test results are in

we have a label
one i would rather not have
"unexplained infertility" they call it

my levels have returned to normal
i am healthy
there is nothing physically wrong with me
chris is also okay

we have many choices some of which are:

- waiting until my my cycle. which could be in a while...
we believe that i had another miscarriage 2 weeks ago. for my own sanity, i refused to have another test done. once you have had a m/c you know what they "look" like...once i start my periods again, i will go to the hospital on day 1,3,5 and 7 for blood work. repeat this for 3 cycles. then compare the results and choose a method to try to conceive

-wait for 6 months, see if anything happens. then go into determine what route we want to take to try to conceive. my dr. changed his mind and booked me in for sept 14, so we wait 4 months

-treatment will be in no specific order-in vetro, insemination, fertility drugs and many, many more tests

ben's death has been ruled as placenta separation. he was healthy and perfect. i am healthy and perfect (ok i had to throw that in)

so we wait....

i have spent some time in prayer. talking to god, taking the no news and processing it. i have made my decision. chris supports me and i hope you all will too :)

when you have fertility issues, it can take a toll on you, your body, your mind, your relationships with people, your marriage, finances (it's not cheap!) etc...

i have walked that road
i was created to be a mom. i believed. i received and i am a mom
i went through losing a son and delivering him
now i have an answer, which is not really an answer

i have so much! god has given me (new)dreams, desires and thoughts. i want to live this life fully, for him. doing what god wants me to do and to do that i do not want to be distracted or taken off course

i know that if i choose to go for more tests, drugs and procedures it will only distract me and take my focus off of what i am suppose to be doing. i don't want to do that

so. i will not proceed with any more tests, drugs or procedures.
i will trust solely on god. if he wants us to have more than he can make it happen! his will, his time. not mine

and i will continue to enjoy my life, living for what i do have, right now, today.

with a long life, i will satisfy him and show him my salvation

my life is worth living! and i want to live it and enjoy it!

i have total and complete peace and i can not wait to hold my wee, little niece! (hey! that rhymes!)

*that pic was taken in cochrane, alberta

Posted by mel at 7:53 PM