does one need to experience something in this thing called "life" in order to simply care?does a person have to "been there" "done it" to be used by god?can a person who has never experienced a situation for them self actually help someone who is in the midst of pain and turmoil?i ask because 5 years ago my answer would have been different than today'smuch different5 years ago i would have firmly said NO!!! are YOU outta your living! loving! mind!!?a lot of my own personal pain is in the area of fertility, trying to get pregnant and staying pregnant5 yrs ago i would have laughed at you, possibly even in your face if you had kids, had zero problem getting them, have never lost a baby or peed on a stick (from the stock pile) and held it to the window, praying for a line to show up..waiting for that line...after those precious 10 mins tick by, you look again...seeing no line, you take the test a part, then hold it up at the window (maybe it's broken or something???), still with some hope, then you take the bedside lamp to the said window for some more light....praying...is that a line????? then you realise that it's just your dried up pee leaving a markthen you toss that test in the garbageand pull it right back out 10 mins later....just to make surein tears... fury? sadness? anger? you toss it awayand check back an hour laterjust to make really surethen you reach into the garbage, take it back out and hold to the window, cause you know the room IS getting darker....maybe there really IS a line there but you can't quite see it because the room is quite dark now....no, no line...just dried up peethen you put the test awayin your dresser...just to check again...and repeat this the following day...and the day after...until your friend comes for a visitwhat was i saying again?oh yeah. if you came to me and said that you understood how i felt. how i was feeling or you been there. i would have laughed with bitterness, envy and hate at you. then made fun of you...or worse (i am ashamed to be this honest) save my rage for chris and vomit all over him, in the privacy of our home...where the REAL me comes out to play....see, if YOU had kids. i would have taken your words with a grain of salt. i most defiantly would NOT listen to you or even care how you feel. why should i? YOU don't understand!
because, really, seriously, how can YOU understand MY pain?one day this all changed how?get cosy. this is the real side of me. and yet, i share....
after i lost ben. oh how those days were dark...one morning. like normal, i make my coffee (oh delish!) opened my lap top and checked my emailthere was a message from my sister in law. she lives in swissland. she has 2 kid's. she has never "tried" to get pregnant. never lost a baby, miscarried or waited more than 2 weeks to test. she saw 2 bright lines, right away. both times. then went off to tell the world, buy baby clothes and set up the nursery. today, they have their kids. their family is complete. she is selling all her baby things, because she doesn't need them anymore. she has moved onshe sent me an email one cold, dark, dreary january morningshe asked me if i could please send her a picture of ben's mittens so she could put it in a frame and add him to her wall. the wall of pictures of all her nieces and nephewsi satsilenti felt the tears falland falloh how they fell
i put my head down and sobbedwhy? because she understood, sure not personally, but importantly she understood the preciousness of a lost baby
and included him as her nephew, placing his mitt's with those other adorable faces
maybe it was her form of reaching out to me, in the delicate state i was in, not knowing what to do or say (bec words really are useless sometimes)
i was so wrong. i was so blindshe didn't have to understand or even "been there" to allow herself to simply care. more important to allow god to speak to her heart and spirit and send me a simple messagea message of support, understanding, sympathy, kindness, support and a heart to reach out that message chipped off a huge piece of built up bitternessi was open again how could someone who did not understand the pain, cut me so deep (in a good way) and hit that place that NO one else could?
why her? really, the last person who could understand my pain
but in her god given, natural, motherly love, she was able to see something that i could not
she was able to help me in ways that she will never, fully understand
if i allowed myself to be so narrow minded, closed off and bitter. i would have missed one of the greatest lesson brought to me
god will use anyone. and usually the least likely
most importantly
i must keep my heart open, even when it hurts the most, to allow god to bring people, situations and life to bring healing
so, i openly, publicly, with tears in my eyes, on my face and in my heart. i apologise to you my sister in love. i am sorry to classing you as someone who could never understand, there for are not "worthy" of my friendship...i was so wrong. so, so wrong
will you forgive me?
i know you will, you have one of the most tender hearts that i know. that's why god chose you. you care so deep, your empathy is astounding
*i post this, with out contacting my sis-in-law first. this will prob be news to her. i pray that you know me well enough to hear my words, typed and not spoken...with love and goodness...love and kindness
Posted by
mel
at
3:04 PM
have you ever just wanna put your head down and cry? ha
we took nate to the pool this afternoon...he loves the water!
"you want some???"
nice arm and leg placement
great kicking. we did not teach him this, he did it on his own
misty joined nate in on his rock hunting
he was so taken with the treego! he loved watching the ppl zip bye
"another one!"
sandy feet='s lots of fun!
"i love you daddy"
brad took a nap!
