how great

it started to happen a few days ago. and i wish it away




supper time. we sit around the patio table. chris across from me. nate to my right. i look down. in a split second i see a bouncer chair. but it's empty



i am walking. chris is at my right pushing nate in the jogger. i look down. i see the baby sling. it too is empty



at night. i wake. i swear i heard a baby cry. it takes a second to realise that i did. in my dream. there is no baby in my home




i walk into the spare bedroom, open the blinds, turn to my right and hit my toe on the bed frame. there is no crib in this room. just a bed. it's empty too




i sit on a bench at the park. i watch nate. he's climbing over the play structure. he's alone. his brother is not here



i walk past the diaper aisle at superstore. the thought hits me faster than i can stop it. i wonder...will i need diapers again?




i sit on the couch. chris on my right. nate on the floor, he's building a train track. i glance at the open floor. there is no baby




i look down in my arms. they too are empty




he's not here anymore




oh how i ache for him. "they" say losing a child is something that you never "get over" i know it's true




the past few nights, i lay in bed. i can feel the tears fall. i can't stop them, they start before i can compute their existence. i tap the strong shoulder to my right





i mutter "hold me"





he does





i calm myself by knowing that this pain will pass. it's normal. it's a process





i miss my son


oh benny boy you are missed. i am so thankful that i got to feel you, i felt you move. you were apart of me for a short time. i am grateful that you were given to me, even just for those wonderful 20 weeks





until we meet again my son



* in trying to keep it "real" losing a baby just plain old sucks. it's not right. it's not fair.





i remind myself, when the pain is really strong, intense and feels like it's going to swollow me up. i remember that my pain is NOTHING compared to what my jesus went through for me

he truly is great

Posted by mel at 9:05 AM