark, dreary january morning

she asked me if i could please send her a picture of ben's mittens so she could put it in a frame and add him to her wall. the wall of pictures of all her nieces and nephews

i sat


i felt the tears fall

and fall

oh how they fell

i put my head down and sobbed


because she understood, sure not personally, but importantly she understood the preciousness of a lost baby

and included him as her nephew, placing his mitt's with those other adorable faces

maybe it was her form of reaching out to me, in the delicate state i was in, not knowing what to do or say (bec words really are useless sometimes)

i was so wrong. i was so blind

she didn't have to understand or even "been there" to allow herself to simply care. more important to allow god to speak to her heart and spirit and send me a simple message

a message of support, understanding, sympathy, kindness, support and a heart to reach out

that message chipped off a huge piece of built up bitterness

i was open again

how could someone who did not understand the pain, cut me so deep (in a good way) and hit that place that NO one else could?

why her? really, the last person who could understand my pain

but in her god given, natural, motherly love, she was able to see something that i could not

she was able to help me in ways that she will never, fully understand

if i allowed myself to be so narrow minded, closed off and bitter. i would have missed one of the greatest lesson brought to me

god will use anyone. and usually the least likely

most importantly

i must keep my heart open, even when it hurts the most, to allow god to bring people, situations and life to bring healing

so, i openly, publicly, with tears in my eyes, on my face and in my heart. i apologise to you my sister in love. i am sorry to classing you as someone who could never understand, there for are not "worthy" of my friendship...i was so wrong. so, so wrong

will you forgive me?

i know you will, you have one of the most tender hearts that i know. that's why god chose you. you care so deep, your empathy is astounding

*i post this, with out contacting my sis-in-law first. this will prob be news to her. i pray that you know me well enough to hear my words, typed and not spoken...with love and and kindness


prayers needed

i have never done this before

i need your prayers

not for me

a dear friend of mine and mom in waiting is needing some serious prayers tonight and tomorrow

with out going in to the private deets, to respect her privacy and what not

i am asking you to stop and pray for my friend

pray for/that-

the presence of god will surround her and cover her with such strength and power, nothing that she has ever had before

she will stand and declare with me, the greatness of god in the land of the living

that nothing bad will come to her

she is protected; as with everyone that is connected to her

god will give her the desires of her heart

i have been praying for her almost all day. i need you guys to do the same. i am sorry that i can not go into the details of her situation. respect that. god knows what's going on

girl. i love you. i care. i am with you. you are loved 0 comments


i went with a gal pal last night, much to c's shock (me? a 'action' flick) he wanted to see it. i actually picked it...and not a chick flick

it was a good movie

on the way out the door. i had a full convo with naters. it went like this

n-mommy, where you going?
m-i am going out with a friend
n-who's friend's name?
m-mrs. v
n-oh, she has the 2 boyzzzzz?
n-what you going to do?
m- we are going to a movie
n-what movie do you see?
m-yes, salt
n-oh mommy, you no see salt! you eat salt! salt is no movie. you are silly!
m-yes, you can eat salt but the name of the movie is also called salt
n-no mommy, you no watch salt. you eat salt! you are so silly
m-get in the house, close the door and go to your dad
n-ok mommy, i see you tomorrow. have fun!
m-you crack me up!

hee hee. i laughed most of the way to v's house. silly kid

another one

with the house guests, i am trying to keep nate quiet in the mornings. so i have resorted to putting the tv on in my room. monday morning, i told him to stay on my bed and be quiet. that i was going to take a shower and he could watch sid the science kid while i do that. he says...."what mommy, i no use my imaginations this morning?" hee hee. i tell him NO t.v. but to play and use his imagination....har.har!

i do love having conversations with him. he's funny. i want 3 more just like him 0 comments

chatting at the sky

i was making cookies (see below) last night and i went out to see what the men folk were doing. i saw this. awww. my heart hurts it's so full
i can proudly say i perfected this cookie. chris wants me to make it into a square, so next time i will do that...this is what i did to make these AMAZING yummieness
remember i don't measure. i just dump, pour and guess
mixed 4 banana until almost liquid (on high for 5 mins)
threw in oatmeal
flax seed
wheat germ
1 apple pealed and sliced
p.butter mini chips (1 handful)
sun flower seeds
yogurt mini chips
baked at 325 for 12 mins
there is no
eggs or milk in them
healthy, wonderfully great!
to keep the house quiet for our house guests, (more on that later) i took nate out bright and early this morning. we went to bring breakfast to the ducks
after we fed the said ducks, i noticed bread on nate's stroller. i asked him. his reply?
"that is for me, for later"
haha (no worries. the bread was fresh)
1 for me
1 for the ducks
nate is funny. he had a conversation by himself as i pushed him along. his latest craze? his "sister...charlotte grace" he. will. not. stop. talking. about her! i told him it's his coz but nope. he is convinced that charlotte grace is in deed his baby sister. he is now praying for a baby sister or brother...break my heart. ben would have been 4 months now...

beach day! sorta...

ok. not the beach per say...but it's my kinda's an outside pool, surrounded by sand and grass. it's perfect! why?

because i detest the beach! (i know, i know not your typical merrytimer!) my idea of a good time is NOT sitting on a hot beach, surrounded by icky, dirty, gritty, hot sand (that get's everywhere) then to cool off you have to walk in this hot sand, to the icky water...which is full of water creatures that bite and sting. then you can reward yourself with salt water all over your skin...then walk out of this salt water to the hot sand, which you can take with you to your towel/blanket and get even dirtier...then you can sit and bake on the sand, with salt water all over your skin....that dies and you feel even grosser...yeah! fun stuff!! and what if you have to go to the bathroom? there are no flush toilets there...eww!


this beach has the sand. then you can walk into a clean pool and wash it all off...go back to your towel, wipe your feet on the grass and settle with clean, un salted skin as you watch your son play...loves it!
us 3
yep cry that's the 4 buck bikini!
nate LOVED the water. no fear from him at all!
then off he went to find some friends and they played. nate chooses to play with older kids!
more playing
more towel silliness
water boy!
we are so going back to this back yard beach!

ball pit and go-karts!

what a weekend! it was busy and fun! i am just now uploading the pics...
we took nate to this amazing park with a ball pi. i chose to ignore my "ewww icky ball pitness" closed my eyes and let nate dive in...with his new cloths on and everything!

buried alive by balls!
running jump!
"me drive all by myself!"
daddy and natey getting ready for the go-kartness
i heard him yell "MOMMIEEEEE I AM HAVING FUNNNNNNNNN" as they zoomed pass me
self shot of the cheering squad
then off to ice cream
please notice the size of these cones. i licked a wee bit off, chris did too but nate's is still intact. this is to show you the actual size of the cone that they gave us. for 2.65 each!!! for real! if i did not have my bogo's this ice cream treat would have cost us 7.95. all i have to say is REDIC!
last night i went for a run and chris put nate to bed. chris told me that nate did the whole prayers by himself and said this
"dear jesus, thank you for today and all the super surprises. thank you for mommy and daddy and nana and poppa. thank you for the cart ride, the ice cream and the fun. amen"
on the way home he said "thank you for the fun surprises" awwww
seriously, i want to bless him and love him and hug him when he is so thankful and has a attitude of gratitude! is this how god feels about us?

mail! mail! mail!

" wheee"
"mom, my big boy underwares!" i left them at mom and dad and they sent them up with...
"oh what's this mom?"
a BUG book!
which he loves, in case you didn't get that
now all i hear is
n-"mom, i like bugs. do you like bugs?"
me-"no, i do not like bugs"
n-"mom, does daddy like bugs?"
m-"yes he does"
n-"mom, i like bugs. do you like bugs?"
repeat over and over and over...
BUGS! we already did 2 of the activities. it's a great book, i can't believe that we are sitting down and learning our letters, numbers and colors. where oh where did my baby go? sniff
then on to the next piece of mail
he is touching the letters saying "this spells my name. my name is yaya poopy head" yep, that is what he said
ohhh a COOKIE
"for ME?"
he loved it! thanks vati and muetti! we also got the cute outfit and ru and sar's pic. i just ran out of memory on the cam and wasn't able to capture it...don't ask why i didn't just empty the card...its a chris thing...he's kinda anal you knows!
we spent the morning swimming at our friends place, the kids played so well together! i sat and baked in the hot, hot sun and didn't bother with pics (sorry carla) but take my word, fun was had by all!
and with that i must go and get the house cleaned up a bit. we have a busy (but fun filled!) weekend ahead of us!
have a fabo friday everyone!

what's your poison?

did ya's know today is JUNK FOOD DAY! now that's a holiday worth celebrating! i choose to honor it by devouring in massive quantities
ice cream (but really now, that's everyday!)
cherrio snack mix
french fries
big mac
swiss chocolate
i plan on working out for hours after. haha

kids of integrity

seriously. the. best. site. evah

want to start that creative bug to teach godly principles to your kidlets? check this site out. love. it!

enjoy! 6 comments

reading, costco and creation!

reading while i was getting ready...such a great kid!
then he said "i am daddy, see me sleep" heehee...then he pointed to the couch and said "daddy sleeps here" ha! busted!
this is for you babe. yep, it's back, at costco. waiting for want it, you know it....haha
ohhlalala check this sweet baby out. chris, you could organise and put all your toys/tools in there right and proper place...haha
finally discovered how to make nate happy while shopping. baggie with a home made snack mix...with mini choc chips mixed in to make him dig out...he spent the whole time picking out what he likes..i got to shop in quiet, nate got to eat. perfect out ting!
then to the park with a coffee to chill, relax and enjoy the sun!!! see nate on the rock edge?
water fountain requires no shoes ya's know...i found his shoes on the other side of the fountain
water boy. yep, i let him play in the fountain
creation book!
in teaching nate about creation i made him a book. each page has a number and a pic of what was created on that day, with a scripture...he loves it! he helped me put it together...he cut the pic's out and taped the numbers and pic's on it. it's also a great way to review numbers with him
it's on the table for him to play with. he is quite taken with it...ha!