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last year chris and i went through a rough patch. it started shortly after joey was born and just continued. little things along the way, little thoughts or actions. little fights. lots of focus on the negative. resulting is us growing far a part. and me questioning what i was doing staying married to him.  life was just hard and getting harder by the minute.  early in the new year, around February. chris and i had a horrible fight.  it was a sunday night.  that night chris and i came to a cross road.  end the marriage. or fight for it

we chose to fight. i remember that night, i went to bed thinking "i will stay. things will get better"  chris made a huge choice in his life. he was going to go to bed with me mon-fri.  and i decided to think of chris as my partner and my love and i was going to slowly start to open my heart back up to him

this is HUGE and scary for me. i have huge trust issues. i have a hard time trusting chris. i have an even harder time trusting god

slowly over the last few months things have gotten so much better for chris and i.  he changed by simply going to bed with me.  i changed my thinking and chose to believe that he DID love and he DID care for me

im so glad i did.  cause this late spring and summer has been the most brutal, difficult time of my life.  after we lost ben i went through a dark time.  what im going through now is small in comparison to what i went through

about 3 weeks ago, on a monday morning. i had a mental break down of sorts.  i cant even begin to describe the utter hopelessness i felt. the dis pare, the dark, dark cloud of depression.  sadness overwhelmed me.  anxiety kept me to my bed.  i was having panic attacks upon panic attacks.  i felt like i just wanted everything to end. there was no hope in sight.  every where i looked i saw despair and more darkness

growing up in a faith environment i was taught to pray it away. speak life and light.  read the bible and pray. all the answers were in the bible.  ive been doing that, and it wasnt working!  i was in this place of hopelessness. what do i do? where do i go?  i know the word. i believe in it! i just cant seen to get out of this dark hole

chris came to me and we decided to get medial help. i need to get better.  after talking to the dr and having blood work done, it was decided to put me on a low dose rrni antidepressant.  im not ashamed of this.  not at all.  its enough to help my brain balance out but gives me the choice to do some work (im on 30 mg, the typical dose is 120 mg)

its been 3 wks now and to be honest.  i can feel slight change in my body but my over all mood is still a struggle. every day is a struggle

ive also made some major changes in my life. im now dealing with painful junk that ive crammed way down in my soul.  i spend time with god daily.  even putting the tv on to give me 15 mins alone.  im in the word. im also using a self help book on anxiety and depression, a medial journal that is showing me how my biological body works!  its amazing how my body is made to work.  i also journal and using creative aspects to spending time with god.  but the biggest change is allowing god to show me how toxic and negative my thoughts are. some days i just write and write and write. shocked by what im writing.  shocked to see how i really see things. they are so little and silly!  but over time they have grown to the place to destroy me

wow. i had no clue that 90% of my thoughts were negative, fear and anxiety.  for real.  i started writing them down and sharing them with chris.  i had no idea that ive been living with such negativity for so long...

its been 3 weeks and i just feel now like i can breath,  ive gone from 5 or so panic attacks a day to about one or 2 feelings of dread and sorrow...that was how they would start but im able to slow down my heart, breath, focus. sneak away when needed and calm myself down with what i know is true. the list isnt long because im working on trusting god

i cant even imagine going through this with out chris.  from holding me when i feel like im dying with pain, to staying awake with me till 4 am when he has to go to work at 6, to taking the kids more when i need it, giving me the chance to have more time alone or with friends, to talking to me, letting me talk and talk, or just sit with me when i cant talk but dont want to be alone. to telling me that he loves me, he's there for me

i had such great plans for this summer. but then everything came crashing down and i find myself fighting everyday to get better. to think better. to feel better. to be better

things will get better.  jesus promised that they would.  he promised that he will never leave me, he promised that i am not alone.  he promised that he will hold me and shelter me  he promised that there will be light in the darkness.  he promised me life and love.  he doesnt lie, he always tells the truth.  his promised never fail. and thats what im holding on to.

his promises never fail

and that is a peek into some of what is going on with me.  hows that for raw!


Papa said...

Dearest daughter:

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and no matter will ALWAYS LOVE YOU.

Your Daddy.

Please at this time enjoy one of my HUGS from your memory bank.

mel said...

i love you too dad. i dont say it enough. im grateful that god gave you to me. (mom too) you def gave me enough hugs in the past to last a life time and im thankful for that. ill always be your girl