This awesome blogger theme comes under a Creative Commons license. They are free of charge to use as a theme for your blog and you can make changes to the templates to suit your needs.
RSS

benjamin

benjamin (still working on a middle name) eigenheer was born sat morning at 0:42 am. he was 56 grams, with 10 tiny toes, 8 fingers and 2 thumbs, arms, legs, eyes, ears, my lips, chris's chin and feet, ben has long nails like me and soft hair on his head. ben’s tiny arms were crossed, in a pray like position

ben is now at tuttle brother's funeral home, where they will take care of my son. he will be having an autopsy done, then sent for testing to try and figure out why he died. i have already started my rounds of testing. ben will be cremated and the funeral home will hold his remains until we know where to go from here. there will be no public funeral or memorial service at my wishes.


the long story...

*i know that the eig's adore lavished details and i will try by best to do that.

it's sunday morning, my rest aid wore off a few hours ago, giving me some quiet time in the early morning before the boys wake up. i brewed my java, snacking on breakfast cookies and feel the need to write.

Wednesday

my family arrived. i spent the day loving the boys, hanging with my sis and having convo's full of pregnancy fun and not so fun stuff.

wed night after supper, i went to get ready to teach the kids, i started to spot I went and told chris

we decided to go to the hospital to have it checked out

hospital- after walking through a crowd of coughing, hacking, sick people. the room was so incredibly oppressive and dark, i was registered and sent to a private clean waiting area. chris and i made plans for the future of our family and enjoyed just being alone.

saw the dr. checked the cervix, closed nice and tight. spent 40 mins trying to find a heartbeat. nothing was found.

resident dr was called in. it was my reg prenatal dr. what an amazing lady she is. went over my options.

- rh factor. chris and i have opposite blood types and my blood could be mixing with the babes, need to get my shot. no problem to fix
- my cervix or placenta has been compromised. only an ultrasound will show this and how to proceed
- slight chance the baby had died. very small chance

the dr then spent another 45 mins trying to locate the heartbeat. again, nothing was found. we left the hospital to come back on thursday for an ultrasound

thurs

spent the morning with my fam and sis. chris came to pick me up, went to the ultrasound. got dressed, waited among the sea of pregnant ladies in the waiting room

my name was called. In to the ultrasound room i go. it's cold, and dark. not normal. i meet the tec, who immediately explains that this is an emergency ultrasound and she can not, nor will talk, or answer qestions. she will take measurements , send them to the lab, then we will go back up to the prenatal clinic to meet with the dr

the u/s screen was turned but not enough that I could not peek. i saw what i needed to see. shock slowly began to enter my body, still trying to remain hopeful, but feeling the dread start.

i got dressed in silence, walked out of the change room not speaking, locating chris in the waiting room, i took his hand, walked a few feet and asked him

"what are your thoughts"
he said " what are yours?"
looking down, always down, i saw the red, black and green dots on the floor as we walked over then, i said " we lost the baby"

not another word was spoken. we made it to the clinic, sat in the full waiting room of very pregnant ladies. some i knew, some i don't. to those i know, i apologize for not returning your smile or your warm greeting of hello.

after 30 mins, which felt like 3 hours, we were called to the room the meet the dr. a new dr. after she read my chart, she excused her self. then came back.
she sat down, opened my chart
i stared at the wall

i hear the words i will never forget

"it's never easy to say this, and by seeing the looks on your faces, you already know. i am so, so sorry, we don't know why or how but the baby stopped growing at 15 wks"

i turned and put my deaf hear up (it's handy to be deaf you know) and cried on chris's shoulder. he was told of all the options. the dr left. we were given some time to make our decision

the options were
1- self abortion (these are the medical's terms not mine) go home, go into labor and deliver the baby on your own, then come o the hospital to deliver the placenta

2-d&c have the gyno scrap your baby out with a knife, abortion style. not a chance in hell

3- be induced, go into labor and deliver the baby and placenta at the hospital under medical watch

i chose 3. we were booked in for fri morning 7 am

thursday night was spent crying, begging god for a word to get through tomorrow, tears and talk

friday

i slept approxy 2 hrs, hit the shower and mixed the water with my tears. got dressed, packed my bag and went to get checked in.

due to the shortage of staff and an emerg c-section we were sent some to come back at 12. we met the obgyn who would be inducing me. what a sweet man. so kind, so gentle, so caring. he sat on my bed and rubbed my legs when i cried. i was a person, not a case. so grateful for him

went home. i slept for an hour. left for the hospital for 12

at 12:30 the first round of induction was done. my sister joined me, the hospital made a special exception in the 1 visitor person rule (because of H1N1). i met my day nurse. she was my night nurse when i was in labor with nate. she remembered us, and could not believe that we would meet again under similar circumstances. she was sent by god to be with me.

4:30-checked the cervix, tight and closed. the induction is not working, another round was given to me

7:00- i am tired. i feel spent in every way. there is nothing to do while you wait to deliver your dead baby. nothing can prepare you for it, your whole body is bracing for the shock and all you have is time

7:15-my sis leaves to put her boy to bed

7:30- contractions start. well, they had stared around 2, but i wasn't counting them. to me a contraction makes you stop talking and gasp for air.

7:40-i am checked. nothing, the induction is not working. we start to go over my options. they are not good options

8- nurse change over. i was laying on my side, listening to my ipod. i asked god to please start the labor. 5 mins later, bang. my water breaks. i told chris, he gets the nurses. they get me up to clean the mess. normally the water is clear. mine was blood. i stood up, blood everywhere, i feel a nurse pass me a towel to clean up the blood that is running down my legs. i sit. i tell chris that i am going to pass out now. and i did. my body went into shock

i woke up to greet my new nurses, to an i.v and full blown contractions. i am in hard labour now

to my utter delight, i was greeted by my most favorite nurse when i had nate! she was the one who really helped me, let me cry and was so supportive. god sent her to me again. and again, she knew who i was.

9:00 hard contractions are still back to back. i get checked. cervix is solid, closed and the induction is not working. due to my c-section with nate, i was not allowed to receive anymore doses that night. the plan was to admit me over night and start the whole process over in the morning. another day of waiting.

i cried to god, i was mad, i was frustrated, i quotes scripture, then i cried some more. i came to the peace (as best as I can at this point) that losing the baby was one thing, i will heal from it, but going through another day of pain and torture and agony was not god's best for me and as his daughter i wanted better...

9:30 my wonderful nurse came in. she her, self called the dr and convinced him that he must come up with a new plan. sometimes men need to not look at the facts but look at the person. he agreed to start another round on induction at 12 but it had to be orally. which is much slower. i was then given a sleep aid, and after talking to my wise sister a shot of pain killer, to take the edge off the contractions so i could sleep.

10:00- calm and tired i went to sleep. chris at my feet and my sister next door. the nurses took such great care of her

12:00- was given my 3rd dose of induction. i rolled over on my side. closed my eyes and asked god to allow me to deliver soon. the next 30 mins i thought of quinn and his personality, how he is such a joy to have in our family, then i though of nate and how special he is to me and how he will help me get through this with his own little personality.

12:30 i had a strong, painful contraction, i held my breath and called for chris, then another one hit, then he 3rd. i cried to chris to get up, then literally a second went by and i felt the urge to push. i told chris the baby is coming.

chris got the nurses, the nurses got my sister. i told them i delivered the baby. the nurses did not start the procedure until my sister was there.

then they lifted the sheets, called the dr. chris then cut the cord, the baby was cleaned up, my sister and chris both saw him. they wrapped him up and brought him to me. they told me it was a boy (which i can now say I TOLD YOU SO!) i held him, cried, touched him, saw his perfectly formed body. i sang him his name song (i make up songs to nate about his name and he has to have one too!) i said my good bye's and gave him to chris



my sister bend down and kissed my head. i felt her tears through her hair. she would not want me to see her cry

chris then took care of the deets. baby ben is at tuttle's funeral home where he will be cremated after his autopsy and testing. the funeral home will hold his tiny remains until chris and i decided what we want to do. there will be no funeral or public burial

no one knows why this happened, or when the baby died or how he died. no one knows if it will happen again or if we can have another one. in a few weeks i will start more tests, some for the inside, to see how much damage my cervix has, or if there is something greater that is wrong. maybe we can get some answers.

to those who do not know. this is not my first miscarriage. i have had 2 this year alone, well 3 actually. i just never dreamed that it could happen at 18 (almost) 19 weeks. i was told i was safe.

i don't know why it happened
i don't know what i need to do to heal
i don't know how i will heal
i don't know what to say
i don't know when the pain will go away
i don't know when the sun will shine on me again
but
i do know that i am loved
i know that god is still there, this is not his fault
i know that god will walk with me through this
i know that it's ok to get mad, angry, yell and cry
i know that i will stand one day and see god's greatness in the living
i know that chris adores me, when i hurt he hurts
i know chris is so incredibly for me and on my side
i know that chris and i will get through this
i know that nate is my special miracle boy, and i thank god for him

thursday night, i was alone in bed, crying and trying to come to terms with what i was about to do on friday. nothing and no body can prepare you to be induced, go into labor and deliver a dead baby, then leave the hospital alone. As i was thinking these thoughts i heard…

‘ i am with you, i will hold you, i will cradle you, i have you in my right hand, my righteous, right hand”

i cried some more. i chose to not question god in anger and i refuse to allow bitterness to take over

a few hours later, i heard it again “i have you in my right hand, my righteous right hand”

i then felt the need to name my “baby” and knowing it was a boy, i chose a boy’s name. not one on my list, not a name i would have considered. i felt the name benjamin slip out my lips. benjamin. i looked the meaning up.

benjamin – Hebrew - son of my right hand

I called chris up and share this with him. He agreed, his name was to be Benjamin. every time I say his name, i am being held up by righteousness

one last thing. While I labored for those many hours, at home and in the hospital, I needed a word to hold on to. I had to have a life line to get through the nightmare of Friday and the days to come. I need(ed) strength that was not my own. I brought my ipod along and filled myself with words and music for my spirit…the one song that i repeated over and over and over and over was this one

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9h8SEDqJXM

he who has started a good work won’t stop until he’s done

i am not forgotten

this is what I believe
4 comments

18 wks

friday night was crazy with this babe.

i went out with a friend, came home late, starving so i ate crap from mcdee's, went to bed and woke up an hr later with the worst cramping pain, evah! it hurt SO much. i knew nothing was wrong. then cramping turned into pinching, then the babe decided to be like nate and take up break dancing, on my organs. then the hormones took over.

i was a mess. i slept very little and was counting the hrs until sun light. it turns out the babe was simply getting a wee bit cramped in his space in my back, decided to move up a bit and make some more room, which triggered the hormones to activate into a wind storm of emotions, then the hunger hit. i ate and ate and ate until the sun came up...then the storm was over...it was CRAZY! other than that things are well. i kinda look pregnant, kinda, sorta...ok i don't i look like i ate to many doritos..yumm 0 comments

paint, paint and more painting

nate was busy fixing his truck
then he decided it was nap time, got a blanket (and my dish towels) climbed on the couch and said "daddy, mommy. nap now"

media room is painted. i love it. the pics do zero justice at all. the front wall where the screen will be and the ceiling are painted a dark grey/charcoal. the other 3 walls are painted a greeny/sagey/olive. i love it
2 contrasting colors
i tried to get a shot of the ceiling and back wall colors but it's not a great pic
back corner wall and ceiling
i started priming yesterday, chris and i painted all night. then spent today painting. nate was with us in the morning and he did AMAZING! he played and helped and got covered in dirt, dust and paint. oh well. chris is painting the bathroom tonight while i am out with a friend at a movie. ha.
tomorrow we hope to put down the carpet in the media room and mud the guest room...it will be nice to get it all done. i must say i do like working with chris. it's nice to chat, laugh and fight :) just like the old days...
on a side note, i told chris today that we have had 3 houses since being married. we have now finished all 3 basements together....do i see a trend?....ha
0 comments

media room

chris constructed a platform to place the larger couch on so it will be elevated and will give us a better view of the screen
taking a break and not looking into it. we both are loathing the work to finish the basement
completed plat form. the mud and sanding is finished. i will primer and paint tomorrow, the hallway is also done
*ignore the flying drywall dust, i took pics while chris was sanding

0 comments

nate's break dancing

video

i was at the church last night and chris took it as the perfect opportunity to teach nate how to break dance. ha. too bad nate is in dark pants it's hard to see his little legs dancing away. pretty good for watching 1 video eh.

0 comments

poor man's popcorn

my wonderful sis gave me this fabo concept. take a plain old paper bag, throw and handful of uncooked popcorn (or 2 or 3...), fold at the top (staples and tape didn't work for me...chris can tell you about the mini fire) cook for 3-4 mins. open, throw some seasoning on it. voila. fresh, healthy, tasty and most important cheap popcorn. chris likes his healthy fresh popcorn with a cup of butter and salt on his...yeah i love him as he is

*this may be an old concept to some people who have been doing this for years but it is new and fun for me...i love my nightly popcorn!
1 comments

go fish guys

i am in the midst of planning the kiddo's christmas play, i have been searching for new music and creative ideas...ha. i hate trying to be creative on the spot, it doesn't work for me! anyways, i discovered this new to me kids group. i love them! such fun to listen to. i have been searching on line to order all 7 of their cd's but can not find a cheap enough for my cheapness distributor. americans get an amazing deal. buy 1 cd for 15 bucks, get the rest for 5! not being american i can't get this deal. oh well. i really want the christmas cd "snow" love it. i found a clippero on youtube to show how great i think this groups is...

clicky on the linky

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=by8pf49i6JE

life is fun. keeping my head up high. i was bummed this morning so i took nate for a walk, it was beautiful out and it totally changed my mood. i finally said "ok god, help me. i need help today, i am bummed, overwhelmed, sad and not feeling the joy of the lord" man, i wish god could make my emotions steady-eddy-all the time. ha...

what i really wish is that god would have listened to me years ago when i boldly claimed "I AM NOT CALLED TO CHILDREN'S MINISTRY" why didn't he listen to me? ha 0 comments
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iK0SobQovME&feature=player_embedded

bawah. sheer enjoyment. ha 0 comments

17 wks

prego stuff

the night sweats are back, with a vengeance. it's disgusting the amount of sweat my body can create! i have taken to cheating, i now sleep on a thick blanket that can be washed daily instead of washing my sheets. every.single.day! the positive aspect is my body is getting rid of all the unneeded water, which is preventing water retention. other than that and the weird need to plaster my food in any for of condiment, things are going great. ha!
0 comments

good morning ya'll

after spending yesterday in the house and not being able to enjoy the wonderful weather, i insisted that we go out today. such fun. we went to a local park, had tim's for breaky and enjoyed the trees and such. nate is a fun kid to hang with
there's ma boy
not much going on with us, other than finishing the entire basement by christmas, writing the christmas production, restructuring the children's ministry, writing new curriculum for wed nights, schedules and endless meetings. nope, not much at all...ha....breath, i can do all things...right? ha
have a great day everyone!
0 comments

drunken debauchery

due to my intense dislike of the dentist, i found myself awake at 4 this am. i chose to not think/worry/be afraid of the dreaded dentist visit that was just around the corner. instead i thought about silly random things, such as compiling my christmas baking list. then after running our of stuff to think about, i remembered this verse

"do not be drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery but instead be filled with the spirit" eph 5:18

or better

"don't destroy your life by getting drunk, but let the spirit fill your life"

which got me to actually think about it. which i have never done before. and before you know it i got it! i now understand this verse. silly isn't it. this is what i came up with at 5 this morning

yrs ago, i was a party girl. oh how i loved a party. oh how i adore drinking and clubbing. it was such fun. planning the night a good week in advance, picking the poison, the location, then the night comes. we would get together to get ready, get stoked with some great tunes, have a few drinks, do each others hair, get dressed, call a club and arrive at the chosen club. there we would drink some more, dance until we could not breath, have another drink or 2 or 3....repeat until the club closes. then separate to party at homes, or go home with some random guy or find some friends to split the cab home with, while grabbing some pizza before we crash somewhere

why did i do it? like very weekend? sure it was fun. often the morning after was spent trying to remember what happened, or putting the pieces together, locating missing friends...

smackeroo. go it. bingo.

i did it to take a mini vacation. drinking makes you feel different. it makes you do things you may not normally do (table dancing) it helps fill a void ( picking up strange dudes) drinking makes your life, for a short time, fun, exciting, happy and burdens forgotten

which lead to the being filled with the spirit part that confused me

then i saw the light. ha. when you are living spirit lead, you should feel/act all the good things that the bible talks about. love, joy, wisdom, freedom. which would cause me to act, behave and do things that i would normally not do.

so instead of dancing on a table...not that i ever would...while drunk...ha. when you are spirit filled i would act like i normally would not. like hug someone i can't stand, do something for someone that i do not like, forgiving someone who totally cause much pain, saying the right words at the right moment... things that i can't do on my own

ahhh such a simple concept and i missed it all these yrs

so knowing this i think it's time i get my partay back, table dancing! bring it on! getting excited to go out with friends, whee! buying that stinky dude with the snot dried on his face a coffee with out judgement, okay-dokay

i think a need a drink! party up! 0 comments

dentist day!

nate's very first dentist visit. he was quite taken with the joint
he was allowed to play with all the dental tools

and flirt with the hygienist
and was quite pleased with his new tooth brush
he even allowed the dentist to check all his teeth. he did great! thank god for coverage! it cost over 400 for all 3 of us to have our teeth cleaned. no x-rays, just a good old fashion check up and cleaning.
i was shocked to discover that the vast amount of fruits that i consume, combined with this pregnancy is causing soft spots all over my teeth! soft spots are perfect breeding grounds for cavities! who would have guessed that fruit would cause the same reaction to my teeth as pop and fruit juices. somehow i have to cut back on my fruits!
0 comments

snow!

i asked nate what do you think about the snow? he responded by closing his eyes and smiling. what a goof ball
chubby cheek boy with his chubby snow suit on. we had some more snow on fri so i took nate out to play, he loved it. he then insisted that we call nanna and poppy and tell them "play in snow, outside" which we did.
is this a good thing that he likes the snow? i think not, i don't like being cold. we dont have a fenced in back yard so all snow playing must be supervised....i can do that from inside right? ha.
0 comments

nate the helper

i find nate all over the house with his tool, banging, hammering, screwing, measuring and fixing everything...even things that don't need fixing....he's just like his dad this one is
more tools ready to be used
good thing nate fixed the door. ha!
0 comments

shannon's shower

carla and i with the help of some lovely ladies threw shannon's baby shower this afternoon, right after church. it went well! lots of food, fun and great chatter was had by all. above clothes line, i had the task of digging through nate's wee baby clothes...sniff, sniff
stacy and her bundle of joy
shannon walking in with weston
some ppl getting their grub on...and joel being his normal self
sassy carla and angry (?) joel
weston enjoying his feast at the head table (note the hammer)
some of the many gifts
present opening
all in all it went really well. we had a great time and it was nice to sit, relax and chat after church instead of rushing around (like normal) can't wait for the next one. we are already under way with planning it.....
0 comments

week 16

yep, week 16. night sweats are back, much to my dismay. hormones are flaring, poor chris. appetite comes and goes, i have strange craving. like ketchup covered hamburger, cheese covered with honey mustard, corn chip things(the kind for dipping in salsa) with peanut butter, veggies and fruit of all kind. other than that things are peachy-keen.
0 comments

i' m back

i am just now starting to feel better, goodness. i don't think i have been that sick in a while, it also doesn't help that i can't take anything to feel better :)

baby news

i had an appointy this am. it took 2 nurses and 1/2 hr to find the heart beat. not bec it wasn't there but bec this baby is a fast mover and just like it's mama, would not. sit. still! finally after a good 20 mins of dancing, the babe settled in it's home, low, in my back. :) ha. i am carrying super low, just like nate, this one is loving the lower area. the heart beat was a strong 160, my blood pressure was spot on, weight gain 5 pounds (darn you halloween chocolate), i am also measuring a perfect 3 cm's above the belly button, exactly where i should be. i just have a small belly. which i love.

i am have my 20 wk ultrasound and sex determination at the end of this month. i am crossing fingers and toes and praying that the lab will STAT my ultrasound so i can be in the know of this baby's gender by christmas. my next appointy is the first of dec. i have a hankering that i know what sex the baby is...but i can't wait to see! and yes, i will blab the gender to anyone who cares.

it's snowing out today, which is a prime excuse to stay in the house and do my much neglected house cleaning. i haven't done a speck of cleaning in a week. my house is so dirty that even nate had to point out to me the dirt on the stairs. love the dark floors that my house sports, it sucks that they show every speck of dirt!

with that i must get back to cleaning and making everything shine

have a good friday everyone 0 comments

15 weeks

preggo stuff for those who care :)

i am typing from the comfort of my bed. i stared to not feel so great sat (during mj's this is it movie) then when i got home, it got worse. i caved in sat night and went to bed. i woke up sunday quite ill and for the first time in our married life, chris taught the kiddo's with out me. i ended up staying home and spent the day in bed. i despise being sick. i loath every second of it. chris took today off to hang with naters while i res and get better (do i not have the most amazing hubby in the world!!)

back to the preggo stuff...the night sweats stopped for 3 glorious nights last week. sheer heaven to wake up clean and dry. then fri night they started back up. i a so noticed that the hormones were working me over big time on sat and sun.

the hormones are wild with this wee one. i am a mess most days, i curl up in a ball and cry for no reason, i feel intense emotions that i would normally not get (anger, depression, sadness etc) it's getting better to identify what the emotion is and then deal with it. but to be honest, i spend a lot of time and energy trying to remain in control and not give in to express them. sure, i feel angry but i don't have the right to vent it out on chris. it's tough somedays. i fin myself saying "i'm sorry" a lot.

naters stuff

nate's vocab is exploding. every day he says a good 5 new words. he now speaks in 4+ word sentences. my most fav one was last week. we were sitting on the floor playing with his animals and he takes his monkey and runs it up my face. then says

"yaya (nate) runs monkey up mommy's face"

some new phrases are

"it's dark outside"
"far and away" while running to and from me
"daddy or mommy upstairs please"
"catch daddy, him's offie"='s go pick up chris and bring him a tim's coffee
"yaya's poop stinky ewww"
"yaya kick ball hard"

i discovered a long time ago that nate needs time to adjust to a new situation or a change of activity. so when we are out in the morning. i always tell him what will happen next. yesterday coming home from church chris told nate what's going to happen. nate runs in the house yelling

"mommy, church, play, lunch mmm fries...nap, play. play ball, play truck, play blocks"

he gave me a list of what he did and will do for the remainder of the day.

ha. enjoy your monday everyone! 0 comments