security

i love to be challenged (not in the moment)
i went for a lovely walk with a friend the other day and she unknowingly challenged me...

where does my security come from?

last night in search of the answer, to calm my emotions which were on the verge of taking over and leading me down a dark road, i read this

a sense of security is something that everyone needs and desires. security enables us to enjoy healthy thinking and living. it means we feel safe, accepted, and approved of. when we are secure we approve of ourselves, we have confidence, we accept and love our selves in a balanced way....

the foundation for security is knowing who we are in christ, accepting god's unconditional love, and accepting ourselves even though we realize we have weaknesses and are not perfect.

insecurity stems from looking at our weaknesses, our flaws and inabilities....and we end up being distracted from jesus

this will steal your joy and my peace-god's will is that i enjoy ,my life and i can do that, if i know how"

it's funny how 1 teeny, tiny, small thing can have the ability to throw my thoughts into a run away train

how 1 thought can multiply into total destruction and distraction

i am fighting! i won't give in! i feel weak at times sure...but i want a life that is fun-filled and giggles galore

i life my eyes up...to the mtns....that's where my help comes from!
have a good one everyone!
1 comments

Posted by mel at 12:56 PM

birthday and today

chris picking the 4 apples from our tree!
my b-day was yesterday. i don't like to celebrate them but c and n did woke me up to flowers, that were so perty and a chocolate and a candle. they ate the chocolate

we went for a picnic for supper

nate admiring my selection of goods. i choose dbl brownie. so good. better than the p/b one
chris also brought me more flowers home after work
what a guy
he knows i love flowers!

so sad
(i blogged my addy cause well we are in the 411 so it's not like a security secret or anything)

ha! ha! ha! c's parents love me more!

nate opening his b-day gift from n/p plumps

n opening his gift from aunty ursi. he LOVED it all btw

i deliberately kept these gifts for my b-day knowing he would want to open my gifts, so i thought if i saved his for my day we would open them together

the plan back fired

he opened mine

love, love, love the tea pot!!!! it's in my special cupboard!

today. after a busy week of vbsing i took nate and miss hope to the park

nate was tired

where we met up with a bunch of ppl and joined their partay

hope is so good with nate, i told her we must do this again!

the. funniest. baby. evah. judah (do you not love his name! i wish i woulda thought of it! love it!)would pose a "mean" face. seriously. love this boy! here he is showing his mean/serious scowl

sharing secrets? plotting the next adventure? hummmm

what a great way to end a busy week!

1 comments

Posted by mel at 5:27 PM

death has nothing on moi!

nate asks me the same question. a lot

"mommy, why do we pray and pray and ask jesus for a baby and we still don't get one?"

this question gets asked at random
usually a few times a week

i use to grit my teeth, smile and give the standard answer
"well, sometimes we pray and it takes time"
or
"sometimes god doesn't give us what we ask for"
or
"i don't know"
or
"go ask your dad"

this am. dripping wet, fresh from the shower i get

"mommy, why doesn't god answer our prayers for a baby?"

today i said "i don't know bud. but what i do know is that no matter what, even if we never, ever, ever get a baby...god still loves us and i trust him"

nate "but i want a baby"
me "so do i. but i won't let that make me sad. we have so much bud" then we talked about all the stuff we do have

as i got dressed to the tunes of "nanananana cat and the had is back....lalalala"

this verse popped into my head

"death is swallowed up in victory
o death, where is your victory?
o death, where is your sting?

thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.

so, my dear brothers and sisters(mel), be strong and immovable. always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless"

death has no victory. here or there or anywhere
death may sting like a bee or a snake but it can't hurt me forever

thank god. thank god. thank god. i do have victory over pain and death and all of life's "this is JUST NOT FAIRNESS"

it just doesn't matter

why?

cause time is tickin. i must be about my father's business
i am strong, immovable, working with a happy heart for god. cause he don't make ni junk and there is not much time left

and

if i am busy (meaning do what god says) i am busy, focused on HIM and what's going on with him

and if i am doing that i can't be sulking or sad about why life just ain't always fair

ha!

meanings are a must!

strong

-having, showing, or able to exert great bodily or muscular power; physically vigorous or robust
mentally powerful or vigorous
-especially able, competent, or powerful in a specific field or respect
of great moral power, firmness, or courage: strong under temptation

immovable

-incapable of being moved
- incapable of being influenced by feeling
-incapable of being moved from one's purpose, opinion
-not subject to change; unalterable.
- not moving; motionless

sure, my plans have changed and i find myself in a new place of life figuring out where and when and how and scared out of my girly pants BUT i am not alone and death has nothing on me

ben was a gift
ben is a gift
ben will always be a gift
i just can't wait to see him again
i can not wait to take nate to the nursery and show him and share with him that god did answer our prayers. god did bring us a baby

now i must get busy and be about my father's work....

(which today is appointments and cleaning :)
0 comments

Posted by mel at 9:04 AM

sign

tiss true tiss is

1 comments

Posted by mel at 8:11 PM

my weight

i have battled the weight factor most my life

i was chubby in high school

i was chubby cubs in 20's (drinking+partying+late night eating=chubababa)

i was chunky monkey when i graduated bible school

the night of my bible school grad, i was dressing and doing the dance. the "my dress i way too tight how can i get in this. i have to leave in 30 mins dance"

i could not get the zipper up

i solved this problem by wearing a jacket over the back

the dress was a size 16

from reitmans

and we know how those reitman sizes run.......

the time came. the battle was on

i cut out the crap. tied my sneeks and walked my way into a size 6. that took 3 yrs

over the past 8 yrs i have kept the weight off by walking and eating clean(er)

i walked through my entire pregnancy with nate. right up till they put me on bed rest

after i had him i took a yr off

when i had nate my metabolism went wonky. i lost a lot of weight. like 20 pounds less than my "wedding weight"

wedding weight=healthy for me

2 yrs after i had nate i put on 10 pounds

but something got messed up in my brain

after going away to colorado i did some serious searching in my head and decided to come clean in this blog

last jan. i hung up my sneakers. i took a "break" from working out

my working out schedule was walking/jogging 5 days a week plus 30 mins weights

i stopped completely

i have taken 1 walk since then (with my sis but it was a fun walk)

why?

this is me being honest

working out somehow went from losing weight to staying healthy to challenging myself to controlling me to pressure to standards to keeping up with ppl

i felt the pressure from those around me to remain thin, to get in better shape, to be better, faster

it was weird to be a person others wanted to look like

it was a weird feeling that i did not like

i felt that i could not put on weight

that i had to keep going

i had to lose more weight

i had to be thinner

i had to

pressure

more

better

i realised that i hated what i was. i looked in the mirror and saw budges, i saw lines, wrinkles, fat

i would think. eat better tomorrow, do more squats, run faster and do more crunches then i can get rid of those

fix that

and on and on

i had had enough

i took myself out by taking a break

then i went to colorado and decided to really look at myself

and i have spent the last 3 months doing so

some i have shared with chris

some i have not

today. i stepped on the scale. i saw a number i have not seen in years. like BEFORE i got married.

i stepped off the scale

then i stepped back on

are those numbers real?

really?

that much?

i slipped my bathrobe on. i went to the tv and clicked it on. i went to check what tv shows are on. which ones i can work out to today. i clicked off the tv. went down stairs. made a coffee. made something to eat. i thought

"i have now reached a number that i have never thought i would ever see again. i can stop this by working out. i can stop this. that's right. you will stop this today. i will stop. i will NOT work out today. i will eat. i will go out with my son and play. i will NOT be controlled by that &%$^ scale. i am not a number. i am not in a competition with anyone and most important i will not compare my body to anyone else. this is my body.

then i sat down to email and blog and to be honest and real

i bought a bikini last night for my trip this fall. i put it on (size large :) and i looked in the mirror. i liked what i saw. boobs!!!! curves. a belly that moves. thighs that touch when i walk, arms that jiggle, my butt jiggles and is full of dimples, fat and stretch marks. i think i look great and i love my new large bathing suit

i have now put on 30 pounds. 30 since having nate

yep. i did. lets talk about it. i did it on purpose. i do not plan on losing it. i am not working out to feel better/look better. i will never allow it to control me again. ever. i will no longer engage in conversation's about how to look better/feel better

instead of working out in the mornings i now spend that time bed snuggling with my boy in bed

life is to short for me to spend on a treadmill

maybe one day i will start to walk again. just for me. just for fun

i am not saying that it's wrong to be healthy or to work out! it's GREAT to do!

what wrong was the motivation behind it

this is me. i weigh 30 pounds more

most cloths don't fit and that's ok

i get to shop more :) ha!

so no working out today for me! i am going to spend it with nate and enjoy it. i am thinking a trip to the mall for an ice cream is in order

today i love my body. all of it

*cry. i will have you on speed dial to talk to me on those hormonal days!

2 comments

Posted by mel at 9:27 AM

superman and finger paint

what to do with a child on a rainy day?
cut a potato and give him paint
such fun to paint with potatoes
and you can clean it up and cook it for dinner
i kid on the last part. ewww

super sassy spiderman

thanks shann for taking and sending these pics. nate was not doing a picture with me! nate had his face (after waiting for a redic long time) spiderman!

during!

i fess up. i left the church picnic around 2 to run errands sans child. i got everything done in less than 2 hrs. it was wonderful!

nate funny- nate said to chris last night "daddy. i snuggle with your woman when you are gone. when you are gone she's MY woman"

bawahhhhh

love that kidlet!

0 comments

Posted by mel at 9:05 AM

work day 2!

i allowed chris access to the table saw today
muwahhhh

this big mother deck we are building. it's huge!

nate was helping

what's behind his back? nothing really, he was just posed like this

we spent another day on the deck. i left early, 5.5 hrs today. the sun was way too hot for me, nate was tired (he did AMAZING today. not one complaint!) so i decided to head home to clean up and all that stuff

we are almost done. maybe another day or 2!

vacay is extra sweet when you work your butt off!

1 comments

Posted by mel at 4:48 PM