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happy news

to everything there is a season

a time to mourn

a time to dance

a time to laugh

a time to create

life goes on, as much as i want it to stop for a bit. it won't

this blog entry has taken me over 4 weeks to write. a long time ago i told god that i would never serve him with a bad heart. i won't do something on the outside with a smile but on the inside i am really ugly (angry, bitter, jealous etc) and because of that i did not post this happy news

what happy news?

i am going to be an aunty again!!! my sister is pregnant with her second child, due this june.

for weeks i have struggled with anger, resentment, hurt, frustration and many shades of that ugly green. don't misunderstand, i am super happy for her and shawn. i hurt because she has what i long for

as little girls, we would dream up our future. we would live in houses beside each other, marry in a double wedding, we would be pregnant together, i would have lots of kiddo's she would have her 2 boys, cry would go to work and i would look after her kids for her, we would grow old in our houses beside each other and after our husbands die (how morbid) we would be old ladies, rocking in our rockers on our front steps. always best friends

over the years we have had our share of challenges, that's for sure. this is one huge, megga, "i have no idea how i will truly be happy for her" challenge for me

without going into details, chris and i were desperately (ok not so much him, more like moi) trying to get pregnant with nate. it was one of the hardest times in my life. i always thought (and was told) that getting pregnant was SO easy. no worries, our family is a clan of breeders...when this did not happen, i was shaken to the core. it was the darkest time in my life.

imagine my utter delight to discover that we were FINALLY pregnant with nate. i was beyond ecstatic with excitement and joy. FINALLY! then i discovered that my sister was also pregnant. it was a blow. i was stunned. the hardest part to "get over" was the "it took 1 time" and bang, she's pregnant, exactly 1 week BEFORE me.

i remember telling chris that god knew cry was pregnant and showing his mercy, i conceived 7 days later. i felt that god knew i would not be able to deal with not having a baby, while my sister did. god knew my limit. he knew it would put me over the edge. and with his mercy, i also become pregnant.

those words came back to haunt me a few weeks ago. here i am. my sister is pregnant, again with 1 try but this time i am not. i lost my baby.

how can i get through this? this green mountain is just to big for me to climb. i can't go around it. i have to go over it. i can't do it alone.

but i am not alone. god's with me. each day the pain is getting less. i still mourn for my baby. i will never forget him. ever

today, i was able to feel happiness through my tears

i also know that this mountain is still there, i am not over it yet. it's taking a lot of work to get over my jealousy and envy. but with god on my side and chris kicking my butt, i know i will

today i am delighted to announce that my sister is having a baby!


another day

Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own

Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he's the one who will keep you on track

Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life

Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best

Dear friend, guard Clear Thinking and Common Sense with your life;
don't for a minute lose sight of them

They'll keep your soul alive and well,
they'll keep you fit and attractive
You'll travel safely,
you'll neither tire nor trip

You'll take afternoon naps without a worry,
you'll enjoy a good night's sleep

No need to panic over alarms or surprises,
or predictions that doomsday's just around the corner
Because God will be right there with you, he'll keep you safe and sound

Wise living gets rewarded with honor; stupid living gets the booby prize

proverbs 3

how cool is that! i read this last night, it's a modern english translation. i love it!

i have been asked often how i sleep. i get asked this a lot. like almost daily. i was given a prescription for relaxers from the hospital but i only used them for maybe 3 nights. then i simply went to bed. and slept. every night. all night. i know it's only god. totally and completely. now if only i could take naps! ha

man, i really don't want to be stupid and get that booby prize. ha

*sorry about the lack of pics, i have no lap top...hint, hint....

bawahhh 0 comments

it's over

it's over
i am so sad
i was unable to say a proper good bye
oh how i will miss you
my precious lap top
i will see you on the other side
seriously, my lap top died. chris was working on it last night and he came to bed, super sad and all grim. then he said "mel, i have to tell you something" i was thinking...what could be wrong??? then he said those awful words "i got the black screen of death on your lap top"
i had NO idea how much i rely on that 1,000 pound, older than my father lap top! i felt so lost today. so out of touch with everyone, so sad
chris, being the stubborn swiss that he is, insists on "working" on it tonight, he is determined to bring it back to life...i personally think he likes the challenge....or that he is tired of me calling him all day, about my lack of a lap top
i am picture less, recipe less, money tracking, fun fact finding and everything i put away (like everything) on that old lap top is GONE....sob, sob..i wanted to bake cookies today and couldn't use my fav recipes...i had to dig out my *gasp* cook book!
har-har. crossing fingers and toes that chris will fix it!!

3 weeks pp

3 weeks already


it amazes me, the feelings, the emotions, the pain and the sorrow. some days i can't believe it's over.

what amazes me even more is the love, support, calls, emails, prayers and over all reaching out i have received. what shocks me the most is this...i have received the most support from people who i thought would support me the least!

my wonderful father in law sent me a note from someone who he knows who is also going through a rough time. it said the following (it's long and i did add and change a few words around)

"do not be sad, for the suffering you see, it unlocks the love in people's heart. look at how people come together, drop their differences and show love and compassion for those who suffer. all their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep this love locked up in their hearts and don't share it. they are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt....those who are always to busy, find time. many begin new spiritual journeys, some regain their lost faith, many come back to god. (parents hug their kids tighter (oh now nate will testify to this!!). friends and family grow closer and spend more time together (chris will also testify to that!). old friends get together (ohh the "old" friends who have contacted me, blows me away) new friendships are made (than you, new friends!). distant families are reunited (again, aunts that i haven't spoken to in yrs have written to me, thank you!) everyone begins to pray. peace and love begins to reign."

i have my moments. i cry daily. not for long, i won't let myself fall into depression. i miss ben. i have many challenges a head, i know there will be some tough days

my body is slowly returning to normal. with out going into the nasty deets. my body did everything it should do when you have a baby. i had milk supplies with nate, but baby! i could have fed ben for years! the milk has finally dried up, the bloating is going down, i can now get into 2 pairs of's great to switch back and forth...ha!

the most surprising deets was the ppd! i had ppd with naters. it started a few days ago. it was nothing but horrific in every aspect! chris has been a dream, he holds me as i cry the clouds away, he lets me talk until my throat is dry (and trust me that can take a long time) he's the best. it's also a sign that the hormones are settling down and will return to normal soon!

for those ubber religious folks, ppd is real. it's nothing to mess with. it can do megga damage if not treated properly! pray all ya want but until the hormones settle and do what god made them to do, it can be ugly!

i have much to be thankful for, i have good things ahead. with chris at my side and god in control, i can get through this! 4 comments

nate's "auntie"

aunty jess aka "gus" makes these amazing cookies which nate calls his "aunties" he asks for them all.the.time! he was delighted to eat his mini wedding cake from gus's wedding. thanks aunty, for the aunty!


shhhhh it's a secret..... one knows.....we snuck out of the house early this am, in a snow storm and icky, icy roads to drive up north....
ohh lalala why is jess wearing white and looking so perty?
because today is her WEDDING DAY! jon and jess decided to "just do it already!" in perfect j&j style by having a secret, surprise, spontaneous wedding!
dad, mom, cry, quinn, naters, jess's mom and step dad, naters and moi were the only ones in attendance. it was perfect. totally their day, their way!
they got hitched at their church, in the middle of no-where-northern n.b- they have this amazingly fabulous church with the most wonderful pastor! the ceremony was ultra relaxed mixed with lots of tears, love and joy...and 2 little boisterous boys...who shared their love all through the ceremony...more on that later
jess's lovley and perfect hair piece (how did her mom find it on super, short notice?)
jess taking her last sip of the bubbly before heading to the church
nate chilling on the steps, he wanted the best seat in the house
jess reading her vows, which were beyond amazing...jon wrote his as well
nate got tired and took a rest...
what's a wedding with out your adorable nefew running up to give you a the middle of the ceremony
quinn decided to share his love too
nate had to give another round of hugs
seal the deal baby (jess, love the hand placement)
evidence that i was there
trying to get a pic with the boys...
my camera decided to play fickle with me and my pics turned out simply gross and unusable. i will bug a copy of my sis's and parent's pics for my albums...
all in all it was a fabo day. i am thrilled for j&j, i am SO glad that jess is my "official" sis, she is wonderful (i prayed jon would marry a gal i loved...he scared me for a while, with those other girls. ha)
they plan on having a "proper" ceremony next year, with a whole wedding and reception. honestly, what's most, super important is that they found each other (and that i like her) and they got hitched...their way!
i love you guys. many blessing, love and kiddos's (the human kind, no more pets) thank you for allowing us "in" on your special day!
dad carrying 2 tired, hungry boys back to the house

basement pics

media room is done (not the final, fem, fun touches ha) note the step up
the screen (could you believe i tried to get the darn pic centred but for the life of me could not!)
the (loathed by chris ) "aqua" room. i love this room! so bright! so fun! it's the spare/guest room/mel's (and chris bawahhh) work out room. that would be why i wanted it a happy color. happy color in the midst of pain, agony and suffering. i have a love/hate relationship with my treadmill. love the result, hate the pain. ha
long shot of the room. chris is putting down the carpet as i type
nate expressing his joy with the color
nate in the bath. the bath room is done, the toilet, tub/shower/sink is to nate's right. i haven't put the final touches in the room yet
i guess it's good that chris works his grief out with putting his hands to work. he is almost done down there. there is just his office left (and the storage room)
us update: we are good. i went out last night, the 1st time since ben. i went to a flick with a friend. it was great. the movie was actually, surprisingly great, the chatter was encouraging. it was a great way to slowly enter back into "life" again. baby step, baby step
nate funny.
chris brought me a coffee this morning. he said that nate told him "coffee too high for yaya (nate), daddy make coffee, bring to mommy, upstairs" nate wanted to make me a coffee but the coffee machine was too high, so he got chris to make one and bring it to me. that's my boy(s) treating me right!
i have also decided that i will do my christmas baking in january or june, when ever i feel like it. i just don't have the desire to do any so i put all the stuff away until i am good and ready!

christmas pics

merry christmas everyone!
the shot we sent out...with some photo removing the stuff and having a clear back ground

nate posed himself in this pic. he plopped on the floor (protesting? ) we jumped on him and voila. family pic with everyone looking at the camera and smiling!

i liked this pic, but chris's leg is in the way

we haven't had a chance to get the family christmas card photo done yet. so, i made chris and nate dress up yesterday and take a chance with taking our own pics...self timer on the camera and lindt chocolate to bribe nate to smile at the camera and voila. family pic's. i think they turned out better than the professional ones we had taken in the fall
so check your mail boxes next week for the annual family pic. ha.
*chris photo shopped all the back ground stuff out of the pics, self timer only allows 9 second to get settled, and nate gave us 10 mins to snap away before he declared he was hungry and wanted more food



one word. so powerful

yesterday, i spoke with a kind, sweet lady, a fellow mother of 5 kids. yes, 5. she made this statement

"surely, you don't feel guilty?"


why, yes i do. i know in my head that there is little to no chance that i did anything wrong regards to ben.

my heart says otherwise

i had to have done something. not eat enough veggies, not work out, not sleep enough, not rest enough, something, anything. it has to be my fault. there has to be a reason. an answer. something. anything.

guilt is a part of this whole grieving process. i must confront this guilt thing.

when i am vulnerable (which i am right now) that redic dude from down below is wanting to prey on my make it even worse he claws the open the wound with agonizing thoughts of guilt and condemnation for what i may have done or not done

guilt can bring me to my knees or it can separate me from god. sure, i know there is no condemnation in head knows this but my heart is struggling...

today i am facing this guilt. alone. it's scary. to speak what's on my heart, to put it out there. that way i can tell god what i am really feeling (cause duh, he already knows) and deal with it.

maybe guilt is a good thing, it can serve a purpose. to bring me closer to god

a friend told me last week that i am lucky to have god on my side...he tends to heal the brokenhearted a wee bit faster

i am lucky to know him

nothing can separate me from his love, this i know 4 comments

snow and more snow

i asked nate to put his horse away. good job buddy!

today is the first real snow fall. nate loved it! he woke up and saw the snow and said "put on boots. put on hat. put on jacket. play outside in snow"

while nate played away, i shoveled away

and just as i finished, chris showed up with the snow blower

i asked nate what he thought of the snow. his smile gives away his answer!

*sorry about the messy pic's blogger is a nighmare to work with this afternoon


christmas stuff

slowly i am getting the christmas decor done... the tree took 2 days to put up, i put little work into it this year

ben's mitt's and the swiss chocolate, yes, i adorn my tree with various kinds of swiss chocolate (this year you will find it up high)

our christmas socks

chris and i have bought the sears holiday bear every year since our first married christmas. i out them in the basket and when i came back there was something extra special added....thanks nate

the tree, not lit up or anything with ben's mitts


the couple

when i was in beauty school, fridays were nicknamed "old, lady-roller day" which could be taken as a negative description but in all honesty, it was coined in fun and was a day i enjoyed
fridays were willed with older ladies who came for their weekly, wash and set. they were fun. these ladies were quite entertaining and listening to their gossip (not that they would admit to that) gave us younger gal's stuff to giggle about all week
i had my regulars. jill had her's. each friday morning, an old beat up maroon oldsmobile would pull up, an older gent would get out, walk around the car, open the door to his lady. he would walk her to the shop door, open it for her (while balancing both their cain's and equally old bodies) , take her to her chair, wink at her on the way out, reminding her he will be back in a few hours. he always wore a tweed jacket, with pockets on the elbow, a top hat and cain.
and in a few hours he would come back, pay for her hair. walk to her chair, kiss her on her cheek while proclaiming to everyone in his shaky with age voice, how she is the most beautiful lady in the world and how lovely she looked. he always made a big deal over her. he would then, walk her to the car, opening the door to set her in, walk around. take off his hat and wave bye to us girls...who would be watching the whole thing with wonder and awe
fall turned into winter and winter into the spring. one beautiful spring friday morning, the couple did not show up. we chalk it up as being forgetful. the next friday came. up pulled that old maroon car. out came the gent with the tweed jacket with the patch over the elbow. breaking all routine he came to the shop door. alone.
off came his hat. in a quiet voice he explained that his misses had passed away. he found himself that friday morning, waking, dressing, getting into the car and driving to the shop. he muttered that he felt lost and all over the place. trying to find a new, new, he found himself going back to what he use to do...finding a new path is hard to do
i understand how he feels. finding a new, new is hard to do

card and cookies

jess (jon's gal) made these amazing cookies for her baking biz. she gave me and nate one. nate loves his. he ate it all. he calls it his "aunty" and asks me for an "aunty" at least 3 times a day! great job jess!!
the card
i found it while cleaning
it's time for the person who slid it under nate's change pad when he was about 2 wks old to fess up! who did it? i have always wondered. i have kept it (ok, i kept all his cards) but the time has come to come clean.
who did it???


pizza for breaky


so this morning, nate went down stairs and spotted the tile boxes and proudly declared to chris

"daddy, pappa ordered pizza! yum...yummm...yummmm! pizza!" while patting his belly

cute boy

ben has finished his tests and autopsy at the iwk in halifax and is back in moncton, at the funeral home. he was to be cremated this afternoon.

it's funny the odd thoughts that i have now. like heaven. ben's there, but will he grow? or will he stay an infant? without going into a long winded blog on what i believe in regarding rapture, heaven and the after life. i was talking to chris about this a few nights ago. chris thinks that when we join ben he will be a grown boy, perfect in every form. i on the other hand, as his mom, i think that he will stay an infant. actually i asked god to have mr. power watch over him until i can get there. so when i arrive, i will have my baby and i will watch him grow. silly huh. i can't wait to get there and find out. it gives me much comfort knowing that ben is with jesus...and gets to hang with mr.power

today i had a rough start. many tears. much anger, even more frustration and general miserableness (is that even a word??) i took nate to the park, which turned into a disaster. i was feeling quite low. low and behold, the door rings just before lunch and there was a lovely friend who showed up with yummy chili, the most amazing cookies!! and a hug. total spirit lift.

i went for a walk, for the first time. i made myself walk my "pregnancy" route (1/2 hr, vs the normal hr) it took me 40 mins. i cried. i smiled. i talked to god. i felt better.

i then started tearing my front living room apart. cleaning, organizing, opening photo albums, reminding me of how much i have. cleaning makes me feel better. it's a mixture of the physical work, keeping my mind busy and my thoughts on the task (oh, my chris would be proud) the room is almost ready for the tree. when i am ready to put it up

that's the key. i have no schedule. i will heal when i am ready. as long as i am moving forward. there is comfort in knowing that god has a plan for me and this is just a tiny bump in the road

i read a paragraph in one of the books the hospital gave me. i stick mostly to the good book but this one paragraph really spoke to my heart. it said something like this (i changed it to make it lineup with what i believe)

a miscarriage is a sad, disappointing experience. it is attitude not the circumstance that determines what my life will be. i can use my miscarriage/still birth to be come more sensitive to others who are experiencing grief in any form...i pray that god will use me, as much as i would rather just skip this whole thing and pretend it never happened...that good will come from it

forgot to add

some people have asked what happened or why. we don't have any confirmed reason of death but there this scenario is what is lead to believe to what has happened. we won't know until the tests are done.

there is speculation that i somehow picked up a viral infection around the 13 week. i was strong to fight it off but over time, the virus was passed on to the baby, through my placenta, which would lead to believe that it was compromised. around week 15 the virus was passed onto to the baby, who was not strong enough to fight it off. he stopped growing at 15 weeks. personally, i feel that he passed away the fri night i was awoke from my sleep with his movements. this is again, a theory. we will find out soon what condition my cervix/uterus and or what damage is done.

i just figured that the eig's would want to know this info to add to their charts to determine what exactly happened. ha. i am allowed to tease them, it makes me giggle. ha. 0 comments

a new day

good thing nate was around today. all his animals were fed quite well

it's been 3 days. they say the 3rd day is the worst, due to the hormones and such. i am glad yesterday is over. it was a bad day

the physical part is over, the labour and birth. not knowing what i was going to be going through and having nothing to prepare me for it.

my world has been thrown off balance and there is nothing i can do to change it. nothing. feeling powerless, out of control. thoughts of "i still can't believe this is really happening to me" i can't.

i felt connected to this wee one. the pregnancy was so different from nate's and i loved that. ben was real to me, and to me alone. i loved hogging him to myself, talking to him, taking walks with him and dreaming up his future, praying for him/over him...wondering what this one was going to do for god. i enjoyed this pregnancy so much

i remembered feeling so shocked that we conceived. i remember looking at the tiny that you had to hold it to the light and see it....line and thinking "my life is going to change big time" and a tiny smirk came to my lips. it was my secret. then i went to get chris

i remember making plans and changes to my future. all of a sudden "my" plans were gone. now i was going on a different, better path. another child was going to fill my home with more laughter. i ache for a home filled with children.

it's quite strange this whole grieving thing, it's new to me. this is really my first "real" encounter with death. there are so many levels, so many stages, so many strange things that they call "normal", like forgetting what i was saying, what i was doing, forgetting how to spell! my attention span is short, but now it's even shorter...but i guess it's all normal

i have never been a list person, but i have taken to making them to get me through the day. my mat clothes are gone, packed away. my reg clothes now fill my closet, but i am unable to wear them, my belly has not gone down enough and i have resorted to sweat pants and chris's sweat shirt

i have a box for ben's things. as i find items, i tuck them away. i found his ultrasound reminder that was supposed to take place yesterday

i am now working on rewriting my life, my future. there will be no baby this spring, no need to rush on the nursery, no need to complete tasks to have everything ready. i put my pregnancy books and name book/lists away.

i struggle to come to terms with all this but i do know that i will heal. 1 comments


benjamin (still working on a middle name) eigenheer was born sat morning at 0:42 am. he was 56 grams, with 10 tiny toes, 8 fingers and 2 thumbs, arms, legs, eyes, ears, my lips, chris's chin and feet, ben has long nails like me and soft hair on his head. ben’s tiny arms were crossed, in a pray like position

ben is now at tuttle brother's funeral home, where they will take care of my son. he will be having an autopsy done, then sent for testing to try and figure out why he died. i have already started my rounds of testing. ben will be cremated and the funeral home will hold his remains until we know where to go from here. there will be no public funeral or memorial service at my wishes.

the long story...

*i know that the eig's adore lavished details and i will try by best to do that.

it's sunday morning, my rest aid wore off a few hours ago, giving me some quiet time in the early morning before the boys wake up. i brewed my java, snacking on breakfast cookies and feel the need to write.


my family arrived. i spent the day loving the boys, hanging with my sis and having convo's full of pregnancy fun and not so fun stuff.

wed night after supper, i went to get ready to teach the kids, i started to spot I went and told chris

we decided to go to the hospital to have it checked out

hospital- after walking through a crowd of coughing, hacking, sick people. the room was so incredibly oppressive and dark, i was registered and sent to a private clean waiting area. chris and i made plans for the future of our family and enjoyed just being alone.

saw the dr. checked the cervix, closed nice and tight. spent 40 mins trying to find a heartbeat. nothing was found.

resident dr was called in. it was my reg prenatal dr. what an amazing lady she is. went over my options.

- rh factor. chris and i have opposite blood types and my blood could be mixing with the babes, need to get my shot. no problem to fix
- my cervix or placenta has been compromised. only an ultrasound will show this and how to proceed
- slight chance the baby had died. very small chance

the dr then spent another 45 mins trying to locate the heartbeat. again, nothing was found. we left the hospital to come back on thursday for an ultrasound


spent the morning with my fam and sis. chris came to pick me up, went to the ultrasound. got dressed, waited among the sea of pregnant ladies in the waiting room

my name was called. In to the ultrasound room i go. it's cold, and dark. not normal. i meet the tec, who immediately explains that this is an emergency ultrasound and she can not, nor will talk, or answer qestions. she will take measurements , send them to the lab, then we will go back up to the prenatal clinic to meet with the dr

the u/s screen was turned but not enough that I could not peek. i saw what i needed to see. shock slowly began to enter my body, still trying to remain hopeful, but feeling the dread start.

i got dressed in silence, walked out of the change room not speaking, locating chris in the waiting room, i took his hand, walked a few feet and asked him

"what are your thoughts"
he said " what are yours?"
looking down, always down, i saw the red, black and green dots on the floor as we walked over then, i said " we lost the baby"

not another word was spoken. we made it to the clinic, sat in the full waiting room of very pregnant ladies. some i knew, some i don't. to those i know, i apologize for not returning your smile or your warm greeting of hello.

after 30 mins, which felt like 3 hours, we were called to the room the meet the dr. a new dr. after she read my chart, she excused her self. then came back.
she sat down, opened my chart
i stared at the wall

i hear the words i will never forget

"it's never easy to say this, and by seeing the looks on your faces, you already know. i am so, so sorry, we don't know why or how but the baby stopped growing at 15 wks"

i turned and put my deaf hear up (it's handy to be deaf you know) and cried on chris's shoulder. he was told of all the options. the dr left. we were given some time to make our decision

the options were
1- self abortion (these are the medical's terms not mine) go home, go into labor and deliver the baby on your own, then come o the hospital to deliver the placenta

2-d&c have the gyno scrap your baby out with a knife, abortion style. not a chance in hell

3- be induced, go into labor and deliver the baby and placenta at the hospital under medical watch

i chose 3. we were booked in for fri morning 7 am

thursday night was spent crying, begging god for a word to get through tomorrow, tears and talk


i slept approxy 2 hrs, hit the shower and mixed the water with my tears. got dressed, packed my bag and went to get checked in.

due to the shortage of staff and an emerg c-section we were sent some to come back at 12. we met the obgyn who would be inducing me. what a sweet man. so kind, so gentle, so caring. he sat on my bed and rubbed my legs when i cried. i was a person, not a case. so grateful for him

went home. i slept for an hour. left for the hospital for 12

at 12:30 the first round of induction was done. my sister joined me, the hospital made a special exception in the 1 visitor person rule (because of H1N1). i met my day nurse. she was my night nurse when i was in labor with nate. she remembered us, and could not believe that we would meet again under similar circumstances. she was sent by god to be with me.

4:30-checked the cervix, tight and closed. the induction is not working, another round was given to me

7:00- i am tired. i feel spent in every way. there is nothing to do while you wait to deliver your dead baby. nothing can prepare you for it, your whole body is bracing for the shock and all you have is time

7:15-my sis leaves to put her boy to bed

7:30- contractions start. well, they had stared around 2, but i wasn't counting them. to me a contraction makes you stop talking and gasp for air.

7:40-i am checked. nothing, the induction is not working. we start to go over my options. they are not good options

8- nurse change over. i was laying on my side, listening to my ipod. i asked god to please start the labor. 5 mins later, bang. my water breaks. i told chris, he gets the nurses. they get me up to clean the mess. normally the water is clear. mine was blood. i stood up, blood everywhere, i feel a nurse pass me a towel to clean up the blood that is running down my legs. i sit. i tell chris that i am going to pass out now. and i did. my body went into shock

i woke up to greet my new nurses, to an i.v and full blown contractions. i am in hard labour now

to my utter delight, i was greeted by my most favorite nurse when i had nate! she was the one who really helped me, let me cry and was so supportive. god sent her to me again. and again, she knew who i was.

9:00 hard contractions are still back to back. i get checked. cervix is solid, closed and the induction is not working. due to my c-section with nate, i was not allowed to receive anymore doses that night. the plan was to admit me over night and start the whole process over in the morning. another day of waiting.

i cried to god, i was mad, i was frustrated, i quotes scripture, then i cried some more. i came to the peace (as best as I can at this point) that losing the baby was one thing, i will heal from it, but going through another day of pain and torture and agony was not god's best for me and as his daughter i wanted better...

9:30 my wonderful nurse came in. she her, self called the dr and convinced him that he must come up with a new plan. sometimes men need to not look at the facts but look at the person. he agreed to start another round on induction at 12 but it had to be orally. which is much slower. i was then given a sleep aid, and after talking to my wise sister a shot of pain killer, to take the edge off the contractions so i could sleep.

10:00- calm and tired i went to sleep. chris at my feet and my sister next door. the nurses took such great care of her

12:00- was given my 3rd dose of induction. i rolled over on my side. closed my eyes and asked god to allow me to deliver soon. the next 30 mins i thought of quinn and his personality, how he is such a joy to have in our family, then i though of nate and how special he is to me and how he will help me get through this with his own little personality.

12:30 i had a strong, painful contraction, i held my breath and called for chris, then another one hit, then he 3rd. i cried to chris to get up, then literally a second went by and i felt the urge to push. i told chris the baby is coming.

chris got the nurses, the nurses got my sister. i told them i delivered the baby. the nurses did not start the procedure until my sister was there.

then they lifted the sheets, called the dr. chris then cut the cord, the baby was cleaned up, my sister and chris both saw him. they wrapped him up and brought him to me. they told me it was a boy (which i can now say I TOLD YOU SO!) i held him, cried, touched him, saw his perfectly formed body. i sang him his name song (i make up songs to nate about his name and he has to have one too!) i said my good bye's and gave him to chris

my sister bend down and kissed my head. i felt her tears through her hair. she would not want me to see her cry

chris then took care of the deets. baby ben is at tuttle's funeral home where he will be cremated after his autopsy and testing. the funeral home will hold his tiny remains until chris and i decided what we want to do. there will be no funeral or public burial

no one knows why this happened, or when the baby died or how he died. no one knows if it will happen again or if we can have another one. in a few weeks i will start more tests, some for the inside, to see how much damage my cervix has, or if there is something greater that is wrong. maybe we can get some answers.

to those who do not know. this is not my first miscarriage. i have had 2 this year alone, well 3 actually. i just never dreamed that it could happen at 18 (almost) 19 weeks. i was told i was safe.

i don't know why it happened
i don't know what i need to do to heal
i don't know how i will heal
i don't know what to say
i don't know when the pain will go away
i don't know when the sun will shine on me again
i do know that i am loved
i know that god is still there, this is not his fault
i know that god will walk with me through this
i know that it's ok to get mad, angry, yell and cry
i know that i will stand one day and see god's greatness in the living
i know that chris adores me, when i hurt he hurts
i know chris is so incredibly for me and on my side
i know that chris and i will get through this
i know that nate is my special miracle boy, and i thank god for him

thursday night, i was alone in bed, crying and trying to come to terms with what i was about to do on friday. nothing and no body can prepare you to be induced, go into labor and deliver a dead baby, then leave the hospital alone. As i was thinking these thoughts i heard…

‘ i am with you, i will hold you, i will cradle you, i have you in my right hand, my righteous, right hand”

i cried some more. i chose to not question god in anger and i refuse to allow bitterness to take over

a few hours later, i heard it again “i have you in my right hand, my righteous right hand”

i then felt the need to name my “baby” and knowing it was a boy, i chose a boy’s name. not one on my list, not a name i would have considered. i felt the name benjamin slip out my lips. benjamin. i looked the meaning up.

benjamin – Hebrew - son of my right hand

I called chris up and share this with him. He agreed, his name was to be Benjamin. every time I say his name, i am being held up by righteousness

one last thing. While I labored for those many hours, at home and in the hospital, I needed a word to hold on to. I had to have a life line to get through the nightmare of Friday and the days to come. I need(ed) strength that was not my own. I brought my ipod along and filled myself with words and music for my spirit…the one song that i repeated over and over and over and over was this one

he who has started a good work won’t stop until he’s done

i am not forgotten

this is what I believe

18 wks

friday night was crazy with this babe.

i went out with a friend, came home late, starving so i ate crap from mcdee's, went to bed and woke up an hr later with the worst cramping pain, evah! it hurt SO much. i knew nothing was wrong. then cramping turned into pinching, then the babe decided to be like nate and take up break dancing, on my organs. then the hormones took over.

i was a mess. i slept very little and was counting the hrs until sun light. it turns out the babe was simply getting a wee bit cramped in his space in my back, decided to move up a bit and make some more room, which triggered the hormones to activate into a wind storm of emotions, then the hunger hit. i ate and ate and ate until the sun came up...then the storm was was CRAZY! other than that things are well. i kinda look pregnant, kinda, sorta...ok i don't i look like i ate to many doritos..yumm 0 comments

paint, paint and more painting

nate was busy fixing his truck
then he decided it was nap time, got a blanket (and my dish towels) climbed on the couch and said "daddy, mommy. nap now"

media room is painted. i love it. the pics do zero justice at all. the front wall where the screen will be and the ceiling are painted a dark grey/charcoal. the other 3 walls are painted a greeny/sagey/olive. i love it
2 contrasting colors
i tried to get a shot of the ceiling and back wall colors but it's not a great pic
back corner wall and ceiling
i started priming yesterday, chris and i painted all night. then spent today painting. nate was with us in the morning and he did AMAZING! he played and helped and got covered in dirt, dust and paint. oh well. chris is painting the bathroom tonight while i am out with a friend at a movie. ha.
tomorrow we hope to put down the carpet in the media room and mud the guest will be nice to get it all done. i must say i do like working with chris. it's nice to chat, laugh and fight :) just like the old days...
on a side note, i told chris today that we have had 3 houses since being married. we have now finished all 3 basements i see a trend?....ha