deep friday thoughts

yesterday during my meeting with the nurse at my prenatal (that's right! i said prenatal, cause i am having a baby...ha!) the nurse said to me after going through my history and the loss of ben, she said "i am sorry for all the pain and loss you have gone through, but i know good has come from it"

i agreed

then i thought, hum, that's just an odd thing to say. good comes from horribleness and i agreed

it's true!

when i think over those months after our loss, the pain, sorrow and despair i felt was unlike anything i have ever experienced, i could not rid myself of it. the guilt was tormenting. it was destroying me

how could good come from this???

now my bitter experience turns into peace. you have saved me and kept me from the rotting pit...is 38:17

i read this today and was silenced by it. my bitterness (lets face it was dealing with that!) some how turned in peace over the last yr BEFORE we got pregnant

he kept me from the rotting pit. everyone has one, mine was grief, anger, bitterness, resentfulness, sorrow and more guilt. at some time and point in every one's life you fill find yourself in a pit, call it what you want. i lived in mine for a good yr before i was able to start climbing out of it

then, once i started to climb out i was able to feel peace. before.... i can honestly say that i dealt with a lot of garbage while getting out of the hole that i lived in and honestly, i had the right to live in a pit! a horrible thing happened to me!

but i did not want it to define me. i don;t want to be known as the girl with fertility issues, loss babies etc...

i didn't just want to feel better, i wanted to be better. i was not after feelings but knowing...that i was out of my pit for the rest of my life

i was able to thank god and to be happy with out having what i wanted

so what does this mean? esp after my appointment yesterday and facing more fear(s) i've decided that baby or no baby will not determine how i will live this life

my relationship with god must be more important than anything that i want or desire...kwim? ( know what i mean?)

so this long and rambly blog is not really for you to read but for me to type and formulate in words that no matter what happens over the next few months, years it will not determine or change my relationship with god

living this life, in the world should only make me stronger in him, cause really, i can do nothing with out him

i know this more than anything, esp with the hormones! feeling cranky, irritable, tired, hormonal, sad etc...i can't reach on it. but i can't do it alone, it's almost like a constant reminder of how much more i need god in my life. i find myself praying alot lately...."help me to keep my mouth shut!" or "i must keep this scenario in perspective" or "this will pass and i will feel better tomorrow" or "man! i just need a coffee and a shopping spree" ha!

Strength and dignity are her clothing, And she smiles at the future

Posted by mel at 12:48 PM