a lesson worth learning

does one need to experience something in this thing called "life" in order to simply care?

does a person have to "been there" "done it" to be used by god?

can a person who has never experienced a situation for them self actually help someone who is in the midst of pain and turmoil?

i ask because 5 years ago my answer would have been different than today's

much different

5 years ago i would have firmly said NO!!! are YOU outta your living! loving! mind!!?

a lot of my own personal pain is in the area of fertility, trying to get pregnant and staying pregnant

5 yrs ago i would have laughed at you, possibly even in your face if you had kids, had zero problem getting them, have never lost a baby or peed on a stick (from the stock pile) and held it to the window, praying for a line to show up..waiting for that line...after those precious 10 mins tick by, you look again...seeing no line, you take the test a part, then hold it up at the window (maybe it's broken or something???), still with some hope, then you take the bedside lamp to the said window for some more light....praying...is that a line????? then you realise that it's just your dried up pee leaving a mark

then you toss that test in the garbage

and pull it right back out 10 mins later....just to make sure

in tears... fury? sadness? anger? you toss it away

and check back an hour later

just to make really sure

then you reach into the garbage, take it back out and hold to the window, cause you know the room IS getting darker....maybe there really IS a line there but you can't quite see it because the room is quite dark now....

no, no line...just dried up pee

then you put the test away

in your dresser...just to check again...

and repeat this the following day...and the day after...until your friend comes for a visit

what was i saying again?

oh yeah. if you came to me and said that you understood how i felt. how i was feeling or you been there. i would have laughed with bitterness, envy and hate at you. then made fun of you...or worse (i am ashamed to be this honest) save my rage for chris and vomit all over him, in the privacy of our home...where the REAL me comes out to play....

see, if YOU had kids. i would have taken your words with a grain of salt. i most defiantly would NOT listen to you or even care how you feel. why should i? YOU don't understand!

because, really, seriously, how can YOU understand MY pain?

one day this all changed

how?

get cosy. this is the real side of me. and yet, i share....

after i lost ben. oh how those days were dark...

one morning. like normal, i make my coffee (oh delish!) opened my lap top and checked my email

there was a message from my sister in law. she lives in swissland. she has 2 kid's. she has never "tried" to get pregnant. never lost a baby, miscarried or waited more than 2 weeks to test. she saw 2 bright lines, right away. both times. then went off to tell the world, buy baby clothes and set up the nursery. today, they have their kids. their family is complete. she is selling all her baby things, because she doesn't need them anymore. she has moved on

she sent me an email one cold, dark, dreary january morning

she asked me if i could please send her a picture of ben's mittens so she could put it in a frame and add him to her wall. the wall of pictures of all her nieces and nephews

i sat

silent

i felt the tears fall

and fall

oh how they fell

i put my head down and sobbed

why?

because she understood, sure not personally, but importantly she understood the preciousness of a lost baby

and included him as her nephew, placing his mitt's with those other adorable faces

maybe it was her form of reaching out to me, in the delicate state i was in, not knowing what to do or say (bec words really are useless sometimes)

i was so wrong. i was so blind

she didn't have to understand or even "been there" to allow herself to simply care. more important to allow god to speak to her heart and spirit and send me a simple message

a message of support, understanding, sympathy, kindness, support and a heart to reach out

that message chipped off a huge piece of built up bitterness

i was open again

how could someone who did not understand the pain, cut me so deep (in a good way) and hit that place that NO one else could?

why her? really, the last person who could understand my pain

but in her god given, natural, motherly love, she was able to see something that i could not

she was able to help me in ways that she will never, fully understand

if i allowed myself to be so narrow minded, closed off and bitter. i would have missed one of the greatest lesson brought to me

god will use anyone. and usually the least likely

most importantly

i must keep my heart open, even when it hurts the most, to allow god to bring people, situations and life to bring healing

so, i openly, publicly, with tears in my eyes, on my face and in my heart. i apologise to you my sister in love. i am sorry to classing you as someone who could never understand, there for are not "worthy" of my friendship...i was so wrong. so, so wrong

will you forgive me?

i know you will, you have one of the most tender hearts that i know. that's why god chose you. you care so deep, your empathy is astounding

*i post this, with out contacting my sis-in-law first. this will prob be news to her. i pray that you know me well enough to hear my words, typed and not spoken...with love and goodness...love and kindness

Posted by mel at 3:04 PM