a week ago or so i read this awesome quote "never follow a sorry with a but" we've all heard that before but it got me to thinking and i realized that there is a difference between saying im sorry and apologizing
that blew me away
to simply say one is sorry is to deny the other person(s) feelings. its kind empty. forcing your child to say "im sorry" when they are indeed not sorry is common practice. esp with my own eldest son. a few weeks back nate had done something that quite upset some one's feelings and well, their mother. who arrived on our door step demanding a sorry from my son
nate could not for the likes of his logical mind understand why he owed this girl a sorry (in his mind he did nothing wrong and well). and well, he refused until we made him say it. to be honest, for the mom's benefit
this brought to the surface again that my kid does not like to say he is sorry. ever. ever, ever. its a constant battle to get him to own up and say those 2 words
then i realized that there is a HUGE difference between saying im sorry and apologizing
an apology is verbally acknowledging the other person's feelings. to express sorry for what was done/or said
then i realized that during the day, chris and i say we are sorry a good 3-5 times but its usually done via text, phone calls and not often done in person...or in ear shot of nate
so i started to make a point of saying im sorry in front of nate and when chris's texts or calls me i put down my phone and say to nate "that was daddy, he called to say he was sorry for what ever"
after a few days of this i changed it again
saying you are sorry is missing the point!
to feel empathy, sympathy sorrow, one must apologize.
so i started to say to nate "im sorry that you felt hurt by me saying no you can't go" or "Im sorry chris that i raised my voice to you, i must have made you feel hurt" etc
after few days of this the world came to an end and nate came to me
yes, HE CAME TO ME
on his OWN
and said "mom, im sorry i spoke rude to you. will you forgive me?"
i hugged him and seriously bawled behind closed doors
nate is getting it! im getting it! to make a wrong right, you need to express feelings!
so back to the story of the mom and the girl. if i had to do it again, i would NOT force nate to say something he clearly did not mean because he did not understand why it upset the girl
i would have had nate talk to the girl to understand why she was upset and then have him express his ownership for the hurt he caused her (bec to him he did nothing wrong but instead have him express compassion for her hurt feelings)
i want to teach my kids to be compassionate and understanding to other's and their feelings.....so when nate does a ninja move he can own up to it, im KIDDING....or am i haha
now i need to work on not saying crap any more. ha
that's my deep thought for the day!
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6 years ago
6 comments:
We were having a similar situation, but the other end. We taught our girls that they need to say "I forgive you" if someone apolozizes (or says "sorry"). But we ran into the same problem - what if the offended person is not ready to forgive the second the other apologizes (and to be honest, I know I should forgive, but sometimes it's a process to get there). So we started teaching the girls to say "you're forgiven". Because they are, Jesus did that on the cross and it has nothing to do with whether "I" forgive. Also, when the offended party realizes that the forgiveness has already been accomplished, we really can't hang on to a grudge and not forgive.
Parenting is all about learning, isn't it. Not just for the kids, but for us too, eh?
love it! the I forgive part. ill intro it for sure. I think your eldest and my eldest are quiet similar, nate is logic. and to be honest, I was kinda confused as to why he was being asked to say he was sorry. in situations like that, I do express understanding on how they feel but sometimes, really, get over it. hahaha. life is too short to be upset about, well. everything! BUT with in our immediate family/extended its very important to learn to forgive and love no matter what. parenting is the most redic, hardest job on the planet! we need to support and love each other instead of criticise and judge. but that is another rant. long story short nate and the kid in question are fine! played together all last week ;)
Brilliant idea to say sorry in front of your kids!
I just heard a part of a radio shoe about that.....Saying sorry to each other as adults and to our children allows them the freedom to make mistakes and takes away the stress to be perfect all the time.
I have always been the one to apologize even for things I don't need to ( It's the Canadian way ....HA !) But I see as my babies are now almost 17, 19 and almost 21
The fruits of being honest and admitting fault, saying your sorry, repenting when we do wrong acknowledging a hurt and being able to forgive as quickly as possible
We are all still growing.
Mel, I too found myself crying in secret the other day as my boy (who am I kidding my adult!) Came to me and quickly apologized for being unkind to me .....my heart
lo- you did an AMAZING job with your kids! you were a single mom during the first hard yrs! don't knock yourself down. you have 3 great, home educated adults to be proud of. im thankful for a friend like you, who else will listen to me whine, vent, laugh and be silly....thanks for supporting me during the hard days :)
Love you girl! xo
In my defense:
1. The girl was a darn spoiled brat.
2.I only said the truth, I told here she wasn't a christian so if she dosent repent she is going to go to (pardon my swear) hell. It is all true!
Besides can I (with my personality)not be like John the baptist?
"Repent! Get baptized!"
P.S: Quinn i am pretty sure her name was naiomi the winest. (winest as in "WWWWAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!)
Nate Eigenheer In 2019 Baby. YEHAAAA!!!
It Is Me Nate I Count Get My Account To Work.
Please beleave me!!!!
Nate
P.P.S: check out my youtube channel "no caps nate"
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