This awesome blogger theme comes under a Creative Commons license. They are free of charge to use as a theme for your blog and you can make changes to the templates to suit your needs.

morning breaky convo

n-mommy, i ate ALL my cereal and milk!

m-good job buddy!
n-i am a growing boy
m-yes you are
n-mommy am i growing bigger and bigger and bigger?
m-yes you are
n-am i a big boy yet?
m- yes you are a big boy!
n- (jumping up on his chair, fist pumping the air and yelling) YES!!! now i can go to disneyworld and see mickey and minnie and goofy and cinderella and the munks (chipmunks)
haha. good try buddy
*we tell him that MAYBE one day when he's bigger maybe we can go....maybe...but all he hears is when you are bigger you can go haha


i saw this pic and thought "man, ursi would rock this hair do" so i share i thought i would have the perfect hair for it and bone structure.......dooooooo itttttttttt! 0 comments

swimming boy!

i snapped this, see his teeny feet? he's changing himself like a big boy. sniff
i snapped 1 illegal are not allowed to take pics but i could not resist!
we finally signed nate up for swimming. nate LOVES the water and all things related to swimming. i wanted to wait until he was older, old enough to understand and get something from the lessons. anyways. we got him a pass at the ymca and with it he gets his lessons plus 4 extra classes a week (gym, play buddies, swim and the super tots program) so it's the best bang for the buck. chris is taking him to the lessons but i had to go last night for his first. it went well. he loves the water!

window watching

ohhh whatcha looking at naters?
that would be "i love my mommy" in the snow
beside his christmas tree
last night while i was out, chris and nate worked on this "secret project" in the snow. they wrote i love mommy, then lit the mini pine tree with lights. yeah. for real. it's nate's tree. ha
since nate is night trained (sniff, where's my baby???) chris takes him to "empty his bladder" as nate calls it around 12ish and brings him to our bed for some chatter and snuggles. i LOVE this! last night, nate slept with me. i cherish this. anyways. he's all cuddled into me and he sits up proclaims that he has a secret surprise for me out side, that he and daddy wrote in the snow for me and that it says i love mommy. i asked him if that was the surprise and he said yes...good thing he didn't tell me. haha
just another day in the eig house
it's a new day! yeah!

i want to say thanks for every one's love, support, phone calls, emails, voice messages, visits bearing chocolate (delish!), cards and finally...the simple answer to that nagging year long question

what can i do to remember my son? cake? a tree? a balloon release? a donation? a picture? a grave? what?

i searched for something to do, something to give me the peace i needed to continue on but not forget my son

yesterday i came home from church and opened the adorable bag pictured above and smiled

finally. i knew i had the answer and here it came as a gift

what? a simple, elegant, totally my style, lightly sented candle. it's now resting upstairs on my desk, where it will be lit when i want/need to, smell the aroma and know that everything will be ok

thanks you everyone

i can honestly say, i have a supportive family and amazing friends

love you all 0 comments

he's here!

santa that is. we braved the snow, the wind and the cold

actually, we sat cosy, comfy in chris's office and watched the santa parade go by

we were worm. dry. and happy. i was torn. do i sit outside and get the "real" feel of the whole parade, sitting on the curb in the snow watching the parade?


do we sit in chris's office and watch from there?

after forehead slapping myself, i settled on INSIDE where it's warm and dry...ha
we invited our friends along with their kids and of course, i held the baby

nate funny- nate came over and said "mommy, can i see baby sweet cheeks?" i said sure, then he looked at me and said "mommy, why isn't baby sweet cheeks in your arms?"
haha. veronique had her at that time...i took her shortly after....haha
and veronique held nate
silly kid chatter was had
daddy and daughter
ohhh the lights
some tough guy tackling
nate won
and lots of fluffy "pretty" snow (as much as cold snow can be) feel on the way home.
so he's here. santa is in town
and this marks the first of many more parades that will come!

the best gifts

don't have to cost much


i went out last night and was welcomed home to the above. chris knows how i adore thee sweet and sour sauce from mcdee's. so while dinning there for supper with nate last night, chris ordered me a bag of sauce. all for 4.00.

i am simply in heaven

funny nate story

chris was welcomed home last night by nate. their convo went like this:

n-daddy, i has to ask you something

c-what buddy?

n-daddy, i has to ask you something, very, very important!


n-daddy, can you take me to mcdonalds for supper?


they went to mcdee's and i went shopping

which leads to the next story:

i was at zellers, just to cheer up, with their moon night madness. i was shopping the clearance racks, alone, with a coffee='s heaven...i tried on a boat load of clothing, all of ot was another 1/2 price...

i had about 6 pieces, a few sweaters, tights, sports bras etc...i went to the toys then i hear "there is a 15 min special in the ladies department, 1 rack of clothing 2.00"

i KNEW it was the rack i picked 4 of my items from. so i booted (in a calm manner, not wanting to look like one of "those" shoppers..haha)

yep. it was that rack. so i grabbed some more i ended up getting-

- 5 sweaters

-2 pairs of tights

-1 top

all for 16.00 in total

cool eh

i love me a deal. esp when i love the clothing. i also got nate's birthday gift. a toy story BIKE, with training wheels for 40.00! 2 comments

1 yr

one year ago today

one year ago at this time

one year ago at this moment

this whole nightmare started

we lost our baby

after the news. i was sent for tests and blood work. i don't remember much of it, only that i cried. a lot. and i had to sit in the mat ward, a room full of bellies. once i was finally able to leave...chris and i went home

i remember walking in the door. seeing nate in the corner, crying because i was not home yet, i went to him, held him. turned my back to my dad who was waiting at the door way

chris said he shook his head and whispered to dad "we lost the baby"

after i settled nate. i went to my room. i wanted to be alone

i cried

instinct lead my hand to my belly, then i realized that he (i knew it was a boy before i delivered him) was dead

a dead baby in my belly

suddenly i felt cold. i remember turing the fire place heater on, crawling back into bed to warm up

i lay ed there. so many feelings, emotions, thoughts, plan/life changes really had to take place

i thought over what was going to happen the next day. i would go to the hospital first thing, be induced, that scared me. i was also induced with nate and that did not go so well, so i was scared. then i had to process that i was going to go into labour and deliver him...what would he look like? how big would he be? would he look like a baby? or worse? the dr's did say that they thought he had died at 15 weeks and if that was true he would be decomposed and would look like a wad of tissue or worse...

but i knew he had just died, i felt him move a few days earlier

so did i want to see him? hold him?

how was my labour going to go? how long would this take?

i was so scared

i got up a few hours later, emailed 3 people and had chris contact others. as an after thought, i googled "induction at 20 wks" and found some helpful information, stories of people who had gone there before. i took their advise

i went back to bed

i called for chris. we talked. he left. i prayed

i was shown what to call him. i knew he was a boy. i named him benjamin

i went to bed...not much sleep was had

i go up early the next morning. hit the shower. i remember as the hot water hit my head, i felt the tears hit me. i sank down to the floor, on my knees, head against the tub ledge, i sobbed. i remember the sound i made. i literally felt that i was dying. the pain was so bad

we got to the hospital. we had to come back home due to an emerg section there was no room for us

we went back to the hospital

i met the dr's

i was induced

the wait began

time moved by so slowly

i cried

i prayed

i yelled

i laughed

i cried more

i remember laying on my side, staring at the poster on the wall with the size chart to show how far dilated until you can birth

i remember staring at the 8 circle. the dr wanted me to dilate to 8

i remember getting checked i was only 3

more time ticked by

i remember listening to the babies that were being born. the other ladies in labour

i remember my nurses, they were so incredibly kind and thoughtful. the gave me space when i needed it, a hug when chris was not there, a smile when i was able to smile. they shared their advise when asked, they gave silence when i could not talk. they checked my blood pressure, my heart rate, my temps and my dilation with quiet support

the day came and left, a new day started

finally ben was born

i won't go into those details, not because i don't remember them but because they will open up a door that doesn't need to be opened today

i do remember the nurses waiting for my sister to come into the room. my sister was with me and she herself was pregnant. she was resting in another room. once she was there, i relied on chris and her to see the baby. before i did. i trusted them to decided if i should see him or not

i remember hearing chris choke back a sob, my sister said "oh mel"

i asked..."should i see him?"

they both said "yes"

i asked "does he look human?"

they both said "yes. he's tiny but you can see him"

they cleaned him up. wrapped him in the blanket i brought with me. chris brought him to me. i could feel the dr and nurses cleaning me up. i sat back. opened my arms and looked down

i reached my finger down to touch his tiny head, then his arms, which were crossed and folded. i touched his legs and checked to make sure he was in deed a boy. i smiled when i saw that he was. i knew that he was a boy all along. i brought him to my face, cried, then i simply held him

they were finished cleaning me up. a blanket was brought to cover me. i was cold. i held him

then i simply sang to him a song i made up on the spot. it was his name song. nate has one and ben would have 1 too.

i passed him to chris. chris spent some time with him

chris gave him back to me

i went to kiss him good bye but stopped

i did not want to kiss him good bye

my first kiss will be hello

i told him how every loved he was and how i loved having him for those wonderful weeks. i told him that he was such an unexpected, wonderful surprise and how it gave me so much hope. i told him how i love being his mommy

i passed him to chris


then asked if i could go home now

the nurses came and finished up my charts, tests and got me my clothing. i got dressed. my fav nurse from nate's delivery came and gave me a hug. not a 1 arm hug but an embrace. she told me that she can't wait to see me again. i smiled

chris took care of the deets, the funeral home and those arrangements

it was time to go home

chris wrapped his arm around me, took my bag and we walked out


the cold air hit my face as the doors opened. i looked down at the snow covered ground

as the snow crunched under my shoes in the early morning hour

i heard my thoughts say
this is not how it's suppose to be

there is no car seat

there is no baby

it's just chris and me

you can't see me

really, you can't

i came out of the bathroom and found nate like this. i asked him what he was doing. he told me "you can't see me mommy, i am hiding"

yep. can't see ya dude. not at all

this morning while dining over our cereal with milk. nate told me that the snow was gone. i asked him why is the snow gone? he said "it warms up, the snow melts, it turns into rain, rain goes into the ground...then it gets cold, then it snows, then it gets warm, then the snow goes away, then it rains. it's the seasons mommy"

haha 0 comments

my interview with nate

i found some questions yesterday to ask nate this morning. i laughed my butt off. his answers are exactly what he said. i changed nothing. some of the answers were "ouchie" but i am posting them anyways.

he also answered every question this way...e.g

1- what is something i always say to you? he would respond "1 thing my mommy would always say to me is this......."

he answered every question by repeating the question back to me, which i did not bother typing out.... haha

here we go

1. What is something mommy always says to you? do not play with knives

2. What makes you happy? a kiss and a hug

3. What makes you sad? i dunno

4. What makes you laugh? he just laughed. no response

5. How old are you? 2

6. How old is Mommy? 3

7. How old is Daddy? 4

8. What is your favorite thing to do? play in the snow

9. Who is your best friend? quinn and bebe charlotte grace

10. Where do you want to go when you grow up? Disneyworld!

11. What are you really good at? listening to music and t.v!

12. What are you not very good at? hitting, throwing toys and kicking. i'm getting better at that

13. What did you do today? play in the snow

14. What is your favorite food? noodles and sauce with a fork. not a spoon. a fork

15. What is your favorite song? oh canada!

16. What do you want for (holiday or birthday) this year? work bench!

this is funny. after he tells me he said mommy, i show you what i want. then he takes me down stairs to where we (thought well) hid nate's christmas gift, a work bench....he KNOWS where it is. haha

17. What is your favorite animal? a lion RAWARRRRRRRRRRR

18. What is love? it means i love you
then he gave me a huge hug and a wet kiss

19. What does mommy/daddy do for work? mommy- he runs to the VACUUM and says you push this and say pick up the toys! daddy- he goes to work to makes money for mommy to spend...

yep. that's what he said. i am raising him well

20. Where do you live? in oh canada, new brunswick, moncton at 32 savannah dr

21. Where is your favorite place to go? nanna and poppa's and DISNEYWORLD in florida! 4 comments
nate was busy this morning. busy making his christmas present for jesus...he called us in to show us his "birthday present for baby jesus"

yep. under ware. "nap" under wares (why i am holding on to them???) on top of his blankets. i asked him if he was giving away his blankets to jesus he said "NO! those are for ME" i asked him why are they on the table then?
then he lifted them to show me the rest of jesus's birthday present... what's hidden under the blankets? sock of course...haha. he cracks me up
i asked him this morning, what he wants for christmas. he said "a baby brother. not a sister but a brother" i asked him if a sister would be ok, he said" a babe sister? for meeee? ok...but i want a brother first" haha. keep praying kiddo (which he does btw)
and no. we are not pregnant
moving on...
i was reading an article about strengthening a child's memory and dimensional thinking so i came up with this
i cut pics out of mag's, cut them in 1/2, then glued on separate paper leaving a good 3" break
and made a memory game
"these match"
voila. the 3" or so separation is suppose to boost their thinking/memory and makes it harder than a typical memory game
he liked it. it was a bit harder for him, he did need help on a few of the pic's to put in order
best of all, it's free!

in the spirit of oprah

what are your most fav things?

mine are. in no particular order

-jammies. cozy, comfy, fleecy jammies
-my crock pot
-my bed, complete with the duvet and pillow
-my mommy outfit (tights, tight top, baggy/comfy/cosy sweater)
-my sauconys
-my kitchen aid mixer.oh how i adore you
-hanes her way socks
-travel, in any form
-ice cream, chocolate and salt on those must needed days
-fresh veggies. raw. with dip
-shopping. ha
man. i never realized how many things i love....i could go on and on.....!
what do you favor?

shoe rack unit!

nate was SO into putting the rack together
totally into this
then he put the shoes away. he actually did a GREAT job putting most of the shoes away himself
this morning, after his pit stop in the bathroom...he came running out yelling" I AM A FIGHTING MAN GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR" heehee
funny kid
i keep forgetting to post...i decided way back that i was going to be slack about nate's nap and night toilet training...wayyyyy back in september before his nap he told me that he wanted to wear his "big boy underwares" to nap...i told him he can but he has to stay dry. he had 1 accident, in jeans and never did it again :)
then a few days ago while getting ready for bed, nate told me he wanted to wear "bIg boy underwares" to bed. and he did. and there has been NO accidents!
sniff, sniff. he's a big boy now. i am SO NOT ready for this!
so far, toilet training has been one of the easiest things in this`whole parenting world! and i have a boy!
i know it's say i don't think about it would be a lie. i know that this sunday, shortly after midnight, 1 yr ago i gave birth to my second born. i held his tiny body. i peeked at his face, his toes, his little body fit into my hand. i sobbed. i sang. i held him and i let him go

i did not kiss him


my first kiss will not be a kiss of good bye
it will be a kiss of hello!

i can not wait until that day

i find my self reflecting. sadly. i know that i will play the events leading up to the horrible news in my mind

i wasn't sure how i was going to go about this week. how will i react to sunday? to wed? thurs? fri? sat? this weekend, as it was last year also is a huge weekend. it's the annual christmas at the coliseum...a craft show that i force (i bribe with food) chris to go to, then the santa parade, getting together with friends and such....really, it's the big "kick" off to christmas

same as last year

but last year it was awful. it sucked. all of it

so how in the world am i going to live this week?

i have decided that i am going to embrace it. i am going to live it. i am going to church sunday morning, to teach the kiddo's. then i am going to spend the night with my preteen girls. i will smile. i will cry. i will allow myself to grieve...

i have decided to not do anything on cake, no balloon releasing etc...

for this year. i will just embrace the pain. cry. grieve. laugh and live

i am positive that i will find many, many, many reminders...things that were packed away, items that i will find as i clean...i will cry...then choose to trust in god...even when it really hurts

as for christmas decorating, i am not sure when i will much i will do...i will just let it flow

i do have a 3 yr old who is very excited that we are decorating a tree with lights! haha...i won't spoil it for him...

it's been a yr
i am not over it
i never will be


i do know this...when i mourn, i get comfort...god really hasn't forgotten me. his ways are bigger, brighter and more wonderful than what i know...i don't know what this year will bring...good. bad. what ever. it's going to get better

i read this last night. i adore it. i am dedicating this to my son, my wonderful, amazing, incredibly special son benjamin

And to think you were midwife at my birth
setting me at my mother's breasts!
When I left the womb you cradled me;
since the moment of birth you've been my God.

*i want to clarify...god did not take my son away, god is a good god. he does not punish. i don't know why it happened and i refuse to question but i do know that god did NOT take my son. he does NOT give and take away. job said that. job. job. job! not god! :)


sassy saturday/sunday

we spent the time in the shop...chris had built a new shoe rack/bench/coat storage for the garage, to rid some of the clutter in the entry way. n-e-ways. nate and i helped him out...nate especially was quite the little helper...
please note the standingness...we did not coach nate on this...nate adores explanations. he loves to have chris show him things and explain how they work....i love the hands in the pockets of his work overalls (thanks muetti and vati!)
and again...hands in the pockets...haha love it
chris and i were working away and he heard nate banging away at his "work station" he was hammering nails into a board!
sticking his tongue out in deep concentration
got it down pat
then he shovelled the driveway
a new day, a new knight
moi with baby sweet friend has a training session today, so i am acting as a cuddle-sitter...she called during her lunch break for a chit chat and asked if i took sweet cheeks's baby chair for her to nap/sit in...i laughed at her....arms are for holding worries...she's in good hands....ha!
so there ya go. we had our first snow fall, which i hate...i hate snow....hate's cold and gross and cold!
nate woke up from his nap, looked out the window and FREAKED out. he was yelling and screaming "it's SNOW time" then he told me "daddy told me that the snow would come and it DID come!" he LOVED it. he played in it until it got dark. seriously, he loves the for me. maybe i will have chris take him out in the cold....hummmmmmm
have a great sunday everyone!


nate putting a puzzle together...looking at wee bit like his daddy....
"reading" to daddy... he read d-o-g means dog! he's actually getting quite good at reading
morning activity...while i brows the flyer's, i gave nate the toys r us flyer, a pair of scissors and a glue stick. he was to cut out all the toys he wanted, then glue them on a pc of paper to make a book...
funny story...i went to the mall with a friend this pm. when i came back he asked "mommy, where are my toys?" i asked him "what toys?" he said " the toys that i cut out of the flyer" haha he thought i was going to the mall to buy all the toys he cut out...hardly buddy boy hardly...
my little warrior!
" i am going to kill you!" hu? i asked him "what" then he said "i am going to kill you with my sword" hu? where is he getting this violence? so i asked him "what are you saying?" he said " i am going to kill you with my sword. i am david, i kill the giant"
that's it. no more bible storied for you!
and that's us in our little world

merry, merry!

i agree with the vid...surprising ain't it?! seeing as i am a shopper...i love me some good shopping but just not so much at christmas...i dunno no...just isn't right in my thinking....

chris and i stopped buying gifts for each other 3 yrs ago. i love it! nate gets stuff but we take the $ that we would have spent on us and give it to others...

*we do how ever get each other a sock. this is a MUST for me. chris must go and get me 20 bucks (tax in) worth of stuff, wrap each item and place it in my sock :)



you MUST make this! i would make it if i lived closer to you, shipping would be $$$$ YOU is this!!!!

check the deets at 0 comments


i wanted to make an advent calender for i came up with this...i thought it would be easy-peasy to make for a fake crafter like me self...ha...i think it turned out good. i will make a few changes next year for sure!

i took reg scrap book paper, cut into 3's...folded to make a mini pouch...then glued...mistake #1! next yr i will use super glue. ha. or just staple them with colored staples...i did end up stapling them all anyways, cause 1/2 of them came unglued...blah!

then i took reg foam numbers and glued them onto snow flakes...

so each day nate can open 1 envelope for a surprise

i ended up making 3 sets...there they are...all perty
some of the goodies inside
then i strung them up...i was going to put it on poster board but decided to tie them to a big old string and hang it in the kitchen...
nate helping me. having no idea what's inside the pockets!
it was fun. i am gonna make a better one next yr..not to bad for a fake crafter...ha

mitten madness!

i had a bag of clothes to get rid of/sell maybe? anyways, i love the sweater on the top left but i shrunk it in the dryer. boo. so i came up with a fun, creative way to recycle them!
i had the preteen girls make mittens with the clothing! we did it last night. i had them cut out the pattern, sew them together and voila!
my mitten from my old sweater...
sweater mittens!
i have been leading the preteen girls cell group at the church sunday nights for the past few weeks. i enjoy it. the girls are fun, chatty, catty, silly, temperamental, hormonal, emotional and entertaining....i leave exhausted. ha.
the mitten project may come across as a silly thing to do with them. there must be more spiritual things that i can bring to the table...but i have my motives....i wanted the girls to bond as a group, no cliques, no bullying, no excluding. i wanted to get their fingers busy on a order to free up their i could ask some innocent (not so much) questions, and have them open up who they really are....
i was blown away by the chatter and what they shared with i need god to show me where to go from here....
there are some real characters ladies in my preteen group!
so..l.if you peeked in and questioned the spiritual level of my mitten making would have seem girls, being girls, chatting, laughing and having fun
but in reality
i got to see the real them
never judgey a booky by the cover....ha!