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mail call

so poppy and nanny sent nate a letter. which i out in his mail box. it took him about 5 mins to see that the flag was up
he was quite excited
"mommy, yaya get the mail. not you! yaya get it, big boy!"
and slowly ripping the card open
ohhh what's that?!
it's a gift card to mcdee's. when he saw it, he yelled "macdonalds! mommy, we go to macdonalds? please?please!please. today. thank you"
then nate did some more painting...on the counter, the chair, the wall, the paper and himself!
chris took this pic. he asked nate to show him his picture. nice mug shot eh?!

today is chris's 35th birthday. i can't believe how old we are getting! we are keeping low and chilling and will celebrate it properly next week. nate and i went in to take chris to lunch, we went to a non child friendly high chairs in this place...full of main st workers, suits and such. nate did AMAZING. he was SO good. he sat and chatted, was quiet and respectful and we did not get one dirty look! ha!
happy birthday chris. i love you!!

my little artist

avoiding a morning of whinny, crying, icky cold boy. i broke out the paint and let nate go to town
that he did. he loved the paint...and i was actually cool with the mess. mess is ok when it's controlled. ha!
i asked nate to clean up his toys. he did. then he went to the chalk board and cleaned up the chalk.
so nate and i are both nursing these icky head colds. nate told me today that his head hurt and his belly was sore. how much do i love that he can tell me what's wrong! gone are the days of it his diaper? is he cold? is he hungry? thirsty? tired? sick?
we have spent most of the day resting, watching too much t.v and reading. tomorrow will be a better day!
*it's fitting that today is ben's "due" date

he knows me

you keep track of my sorrows
you have collected all my tears in your bottle
you have recorded each one in your book
ps 56:8

stop and think for a second. how many tears have you shed in your life time? from birth until now? is it even possible to remember them? what was the cause of those tears?

i don't remember why i cried or what caused me to cry. from birth until now

but jesus does. he kept track.

don't know about you but when i cry, my tears slide down my face, into a tissue, pillow, head of hair, a shirt, blanket, the back of my hand(s) then they are gone for good

jesus collected them

i may have journal ed, wrote a note, card, blog, letter, jotted down how i feel, what caused my tears, call someone or simply forget

jesus wrote down each time i cried. he saved it. he recorded it.

i mean that much to him

he knows ben too


home again!

what's the best way to feel better? why, take a shopping trip to the states! nate enjoying the head phones for his in van movie
we planned to make stops every 2.5ish hours but nate had too much juice and we made a special stop just for him

heading for the big tree
hee hee. daddy helping. when he was done he asked if he could flush. sure buddy, flush away
arriving at the hotel, chris showing nate where his mother will be for the next 2 days
we had breaky every morning at panera's. super yummie. quinn was in time out. with a bagel
the view from my window
father and son much?
when i turned off our t.v. nate went next door to visit uncle shawn
the only time ever that nate SMILED while in a mall. i had to take a photo of this
a very pregnant sister and quinn checking the amazing view
aunty and quinn
quinn is trying to talk nate into making a run for it...
home, sweet, wonderful home
i needed a break from the seriousness of life and the constant reminder of what i don't have. i am blessed beyond all i could have ever imagined but the loss of my son, esp this month has been tough. it's tough to watch all these beautiful babies be born healthy and taken home. that is reality. i did not run from it. i welcomed every new baby. i wish nothing but the wonderful blessing of sleep on the new mom's. i walked through each and every day this month. i made it.
i needed a break
i took one!
chris, myself and nate joined forces with my sis, shawn and quinn and took off to the states to rest *cough* shop. and that i did. it was great!
i got some wicked scores! like
2 pairs of saucony sneeks for 80 bucks. for BOTH pairs!
nikey crop pants for 15!
clarks sneeks for 25!
a huge bag of kids clothes from the children's place for 40 bucks
and a cold...from quinn...with love. ha
nate picked up quinn's cold and passed it to me. nate is running a constant flow from his nose and like a 2 yr old, wiping it all over his face, hands, clothes, couch, floor. ewww. i must de bug this house!
and back to life we go....the break was good

first visit of the season!

"mommy, look, DUCK!"
there was 1 duck on the lake. who was fed quite well. all 4 pieces of bread. ha.
it was be-u-t-ful this morning, so we loaded the van and made haste to the park. the first of many, many, many visits i am sure
i can not get over the difference i year can make! nate was a totally different than last year. i could not get over how vocal he was.
"mommy, i hear a noise!"
"mommy, look a squirrel, duck, bird...."
"what is that sound?"
"the squirrel is having a snack"
"the birds are singing"
"the birds live in a nest"
"the squirrels are gone. they went home"
"mommy, i hear people. they come."
"mommy, i hear a dog. he barks. he come"
"mommy, i am hungry, go home get snack and apple juice"
followed with
"mommy, yaya check mail box at home. MY mail box!"
we parked the stroller, hide it behind some trees and took off up in the "bush" (as chris calls it) i got dirty, fell, laughed and had a blast with my boy.
on the way out of the park we passed 2 police men (NOT RCMP) POLICE...anyways. nate asked who they were and i told him they were police men. then nate thought and said
"uncle shawn is a policeman. he drives in car. he has dogs."
i am taking a blog break until monday. so have a great weekend everyone!

the ban

i am actually quite easy going in the marital home. i normally am lax about oddities and analness. chris is more par to doing things a "certain" way and all

i can now add a HUGE annoyance to my list

i am now installing a ban


i have been putting up with chris's coworkers and their "curry cook off" that they have at work

no more!

i woke up this morning, i could smell bo. like bad. so i started sniffing. then i realised with utter horror that it was ME. i smelled my jammies, horror! it's there. i smell my clothes. oh no! again! it's there. my towels, bed sheets, closet! the smell of bo was bad. i could smell it on my skin! my hair! every where.

then i clued in. duh.

chris's curry cook off was yesterday and for supper, chris heated up some left overs. that. stunk up. my. house. again!!! resulting in the over powering smell of bo. nastiness in it's finest

i have put my foot down. no more curry cooking in this house

today i will be spending my day:

washing all the sheets, towels and bedding
washing clothing, jackets and dish rags
washing the floors, walls and anything else i can smell

the windows are open in an attempt to air out the house

chris, i love you but i can not stand the smell of curry. it's time to tell your buddies that the cook off is over. unless you go else where to cook it

i am now off to rid my house of this horrific stench!

* i am actually serious. i am removing the curry from the house. no more! 3 comments

mail time!

nate's new thing is the mail box. he loves to check to see if we got any. when i come back with mail i hear "yeah! mail today!" if there is no mail i hear "no mail today!"

yesterday afternoon we were reading a book and there was a mail box in it, then nate started talking about mail and how fun it is to get mail...which lead to me making him a mail box. i couldn't get a great pic of it but of well. it's a temp mail box until i can get a real one. i just made it out of scraps of paper
then i put it in front of him this morning. he was stoked. he yelled "MY MAIL BOX!!! MY MAIL" so i gave it to him, with the red flag up and all

he loved it...reaching in for him mail
tada! a jelly bean! who says it's just mail that comes to nate's mail box??? i say candy is great mail!
i plan on getting him a real box, then get chris to cut it in 1/2 and post it to the wall outside his door upstairs. i thought it will be a fun thing to do

just one of those days

sat was one of those days. you know those ones. the end of the day comes. you/i snuggle in my warm and perfect bed. pull up the sheets. close my eyes. and think "man, that was one kicking day"

sat was an awesome day from start to finish.
i know i am a few days late but whatever

sat we slept in until 8:30. then chris and i snuggled and giggled until 8:45. when nate woke up.
then we all showered (the boys in one; me in my own) i did my hair in quiet while chris occupied nate (sheer bliss) then we grabbed breaky and i discovered robin's coffee. it was delish. like * cough* almost better than tim's.

then we did the life styles show. so much fun! it was totally kid friendly. nate was able to climb on everything. they had play centers set up for the kids. chris and i took our time walking around and checking out booths and what not. we spent 2hrs there!

home for lunch. i put nate down for a nap. chris and i enjoyed a quick coffee and chat in quietness. sheer bliss. then i jumped in the car and met a friend at chapters for a coffee and chat before we hit the movies. she intro'd me to the starbucks latte. mercy! wonderful! i may just turn into one of "those" but at 4 bucks for a SMALL. it will be a treat. then we watched the funniest movie. sheer silliness and saucy. just what i needed.

then home to discover chris gone. so i quickly ran out for cream and ended up with another tub of ice cream, strawberries and grapes (the fruit was gone by sun night) mmmm ice cream

then spent the night helping chris gut out the bathroom downstairs bec fri night (as the norm...we had company over and the garburator sp???? backed up. yet again) chris oops i mean we spent the night fixing it. for good this time.

ok, i admit. i didn't help him. i took a bubble bath, read a book and did some emailing. but i was with him in spirit. honest. i did how ever support him with snacks and coffee

then i got into my wonderful pj's, threw back my amazing duvet crawled into my fab-o-los bed. closed my eyes and sighed

this has been such a fab day
why can't every day be like this??? 0 comments

weakness into strength

turning weakness into strength. (one of my most fav verses it's in heb)

after i lost ben. i took sometime off from church. i stopped going. stopped teaching. stopped socializing

i did it because i needed to heal. alone. to hear god for myself. sure it's not a common thing to do. but hey, i have never really done anything common in my life

a-n-eways back to the topic

as the 4th sunday ticked by...i knew i had to go back...chris knew and gently encouraged me to go

i was terrified to go back


people knew what had happened

i was one huge, nasty, gaping, bleeding, oozing with puss and gunk opened wound

i was open. vulnerable. weak

and everyone knew it

all my weakness, sorrow, pain and sadness was known

it's hard not being able to get pregnant

it's worse to lose your baby

everyone knows and everyone is watching

it was the hardest step i had ever walked. into the gym. down the back, to my regular seat (in the back, somethings never change)

i was weak and everyone knew it

it was the most uncomfortable feeling and at the same time the most freeing

the music started, rob and krista started to sing, i believe the song was "how great is our god" with tears pouring down my cheeks and into nathaniel's hair. i sang.

i could not care what anyone thought. i had to sing

my all over the place point is...what's wrong with showing some weakness?

once chris and i were hiking in banff and i passed this dude who had the. best. t-shirt. evah. it said

"pain is just weakness leaving your body"

how true
*above pic was taken on the hike that i saw the t-shirt

the jesus pill

i think some people think of jesus as a pill

feeling sad?

take a jesus pill

feeling lonely?

hey! have a jesus pill

feeling scared?

why, take a jesus pill

upset? need someone to blame?

the jesus pill is there

problems? no money? unhappy in your marriage?

why take a jesus pill and call me in the morning!!!

chris has taught me that my Christianity is not how i feel


my monthly visit comes. darn her *shaking fist at the sky*

my emotions change- sad, annoyed, upset, depressed, discouraged and blah

i am low, jesus is to blame. why didn't he make me pregnant?

it's his fault. if he loved me he would give me what i want

i want to feel happy

so i take a jesus pill- i read a happy verse, i sing a happy song and voila i am happy


i have a misunderstanding with a friend

now i feel heavy, sad and generally blue

what do i do???

i want to feel better!!!

so i take my jesus pill

*poof* i feel happy now!!!! yeah!!!

that is so NOT what we are suppose to be!

after i lost the babe. my life just sucked

i felt so bitter. i could actually feel the bitterness in my throat

so alone. i didn't know anyone who went through what i did. i felt SO alone. i would lay in bed and wrap my sheet around me. wanting to die. the pain was so bad

so discouraged. where are you god? where did you go? i can't feel you! are you here???

i wanted to take a jesus pill and swallow all the pain away. voila. all my pain is gone and i didn't do a dang it all thing! whee!

but chris would not let me

chris made me deal with my issues:

the bitterness. by facing it head on. forcing me to admit that i was SO angry, envious and ugly that my sister (who i adore) is pregnant and i am not. she has it so easy! why would god do this to me??? why is she living MY blessing??? why??? hello god!!!!


chris sat with me as i yelled all the ugliness out

chris held me as i bawled my guts out (not really, but close)

chris held me arms as i tried to beat the day lights out of him (i did hit him hard! he said it hurt!)

chris told me the things i did not want to admit

chris loved me and all my nastiness


he loves me so much that he wants the best for me

no pill

no quick fix for this gal

it's been a long, awful, nasty year for me. i lost my son

chris forces me to deal with life and not run. he won't let me take my jesus pill to wash the feelings away


chris and most importantly god, wants me to live in a state of a jesus pill. that no matter what happens, how i feel does not change who i am

i want to live a life that i never need to take a pill to feel better

jesus is not a pill- he's a person who loves and wants to walk through life with you/me. even when it sucks

jesus is more than a pill to take 2x's a day to feel better
rant done
*i have worked through my resentment towards my sister. i won't lie, i do get that gut icky feeling from time to time but i choose to admit it, give it to god and move on. i am thrilled that she is healthy and is having a great pregnancy. i am even more thrilled to have a niece to buy shoes for this spring

lovely idea!

i wish i saw it yesterday! i spent last night cleaning the back living room. it was being over powered with nate's toys. after i cleaned and organized his toys (i am so anal about this) i must put all the toys together. they all have a spot, a place to go and they must all be together! i must have made 10 trips to the play room, bringing up toys from downstairs.
then today on my most fav web site i saw this!
color coded baskets, you simply place the toys/what not in the colored basket for that particular room
e.g black basket-playroom
green basket-nate's room
red basket-my room

then at the end of the day, week, month you carry the basket to the room and put the stuff away. i LOVE this idea.

normally i just place things on the steps and take it up on my next trip. with the basket i can do it once a day and take more stuff with me.

awesome idea!

*this cracks me right up. those that know me well, know that i use to be a sloppy, unorganized, messy gal who NEVER made her bed let alone clean her room. chris slowly intro'd me into a world of organization. now i love having a clean (most of the time) house, it's easy if you keep up on it... 0 comments

simply delish

i adore baking. the 2 problems i seem to have are:
1- not having enough ppl to eat it before it goes bad
2-chris does not like much of what i bake (stubborn swiss, refuses to like canadian baking)

i found the following recipe but tweeted it to my specific qualifications (low fat, cal, sodium and healthy)

result? the best muffin evah! so moist it fell apart, so tasty and sweet. simply amazing

mel's super delightful bran muffin


1/2 cup raisins
1 egg
3/4 cup milk
1 1/2 cups bran cereal (such as kellogg's all-bran)
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 tablespoons melted butter
1 apple, cored and shredded (i used golden delish)
1 ripe banana, mashed
1/2 cup honey


Preheat an oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). Grease 12 muffin cups, or line with paper cupcake liners.

Cover raisins with water in a microwave-safe bowl, and microwave on High for 1 minute to plump. Drain the raisins, and set aside. (You can skip this if you want, or if your raisins are tender to begin with.)

Beat the egg with milk in a bowl, and mix in the bran cereal. Let the mixture stand until the cereal absorbs the liquid, about 5 minutes. Gently mix in the plumped raisins, flour, baking soda, cinnamon, melted butter, shredded apple, mashed banana, and honey, and stir a few times to mix.

Spoon the batter into the prepared muffin cups, and bake in the preheated oven for about 20 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center of a muffin comes out clean.

amazing. they have no sugar, no salt and little butter
try them, you will love them!

*as with most everything i bake, i threw in some flax seed 1 comments

misty visit

i some how forgot to post out misty visit from last week. nate was totally taken with this lady
so much so, that nathaniel actually got in her car (minus car seat, bad mom, bad mom) and went for a ride around the neighbourhood. he loved it. nate actually, left the house, waved good bye and took off. sniff, sniff

he had a blast. and didn't miss me at all. is this what it's like to have them grow up and leave you?

whee dirt!

perfect timing. yesterday. 1:30 pm. nap time. BANG! BANG! BANG! goes the back of the dump truck lid, as is slammed shut and waking my "no nap today nate" up...chris was able to talk the developers of the houses that are being build down the road to "deposit the dirt that they don't need" in our back yard. for free. snap, snap to chris! you saved us over a grand baby! (which i will spend next week for sure) haha

nate was totally taken with the whole process. he pulled up a chair and gave me a running commentary of everything they did

"look mommy, dirt!"
"dirt in big truck"
"bang! mommy bang!"
"that truck brings more dirt"

good times, good times
then super cool and super fun daddy came home and took nate to where the action was going on

wheee free dirt!
we even got 3 loads delivered to the front!
we had to redo the front lawn anyways. once the sidewalk was put in last year, it caused a good 2 feet difference from the sidewalk to the grass. we had budgeted for approxy 3 loads to the front plus the back. chris was able to save us some good $! thanks chris!
i have no clue what to do with the back yard. i know i want sections e.g
play area with a sand box
sitting area with (dreaming) a swing
a fire pit
something for ben, flowers, a tree, something
a veggie garden
and lots of flowers and trees!
for the front i would love to have flower beds, a mini flower garden in the front, a crying tree (i think they are called willow trees) and my biggest, dreamiest, would love to have, please make it happen chris! flower boxes in front of all the windows with REAL flowers...that i can change every year...bec i change every year...haha
enough dreaming. back to reality. laundry and what not!

my weakness

i have a problem

ice cream

why is it so creamy, so yummy, so soft and silky as it slips down my throat, leaving a trail of splendid flavors for me to savor?

seriously, i need help. i think my ice cream addiction has gone on long enough...

mmmm maybe i will get help after i finish this bowl first...can not waste.... 0 comments

ps 37:23-24

the steps of the godly are directed

he delights in every detail of their lives
though they stumble, they will not fall

the lord holds them by their hands
nathaniel walked beside me through the parking lot this morning on our way into church
as we walked into the building, head straight ahead, no words were used, he reached up and took my hand
he knew my hand would be there, he took it and held it until he felt safe and secure
he left go, assured that all things were ok, and ran off to find his friend(s)...(noah)

how amazingly, wonderful and fun that god does that with me too! and he delights in my life! all the silly, fun, ongoings that i care about and no one else does. he delights in them! how wonderful-cool is that!!!


green and white tears

Green and White Tears

As the rain tears down over the calm morning skies

All seemed fine high up the heavens

Wrought Iron gates open on this unusually sunny day

As a whirlwind of innocence was welcomed un-expectantly

Before there where questions without answers

As now there are Dreams and Pain in plentiful prayers

And tears so deep that they leave you breathless

And yet those questions are still unanswered

Because long before those Green and White tears

Questions did not have answers

And those answers did not have Faith

For it is Faith that made the weak strong

Strong even as you have no strength in your legs

As you collapse on floor in Green and White tears

A tree with no roots can be lifted

But as Ben is still around us all our roots are growing strong

Life outside our senses exists as Ben grows into a Man

Waiting ever so patiently to say “Mom, Dad! I love you”

“Mom, Dad, keep the faith” “Mom, Dad, I still need you”

Need you to be strong in faith, need you to be strong in love

Need you to be strong in life for one day we shall meet.

Mom, Dad, I can still see you, even when you can’t see me

Mom, Dad, rejoice for now, because if you ever knew…

Ever knew what I see now, ever knew and wondered how

Ever knew for what is to come as Faith ties our roots together

Patience is a painful thing to learn when seconds feels like days

Time moves at standstill when your lives suddenly come to a halt

Life exists outside your house when at times it’s all you see

The mourning walls will become clearer through time

As the memories fade to dreams made possible through faith

Faith is the cornerstone of blessing and the longer you wait

The bigger the impact of your reunion will be

So as this leave fell off that tree it dripped a Green and White tear

And one day that leaf will hit the ground but it will be gently caught

In a Green and White Tear.

Love you all,
Jon Carroll
April 9, 2010

37 weeks

in my room. on my fire place. sits a bunny bag
ben was not forgotten this easter. my parents brought a gift for him. my dad wrote his name on the bag. there is something special when you see your father's hand writing. such a simple way to reach out to your daughter. it brought me to tears

my ring arrived. i ordered a ring in memory of ben. my birthstone is peridot, it's in the shape of a tear, the tear points down. chris's birthstone is diamond. he is in the middle. ben's birthstone is citron, which points towards my heart
it does bring me comfort to look down and see it. it does not stop the pain. i wish it would.
the time is here. although my due date was april 27, chris's birthday is the 28. the goal was to get me to 36 weeks and have a planned section during week 37. most likely ben would have been born this week
this morning i read this success often rises out of ashes how quaint. how true
i read one of my fav verses this morning

Because of their faith they took over kingdoms. They ruled fairly. They received the blessings God had promised. They shut the mouths of lions. They put out great fires. They escaped being killed by the sword. Their weakness was turned to strength. They became powerful in battle. They beat back armies from other countries heb 11:33-34
going through all this will make me stronger
i have to walk through the next few weeks. i have to keep going. as much as i want to crawl into my bed, toss the covers over my head, go numb and choose not to feel. i can't. life goes on