the jesus pill

i think some people think of jesus as a pill

feeling sad?

take a jesus pill

feeling lonely?

hey! have a jesus pill

feeling scared?

why, take a jesus pill

upset? need someone to blame?

the jesus pill is there

problems? no money? unhappy in your marriage?

why take a jesus pill and call me in the morning!!!

chris has taught me that my Christianity is not how i feel

example-

my monthly visit comes. darn her *shaking fist at the sky*

my emotions change- sad, annoyed, upset, depressed, discouraged and blah

i am low, jesus is to blame. why didn't he make me pregnant?

it's his fault. if he loved me he would give me what i want

i want to feel happy

so i take a jesus pill- i read a happy verse, i sing a happy song and voila i am happy

until...

i have a misunderstanding with a friend

now i feel heavy, sad and generally blue

what do i do???

i want to feel better!!!

so i take my jesus pill

*poof* i feel happy now!!!! yeah!!!

that is so NOT what we are suppose to be!

after i lost the babe. my life just sucked

i felt so bitter. i could actually feel the bitterness in my throat

so alone. i didn't know anyone who went through what i did. i felt SO alone. i would lay in bed and wrap my sheet around me. wanting to die. the pain was so bad

so discouraged. where are you god? where did you go? i can't feel you! are you here???

i wanted to take a jesus pill and swallow all the pain away. voila. all my pain is gone and i didn't do a dang it all thing! whee!

but chris would not let me

chris made me deal with my issues:

the bitterness. by facing it head on. forcing me to admit that i was SO angry, envious and ugly that my sister (who i adore) is pregnant and i am not. she has it so easy! why would god do this to me??? why is she living MY blessing??? why??? hello god!!!!

I WANT MY JESUS PILL

chris sat with me as i yelled all the ugliness out

chris held me as i bawled my guts out (not really, but close)

chris held me arms as i tried to beat the day lights out of him (i did hit him hard! he said it hurt!)

chris told me the things i did not want to admit

chris loved me and all my nastiness

why?

he loves me so much that he wants the best for me

no pill

no quick fix for this gal

it's been a long, awful, nasty year for me. i lost my son

chris forces me to deal with life and not run. he won't let me take my jesus pill to wash the feelings away

instead

chris and most importantly god, wants me to live in a state of a jesus pill. that no matter what happens, how i feel does not change who i am

i want to live a life that i never need to take a pill to feel better

jesus is not a pill- he's a person who loves and wants to walk through life with you/me. even when it sucks

jesus is more than a pill to take 2x's a day to feel better

rant done

*i have worked through my resentment towards my sister. i won't lie, i do get that gut icky feeling from time to time but i choose to admit it, give it to god and move on. i am thrilled that she is healthy and is having a great pregnancy. i am even more thrilled to have a niece to buy shoes for this spring

Posted by mel at 12:57 PM