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i wanted to cry

and i did

yesterday morning was a rough morning. the kids were all wonky, and i had things to get done.  i was working away, trying to get 'things done' and left the girls to play.  after 10 mins of quietness....i went looking for them...cause ive learned quiet play is not good....ha

i walked into this.  i snapped a pic. then cried.  they emptied 3 drawers (dbl drawers) on the floor and threw them around the room. this is on top of what i already had on my plate for the day

ellie said "mom! im helping you with the laundry!" 
yes, yes, you did help me ellie...

i decided to not react. and sat down and quietly refolded and put everything away.  i calmly asked nate to watch the girls and i explained to ellie that throwing clothes from folded drawers was not helping with the laundry....ha

i was reflecting on this this morning.  i was bathing the girls, nate was doing school and again life is full of not so fun times.  arguing with nate, asking ellie to do what i ask and keeping my eye on johana. all at the same time.  looking forward to nap time, cause then im down to 2 kids.  nap time is when i focus on nate and we do school, then i take an hr or so and spend it with ellie to fill her tank

after nap time, which i remember long ago was "nap=me fill up and recharge time" is not that anymore.  its finish school, check school, clean up a mess or 2, throw laundry in, run the vacuum. again.  think about supper and what to make, break up some fights, referee a situation. answer the door, the phone, my texts.  deal with my kid's friends and their school days, make a snack or 2 or 6.  clean them all up...count the minutes until chris is here....get supper on. clean that up.  make lunches for tomorrow and on and on until bed time

bed time. me time

but not really, jo is up till 8. nate goes to bed around 9-10

so when is me time?  for this season there is not much of it.  and im ok with it.  when i get frustrated i remember the days and years i had to myself, before kids, even with just nate, i had so much time, time to think, create, be selfish and enjoy me. i had a quiet, clean house. clean walls, clean tables and clean closets

i had a quiet house. 1 kid is not a whole lotta work. i enjoyed nate, we had so much fun together but something was missing

life was missing
messes were missing
filled to the top days were missing

and we had 2 more girls
making my life filled with life
and you know what?

this is the life i dreamed of
the life i wanted
the life i was created for

having kids is not a pain or an inconvenience
its a growing season for me
its a blessing

its a season that will be over
and when that season is here, i can have a minute to think, to talk, to walk to read

but until then, i can talk to my kids, think about my kids, walk with them and read to them

tuck them in with a kiss and an i love you

this is the life i dreamed of
the life i am so thankful for

thank you jesus for filling my days up with my joys. thank you for the messes to clean and mouths to feed. thank you for the chance to grow and rely on you more than ever

thank you for showing me how precious time is. how great it is to get a minute to enjoy the quiet

im thankful. so thankful and i would not change my life for anything

*im also very thankful for coffee and wine, amazing friends and coffee dates


Papa said...

Well I guess this is pay back for the time you and your sister dumped 4 large boxes of cereal on the floor one Sat morning back when you were about 4 & 3 years old.

Life does make a complete circle and things do even out.

Now the real question is what were this precious angel's looking for, maybe mommy and daddy's were hiding some treats in the drawers and they were just, well just been Little Girls, just like two other little girls along time ago.

Ellie and Jo Jo you did a good job searching, leaving nothing undone.

I must admit that there was a little NO a BIG smile on my face while I read this post.

Many Blessings Mommy for you will have these wonderful memories to share will your grand children.


mel said...

ae dad you made me laugh. i forget the stuff i put you both through. haha. i know the girls had so much fun ripping my room a part...looking for something or as ellie said it she was helping me with the laundry. haha

through it all i would not change a thing in my life, well not true...i would choose to have that other boy around to clean up too

i think with me, each kid ive had has caused me to reach further and grow more. i cant wait to see what i will look like when im done...a well watered tree. haha

until then...ill just call you guys and crystal to cry to. haha

i love you dad and your conditional support and encouragement. thank you

Ursi said...

Remember when we came and visited you that long ago Thanksgiving? I was right in the middle of the season you are at with the girls. A tough, draining time. And I must admit I was not in such a good frame of mind as you are about messes and patience. I think a visit now would go very differently😜. And I'm sure we both would understand some things and react differently too😀. I miss the opportunity to visit more, and growing wiser together. So glad for the relationship we do have!! Lots of love, Ursi

mel said...

for sure ursi! we are 2 totally different people, life's situations and circumstances have changed vastly the last 5 yrs (for me!) and im not the same person i was back then, i would totally have reacted differently on my end. maturity and grace are wonderful things (NOT claiming to be matured yet, i have lots to go through still)

i think, as parents, esp new parents there is so much insecurity and overwhelming responsibility the first few yrs esp with the first kid, not so much as you have more kids...haha...i parent jo so differently than the other 2, sure shes way more laid back but im more relaxed and i know that what ever happens that day, it will pass...

friendship, family, support and understanding are such great qualities and character glad i have friends, family, support and understanding from them :)

im super happy that i have you as a friend, not just an 'in law' but a true learning to grow with the person/going through this parenting journey with me!

im also great to have some one to talk to who sees things differently from myself, it makes me think, and would be so boring if we were all the same! right?!?! i do wish we lived closer together. i could do art and crafts with your girls and you could climb trees and teach farming/canning/knitting/sewing/language/cooking etc...with mine!

and i will keep saying i have NO idea how YOU DID IT! 2 littles and running the mission!!!! crazy! i could never do that! ha!

Ursi said...

Mel, I wish I could send you a hug!!! Grace is a wonderful thing, isn't it!!!
Thanks for sharing so openly through your blog and texts.
Hope you have a wonderful time with mom and dad E.
Have a great. Week!!

wk-eigenheer said...

And I am middle in it whit you in my memories. How many times have I looked to the Church tower with the clock and turned the hand 2 or 3 hours forward and thought: then..... are all in bed and I can do in quietness the rest of the days command.... And have a rest... Love your attitude , it is good to tell how you feel and go on...Yes the other time will come and then you miss (only a little bit ) the times long ago...Love you !!!Soon we will be in whit you to. May be I can help a bit with the load.....See you all soon.

mel said...

hi this is nate

stop being mushy