benjamin (still working on a middle name) eigenheer was born sat morning at 0:42 am. he was 56 grams, with 10 tiny toes, 8 fingers and 2 thumbs, arms, legs, eyes, ears, my lips, chris's chin and feet, ben has long nails like me and soft hair on his head. ben’s tiny arms were crossed, in a pray like positionben is now at tuttle brother's funeral home, where they will take care of my son. he will be having an autopsy done, then sent for testing to try and figure out why he died. i have already started my rounds of testing. ben will be cremated and the funeral home will hold his remains until we know where to go from here. there will be no public funeral or memorial service at my wishes.
the long story...
*i know that the eig's adore lavished details and i will try by best to do that.
it's sunday morning, my rest aid wore off a few hours ago, giving me some quiet time in the early morning before the boys wake up. i brewed my java, snacking on breakfast cookies and feel the need to write.
Wednesday
my family arrived. i spent the day loving the boys, hanging with my sis and having convo's full of pregnancy fun and not so fun stuff.
wed night after supper, i went to get ready to teach the kids, i started to spot I went and told chris
we decided to go to the hospital to have it checked out
hospital- after walking through a crowd of coughing, hacking, sick people. the room was so incredibly oppressive and dark, i was registered and sent to a private clean waiting area. chris and i made plans for the future of our family and enjoyed just being alone.
saw the dr. checked the cervix, closed nice and tight. spent 40 mins trying to find a heartbeat. nothing was found.
resident dr was called in. it was my reg prenatal dr. what an amazing lady she is. went over my options.
- rh factor. chris and i have opposite blood types and my blood could be mixing with the babes, need to get my shot. no problem to fix
- my cervix or placenta has been compromised. only an ultrasound will show this and how to proceed
- slight chance the baby had died. very small chance
the dr then spent another 45 mins trying to locate the heartbeat. again, nothing was found. we left the hospital to come back on thursday for an ultrasound
thurs
spent the morning with my fam and sis. chris came to pick me up, went to the ultrasound. got dressed, waited among the sea of pregnant ladies in the waiting room
my name was called. In to the ultrasound room i go. it's cold, and dark. not normal. i meet the tec, who immediately explains that this is an emergency ultrasound and she can not, nor will talk, or answer qestions. she will take measurements , send them to the lab, then we will go back up to the prenatal clinic to meet with the dr
the u/s screen was turned but not enough that I could not peek. i saw what i needed to see. shock slowly began to enter my body, still trying to remain hopeful, but feeling the dread start.
i got dressed in silence, walked out of the change room not speaking, locating chris in the waiting room, i took his hand, walked a few feet and asked him
"what are your thoughts"
he said " what are yours?"
looking down, always down, i saw the red, black and green dots on the floor as we walked over then, i said " we lost the baby"
not another word was spoken. we made it to the clinic, sat in the full waiting room of very pregnant ladies. some i knew, some i don't. to those i know, i apologize for not returning your smile or your warm greeting of hello.
after 30 mins, which felt like 3 hours, we were called to the room the meet the dr. a new dr. after she read my chart, she excused her self. then came back.
she sat down, opened my chart
i stared at the wall
i hear the words i will never forget
"it's never easy to say this, and by seeing the looks on your faces, you already know. i am so, so sorry, we don't know why or how but the baby stopped growing at 15 wks"
i turned and put my deaf hear up (it's handy to be deaf you know) and cried on chris's shoulder. he was told of all the options. the dr left. we were given some time to make our decision
the options were
1- self abortion (these are the medical's terms not mine) go home, go into labor and deliver the baby on your own, then come o the hospital to deliver the placenta
2-d&c have the gyno scrap your baby out with a knife, abortion style. not a chance in hell
3- be induced, go into labor and deliver the baby and placenta at the hospital under medical watch
i chose 3. we were booked in for fri morning 7 am
thursday night was spent crying, begging god for a word to get through tomorrow, tears and talk
friday
i slept approxy 2 hrs, hit the shower and mixed the water with my tears. got dressed, packed my bag and went to get checked in.
due to the shortage of staff and an emerg c-section we were sent some to come back at 12. we met the obgyn who would be inducing me. what a sweet man. so kind, so gentle, so caring. he sat on my bed and rubbed my legs when i cried. i was a person, not a case. so grateful for him
went home. i slept for an hour. left for the hospital for 12
at 12:30 the first round of induction was done. my sister joined me, the hospital made a special exception in the 1 visitor person rule (because of H1N1). i met my day nurse. she was my night nurse when i was in labor with nate. she remembered us, and could not believe that we would meet again under similar circumstances. she was sent by god to be with me.
4:30-checked the cervix, tight and closed. the induction is not working, another round was given to me
7:00- i am tired. i feel spent in every way. there is nothing to do while you wait to deliver your dead baby. nothing can prepare you for it, your whole body is bracing for the shock and all you have is time
7:15-my sis leaves to put her boy to bed
7:30- contractions start. well, they had stared around 2, but i wasn't counting them. to me a contraction makes you stop talking and gasp for air.
7:40-i am checked. nothing, the induction is not working. we start to go over my options. they are not good options
8- nurse change over. i was laying on my side, listening to my ipod. i asked god to please start the labor. 5 mins later, bang. my water breaks. i told chris, he gets the nurses. they get me up to clean the mess. normally the water is clear. mine was blood. i stood up, blood everywhere, i feel a nurse pass me a towel to clean up the blood that is running down my legs. i sit. i tell chris that i am going to pass out now. and i did. my body went into shock
i woke up to greet my new nurses, to an i.v and full blown contractions. i am in hard labour now
to my utter delight, i was greeted by my most favorite nurse when i had nate! she was the one who really helped me, let me cry and was so supportive. god sent her to me again. and again, she knew who i was.
9:00 hard contractions are still back to back. i get checked. cervix is solid, closed and the induction is not working. due to my c-section with nate, i was not allowed to receive anymore doses that night. the plan was to admit me over night and start the whole process over in the morning. another day of waiting.
i cried to god, i was mad, i was frustrated, i quotes scripture, then i cried some more. i came to the peace (as best as I can at this point) that losing the baby was one thing, i will heal from it, but going through another day of pain and torture and agony was not god's best for me and as his daughter i wanted better...
9:30 my wonderful nurse came in. she her, self called the dr and convinced him that he must come up with a new plan. sometimes men need to not look at the facts but look at the person. he agreed to start another round on induction at 12 but it had to be orally. which is much slower. i was then given a sleep aid, and after talking to my wise sister a shot of pain killer, to take the edge off the contractions so i could sleep.
10:00- calm and tired i went to sleep. chris at my feet and my sister next door. the nurses took such great care of her
12:00- was given my 3rd dose of induction. i rolled over on my side. closed my eyes and asked god to allow me to deliver soon. the next 30 mins i thought of quinn and his personality, how he is such a joy to have in our family, then i though of nate and how special he is to me and how he will help me get through this with his own little personality.
12:30 i had a strong, painful contraction, i held my breath and called for chris, then another one hit, then he 3rd. i cried to chris to get up, then literally a second went by and i felt the urge to push. i told chris the baby is coming.
chris got the nurses, the nurses got my sister. i told them i delivered the baby. the nurses did not start the procedure until my sister was there.
then they lifted the sheets, called the dr. chris then cut the cord, the baby was cleaned up, my sister and chris both saw him. they wrapped him up and brought him to me. they told me it was a boy (which i can now say I TOLD YOU SO!) i held him, cried, touched him, saw his perfectly formed body. i sang him his name song (i make up songs to nate about his name and he has to have one too!) i said my good bye's and gave him to chris
my sister bend down and kissed my head. i felt her tears through her hair. she would not want me to see her cry
chris then took care of the deets. baby ben is at tuttle's funeral home where he will be cremated after his autopsy and testing. the funeral home will hold his tiny remains until chris and i decided what we want to do. there will be no funeral or public burial
no one knows why this happened, or when the baby died or how he died. no one knows if it will happen again or if we can have another one. in a few weeks i will start more tests, some for the inside, to see how much damage my cervix has, or if there is something greater that is wrong. maybe we can get some answers.
to those who do not know. this is not my first miscarriage. i have had 2 this year alone, well 3 actually. i just never dreamed that it could happen at 18 (almost) 19 weeks. i was told i was safe.
i don't know why it happened
i don't know what i need to do to heal
i don't know how i will heal
i don't know what to say
i don't know when the pain will go away
i don't know when the sun will shine on me again
but
i do know that i am loved
i know that god is still there, this is not his fault
i know that god will walk with me through this
i know that it's ok to get mad, angry, yell and cry
i know that i will stand one day and see god's greatness in the living
i know that chris adores me, when i hurt he hurts
i know chris is so incredibly for me and on my side
i know that chris and i will get through this
i know that nate is my special miracle boy, and i thank god for him
thursday night, i was alone in bed, crying and trying to come to terms with what i was about to do on friday. nothing and no body can prepare you to be induced, go into labor and deliver a dead baby, then leave the hospital alone. As i was thinking these thoughts i heard…
‘ i am with you, i will hold you, i will cradle you, i have you in my right hand, my righteous, right hand”
i cried some more. i chose to not question god in anger and i refuse to allow bitterness to take over
a few hours later, i heard it again “i have you in my right hand, my righteous right hand”
i then felt the need to name my “baby” and knowing it was a boy, i chose a boy’s name. not one on my list, not a name i would have considered. i felt the name benjamin slip out my lips. benjamin. i looked the meaning up.
benjamin – Hebrew - son of my right hand
I called chris up and share this with him. He agreed, his name was to be Benjamin. every time I say his name, i am being held up by righteousness
one last thing. While I labored for those many hours, at home and in the hospital, I needed a word to hold on to. I had to have a life line to get through the nightmare of Friday and the days to come. I need(ed) strength that was not my own. I brought my ipod along and filled myself with words and music for my spirit…the one song that i repeated over and over and over and over was this one
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9h8SEDqJXM
he who has started a good work won’t stop until he’s done
i am not forgotten
this is what I believe 4 comments
