me-ness

this is the hardest blog post that i have done

i have questioned myself. how much stuff do i want to post? how personal do i want to go? i have been very honest in the past. is this what i want to do? or make the blog more fluff and stuff?

i have posted a lot of fluff the past while

today. this is personal. raw. real and honest

the last few months have been nothing short of living in sheer ugliness

some days i would dip my head up just long enough to catch a breath

other days i just made it to bed

most days, i waited for chris to come home so i could crawl (literally) up the stairs to bed

where i would lay

in torment

pain

sadness

which lead to my body actually starting to waste away. break down. shut down

i felt like a cloud of fog came over my brain

most days i was not functioning. forgetting passwords. living in a blur

feeling like i was losing my mind

literally going crazy

then i went to the dr. he ran more tests on me

that week. while waiting for the test results. i was in bad shape. i thought, for real. i was dying. i was having huge panic attacks, which were causing me to avoid public places

me

afraid to go outside

to talk to people

fear
pain
torment
sheer madness
crazy thoughts . that i believed!
i was NOT suicidal but i wanted to stop living

we went to the dr. i was a ball of nerves. chris took me. i could not drive

the test results came back

i was in perfect health. oh wait. my sodium was low, i need to eat more salt

but my serotonin levels were low. you know the "happy hormone"
i was then "diagnosed" with depression and an anxiety/panic disorder
i was given an anti depressant, sleeping pills and to talk to a therapist on how to handle the anxiety/panic

this was humbling

this goes against, well, a lot of what i believe spiritually

what do i do?

we prayed

i decided to take the physical steps that i need to take to get better

then i decided to take the spiritual steps

i took advantage of being in hali last week and met up with a therapist/spiritual mentor and an amazing woman of god

we spoke for over 3 hours

she gave me what i needed
she kicked my butt
she spoke correction
she gave me the tools to get dirty
she gave me wisdom
she gave me direction

to get started on cleaning this mess up. a mess that i created. me. not anyone else

i let the door stay open. i take full responsibility

i have a lot of work to do! but it's good work! it's fun work! it's exciting work!

why?

because god still loves me. he forgives. he forgave. he helps. he's here. he has never left me. never will

i "feel" better. even though i can't ever go by how i feel. i have hope. i have a future

i am on my journey to mental freedom/healing and i plan on blogging about it!

i also plan on sharing what i learn, revelations and freedom!

i am putting my armour back on, watch me. i am a fighter!

Posted by mel at 2:16 PM