guilt.
one word. so powerful
yesterday, i spoke with a kind, sweet lady, a fellow mother of 5 kids. yes, 5. she made this statement
"surely, you don't feel guilty?"
truth?
why, yes i do. i know in my head that there is little to no chance that i did anything wrong regards to ben.
my heart says otherwise
i had to have done something. not eat enough veggies, not work out, not sleep enough, not rest enough, something, anything. it has to be my fault. there has to be a reason. an answer. something. anything.
guilt is a part of this whole grieving process. i must confront this guilt thing.
when i am vulnerable (which i am right now) that redic dude from down below is wanting to prey on my pain...to make it even worse he claws the open the wound with agonizing thoughts of guilt and condemnation for what i may have done or not done
guilt can bring me to my knees or it can separate me from god. sure, i know there is no condemnation in jesus...my head knows this but my heart is struggling...
today i am facing this guilt. alone. it's scary. to speak what's on my heart, to put it out there. that way i can tell god what i am really feeling (cause duh, he already knows) and deal with it.
maybe guilt is a good thing, it can serve a purpose. to bring me closer to god
a friend told me last week that i am lucky to have god on my side...he tends to heal the brokenhearted a wee bit faster
i am lucky to know him
nothing can separate me from his love, this i know
4 comments:
I can't imagine how difficult this process must be for you. We're praying for you :)
I know that we never got to know each other, and it's been difficult for yor mother and I to overcome and understand the differences that we both had to overcome living in so many different foster homes. I would like, if you wish, to tell you how I dealt with the death of my full term daugher and three months later the death of my husband. Whenever you feel the need, then I wish to make this just between you and I, and if you're not ready, I'll be here whenever. I called my angel, Bernadette.
Aunt Shirley
aunt shirley check your email!
michelle, thanks for your prayers. they are needed and wanted :)
m
melanie my dear, guilt is so hard on our heart. we have jesus to cry out our pain and guilt feelings. sure he knows it but when we put it in our own words and ask for his healing of the pain , he will not let us allone . he knows pain and suffering and has the power to heal. ask jesus to love ben for you. love you deeply muetti
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